A Longer Haul
by imperator prime
Summary: Pt 1 expounds on the mShep/Kaidan romance during ME3, and pts 2/3 follow the Synthesis ending as Kaidan & co. set out to deal with the aftermath of winning the war but losing Shepard. Written pre-Extended Cut, though some of what I wrote to reconcile my questions at the end felt pretty prescient once EC released. Some strong language & mature content, hope "M" covers it
1. Preface

"A Longer Haul" is rooted in a few key points, and I guess ultimately each one got its own part in this three-part story (which ended up substantially longer than I first envisioned).

In part 1 I seized upon a bit of throw-away dialogue during a visit to romanced Kaidan- "you weren't there when I woke up"- which to me strongly implied that 'Shenko' got physical in their relationship before the 'big romance scene' en route to Cronus, and I wanted to expound on that because I felt like, having waited so long for it to happen, it would have been nice to have seen more detail. Part 1 ends with imagining the 'controversial' last 10 or 15 mins of the canon story from Kaidan's POV to try and answer that big, burning question of how (and why) the ground team ended up back on the Normandy and in-flight when the Crucible fired. I wrote this before the EC released and felt kind of vindicated because some of that new content seemed pretty close to what I thought had to be the obvious explanation to how the squadmates got back aboard Normandy and why she was 'running' from the fight at the end. One could read part 1 and stop if they wanted to imagine everything _after_ the game differently.

In part 2 I started to take increasing creative license, first in order to give my less 'doom-and-gloom' answer to some of the post-ending questions about "wouldn't destroying the relays kill everybody like in Arrival?" and "even if it didn't, isn't everyone screwed now anyway?" and "how can synthesis be anything but the annihilation of individuality- and therefore a terrible choice?" And I tried to show the ending's very personal aftermath for Kaidan, then introduced some decidedly non-canon material (ie. an ancient-but-'new' race that serves as a counterpoint to the asari and helps rationalize the protheans' interest in Thessia) to start to dangle a thread of hope for a happy ending after all.

Part 3 is the story's fruition, the "happy ending" that I so badly wanted and had to write some backflips in order to reach.

Throughout I realized a couple things as I was writing- it's really sort of a story of Kaidan inheriting Shepard's spotlight for a while, and even culminates in him having to make his own big choice about the future. But what alarmed me a little was when the characters really 'came alive' in my head and I found I wasn't sure that I could honestly write Kaidan _doing_ what _I_ wanted him to do. Try as I might I couldn't contort him into taking the easy way to the happy ending. There's a conversation that sort of serves as my own 'confessional' to its effect on my writing process. Thank goodness for the other characters and their various motivations, sometimes it's easier to let them give the 'push' the story needs and wants! :)

I've started a completely original sequel to this story but I'd still appreciate constructive reviews so that I can try to capitalize on what readers found most successful in this work. Most helpful to me would be to know what people liked best (scenes, portrayal of characters familiar and new, plot points, style, etc) _and_ what people didn't find worked that well so I can try to hedge out the stuff I didn't do as well.

To sort of 'enrich' the text I've tried inserting the URL for one hosted image as an illustration for the scene (I hope that's allowed, if it isn't I can remove it) and I've put in some "soundtrack cues" with suggested music to accompany- I know, it seems a bit pretentious, feel free to ignore them, but some readers might enjoy a 'score'. I'm not even sure they 'stuck' anyway, I suspect some kind of automated filter plucked them out. :-P

Lastly, I finally figured out how to format/publish the three parts as separate 'chapters' so hopefully that'll make it a bit less daunting a wall of text to read.

[Updated with one new scene, 1.8, in the first part as of 2012/06/08. I realized I hadn't given the post-Thessia/pre-Horizon time much attention and I wanted to.]


	2. Part 1 Interpolation

-1.1

Apollo's Cafe, The Citadel - 2 days after the Cerberus coup attempt

-1.1

"Sanity check" Alenko reiterated, leaning back in his chair and smiling as the cafe waiter returned with their meal. He picked up his beer, a microbrew from a New Brunswicker who'd set up shop on the Citadel, and extended it in a toast. Hadrian raised his as well- he hated the taste of beer, but he'd ordered one to humour Kaidan- and they clinked the bottles' necks together. He hesitated, though, as the major took a swig.

Having finally acknowledged and opened up to their mutual rapport, and noticed that Shepard had begun mirroring him, Kaidan took note of the subtle withdrawl. "Something bothering you?" he asked. Shepard looked down at his bottle.

"It's just... as long as we're talking 'sanity'..."

"What?" Kaidan's brow furrowed upwards, concerned that Shepard was already having second thoughts. "You think this- us together- is crazy?" Hadrian's eyes snapped up to meet Kaidan's.

"No," he said earnestly, "no, it's absolutely not that. What feels crazy is... why did we take so long? I mean I- what you said, about caring about somebody-"

"About you," Kaidan injected, eliciting another, slightly sad smile.

"About me... Maybe I sounded like it was this novel idea to me but... that was just me being taken by surprise that you'd said it. The truth is, I've felt the same way for a while. About you. As long as... pretty much since we met aboard the _Normandy_."

Kaidan's expression softened even as he blushed slightly. Smirking, looking into Shepard's eyes, he said in that coy voice, "Aww. Well I always had kind of a crush on you, too, Commander. I _liked_ you from the start. But... are you saying that for you it was _love_ at first sight?"

"Well when you put it like that it sounds so cliché," Hadrian chuckled, embarrassed. "But okay. Yeah. Pretty much. I was attracted from the moment I saw you, and it wasn't long before I was thinking about you _all the time._ I was asking Chakwas about your fuckin' headaches of all things, just to find out anything about you."

Kaidan shook his head, grinning. The picture- Shepard, shy as a school-boy- was so at odds with the gung-ho 'barrel in balls-out' vanguard image Alenko had had of him all along. "Bull_shit_!" he laughed. "You're saying you couldn't talk to me? I remember us talking plenty on that mission."

"But not like I wanted to. Not like this."

"So? What stopped you?" Kaidan put his hand on Hadrian's again, squeezing it gently. Shepard turned his head away slightly, muttering a sheepish response. "Sorry? Missed that," Alenko chided.

"I _said_... that b- that chick, Rahna." A brief, awkward silence lingered between the two men.

"Rahna from Jump Zero? Aw Hell," Kaidan sighed. "Right. I suppose I kinda' brought her up pretty early out of the gate when we were getting to know each other. So, what? You took from that that I was _only_ attracted to women?" He laughed a little incredulously. "You thought _I_ was _strict_?" Shepard shrugged.

"Well what about you? You never said anything or showed any interest."

Now it was Kaidan who sighed and shrugged, with a hint of bemusement. "I didn't think it was really appropriate at the time, or under the circumstances... you were my CO. And the mission was so important, you were so focused, I guess part of me told the rest 'no way, he'd never go for a personal relationship when so much is at stake.' But... even then... I actually thought _I_ was being too obvious. My whole life people- exes, people I served with, my mom- they all told me 'oh, we knew you weren't one of those strict guys, you're so _sensitive_." He squeezed Shepard's hand again. "So I always felt awkward, like there was no hiding it from you, and thinking that you knew and just weren't reciprocating."

"So you're telling me... that the whole time, we were circling each other, thinking there was no way and wishing that there were... like a couple of..."

"Idiots?" Kaidan laughed. "I guess so. A couple of idiots. That was us."

Shepard finally took a long drag from his beer.

"_Was_. Was us. But not anymore," Alenko stressed, hopefully. "No more circling." He adjusted his grip, lacing his fingers between Hadrian's and gently stroking the vanguard's palm with his thumb. "We've got our act together now. _Finally_."

"At least I got to fast forward over most of the wait," Shepard said. The reminder that- from his perspective- all of this, everything since Eden Prime, had started only 8 months ago instead of two and a half years, was still a little jarring to Kaidan. "Now if we can just avoid getting blown out of the sky and spending another two years dead," Shepard said drolly. Kaidan smirked, a bit of mischief in his eye. "What?" Hadrian asked, half-mirroring the smile.

"Well... now that we're done circling... I hope there _will_ be some... _you know_..."

"What?" Shepard smiled quizzically and took another drink from his beer, suppressing the face he wanted to make at the taste. Kaidan licked his lip slightly- clearly Shepard still wasn't completely thinking of him 'that way.'

"Some blowing."

Shepard ejected his mouthful of beer in a fine spray and coughed, eyes wide, startling a woman at a nearby table. As he caught his breath he broke into contagious laughter. He covered his blushing face in his hands and Kaidan laughed until his eyes were wet with giddy tears that he pinched away between his thumb and finger.

"Ooooohhh boy... So I hope that doesn't mean you're a spitter?" The pair roared again until they were both doubled over, each with an arm wrapped around their aching ribs, their other hands joined tight in the middle of the table, heads resting on their forearms.

When they caught their breath again, Hadrian picked up a napkin and dabbed at Kaidan's temple. "Shit," he sputtered, embarrassed, "I think I sprayed beer in that hair of yours. Speaking of- I love it, don't get me wrong, or at least it's grown on me- but where exactly _did_ you first get that 'do done, anyway? It's like a sort of-"

"This relationship is never going to work if you start in on my hair," Kaidan interrupted, smiling but managing to sound deadly serious. "Besides at least I can keep a look consistently, I remember when we met you had that high and tight, then when you were working with Cerberus you had those _bangs_-"

"I was unconscious on their operating tables for months, my hair kept growing! And once I was awake we were a bit busy, you know, fighting the Collectors? Not a lot of time to visit a barber."

"And now you're rocking the faux-hawk? Which I'm sure makes James happy, he probably tells himself that _you're_ copying _him_, but what brought that on?"

Hade shot off a lopsided, macho grin. "Makes me look tough, no? Like 'hey, that guy- cool, definitely cool, but his hair makes him look like a brawler,' right? It's scrappy! I love it. You don't like it?"

Without saying a word Kaidan sat up straight, taking a slow drink of his beer and looking sidelong at Shepard.

"Shut up, you like it. You're gonna _love_ it when you're looking down at it between your thighs."

Kaidan choked on his own drink and pounded the bottle to the table, coughing and turning bright red.

"Yeah," Hadrian nodded, smirking, "yeah, revenge is one mean motherfucker, ain't it?" He smiled. At least this courtship was going to be _fun_. With everything that was going in, he rather felt like he could use a bit more 'play.' These were dark days and sometimes he felt... well, doomed. Like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and that it wouldn't be satisfied until he was some burnt offering. Like the ultimate, inevitable price of all this _had_ to be his life, as though he couldn't possibly expect to survive this. But if he was nearing his end, he wanted to have a little fun before his big finish. He wanted a little more levity in his life, and some love. He wanted to affirm his life before he paid it. And maybe now, finally, he'd get to be happy- at least for a little while, if there _was_ no 'long haul.'

-1.2

_SSV Normandy_, en route to Rannoch, 2 days later

-1.2

Things had settled down on the Citadel enough for _Normandy_ to embark on a new mission to respond to a call from the quarians for a meeting, but it was on the far side of the galaxy with about a week of inter-relay travel all told. After giving his orders for the conn and calling it a night, Shepard asked EDI where he might find Kaidan and was directed to the observation deck. Now that they were taking a stab at a real relationship, he wanted to some real catching up and get some quality time.

When he walked into the lounge he found Kaidan stretched out on one of the couches, gazing out the window at the swirl of x-ray and gamma ray sources rendered visible by _Normandy's_ flight at FTL. He stalked up from behind, knelt down behind the couch, crossed his arms over the back of it and ran one hand through Alenko's hair.

"Hey," Kaidan smiled sleepily, looking up at him.

"Hey. Were you about to go to sleep on this? Are you _living_ out of here?" Hadrian asked.

"Well, the crew quarters bunks were all spoken for and this wasn't, so... yeah, I'd kinda' staked it out. I hope that's okay?"

Shepard made a bit of a face. "It's not my first choice for where you'd sleep," he grinned.

"Well, now, Commander, I didn't think it would look _great_ to your crew if I came back aboard and jumped right into your bed." He stretched himself awake a bit and rolled onto his back, looking up at Hadrian, who continued brushing his fingers through the front of that as-far-as-he-could-tell unique coif. "Not that I'm not looking forward to it in time, I just thought a bit of time would be better... hm... decorum?"

"The tyranny of appearances. Rats!" Hade huffed. Kaidan laughed pleasantly. He couldn't say that the eagerness was surprising. Or one-sided. But where Shepard's conditioning as a vanguard was typically regarded as 'controlled recklessness,' Kaidan like most sentinels was a careful planner and controller by training. He believed in arranging one's ducks.

"Don't get me wrong, we'll get there," he said, voice full of sincerity and promise. "But wouldn't it be nice if there was a little- I don't know- 'journey,' first?" Hadrian rolled his eyes a little, then gestured for Kaidan to sit up. As he did, Shepard hopped over the back of the couch, sat down, and gently urged Alenko's head back down onto his lap.

"Hey, we 'journeyed' all over the Attican Traverse chasing Saren for a couple months. We journeyed from geth holdout to holdout for weeks after that. I journeyed through atmosphere and through two years on a slab while you were becoming Anderson's go-to guy, and then journeyed to a black hole at the galactic core. I journeyed to the stockade and then we hit up Mars for good measure. How many more stamps do we _need_ on our passports before I have enough frequent flier miles to take _you_ for a joyride?" They both chuckled and Hadrian put his free hand on Kaidan's stomach.

"You don't think I want to boldly go up one side of you and down the other?" Kaidan grinned. "I just... I guess I want to make sure we aren't rushing just for the sake of getting to where we think we should be if we'd started back on the first _Normandy_. We stalled and we stumbled and it was frustrating to both of us, but I don't want to just pretend we're somewhere we're not yet. Let's give it _at least_ one 'date night' before we lose our heads like a couple of horny teenagers?" The two looked into each other's eyes for a long minute, taking it in.

"Okay. I get that," Shepard shrugged. "Just so you know, though, I'm good to go. Any time, you give the word and I'm... just... fuckin'... _ready_ to go. All engines ahead full if you know what I mean." Kaidan laughed warmly and pulled himself up to sit next to Hadrian. He pressed close, took Shepard's hand in his, and rested his head on the commander's shoulder, looking forward out the window again.

"I know you are. You're always full-speed ahead. Sometimes I wonder what it's actually _like_ inside that head of yours, you know? I mean I like you, and I respect you, but I don't know that in the time we actually served together that I really got to _know_ you. You were impressive to watch in action, but I never did quite know for sure what made you tick."

"Ahh, I'm just a humble spacer kid, Major," Hadrian said dismissively, slouching down in his seat a bit and stroking the top of Alenko's head with his chin briefly. "Parents and tutors aboard ships and space stations until I was seventeen, teaching me about the merits of service and how the uniform represented the best of us- respect and courage and dignity and dedication and all of it, you know. I looked up to them... not just my mom and dad but 'the brass,' they were like uncles and aunts and grandparents, and the decisions they made when lives depended on it... I was always kind of in awe of how they handled responsibility. I can't remember a time that I didn't want to be like the very best of them. And the summer before I enlisted, they sent me to Earth to try civilian university for a year, so I could at least make an informed choice about my future."

"Now see- I never knew you went to university. What did you take?" Kaidan asked, intrigued.

"Liberal arts. English, psychology, religious studies, political science, philosophy. You know, artsy-fartsy fancy stuff." Alenko laughed out loud.

"Bull_shit_ you did!"

"They said they wanted me to get a taste of the flip-side of everything I'd known growing up!" Shepard laughed. "So I figured, it didn't get much more flip-side than debating the socio-political ethics of war with some soft townies who thought every soldier was some dumb thug."

"Jeez... you must have been _miserable_?" Kaidan said in a playful, 'poor thing' tone, and rubbed Hadrian's shoulder as if to console him.

"Well... no. Not really. I kinda' liked it. I was good at it, even. Got good grades, felt engaged. A lot of what I got into during that year even stuck. I got some new role-models to add to my list, some new habits. Even got my first tattoo. Opened my mind up and try as I might I never quite got it completely closed again." He flashed a self-deprecating smile.

"But you still enlisted at the end of the year anyway?"

"Yeah... blame Spring Break. I went to Rio with some friends I'd made in residence. Had some fun, even met a boy. My first, if you don't count making out and experimental handjobs with a buddy aboard the _Montezuma_."

"I'm insanely jealous, of course," Kaidan interjected with feigned seriousness.

"I'll bet." Hadrian sat quietly a moment, watching space blast by outside.

"So... what happened that brought you back to the Alliance?"

"It was as we were winding down at the end of that week, getting ready to head back to campus in Toronto. I started asking what everyone was planning on taking the next year, wondering if we might get to plan to take courses together."

"And they were all selling out and going into business degree programs." Kaidan leaned in, rocking Shepard to the side and back gently.

"Nah. That would have been easier to wrap my head around, I suppose- at least it would have been _something_. But most of them, they weren't planning on coming back. Seven out of the eleven friends I went on the trip with were dropping out. School 'wasn't for them,' they said."

"And doing what instead?" Kaidan asked.

"Fuck, who knows? They didn't have any plans. They'd had a fun year, but they said three more years of it- with higher standards and more demands on them every year- just sounded like a drag. But they didn't have work lined up, for all I know they joined gangs or went back to live with their parents." Shepard made a slightly disgusted face and shook his head. "I didn't know if it was something the environment had done _to_ them, or if it was just some difference between me and them, but suddenly I just felt like I couldn't relate to these people. Like I didn't actually belong in a place that people could so... so blithely 'wash out' of. They were undisciplined, you know? As a peer group they suddenly just seemed really unimpressive. And then I thought of the friends I had back on the fleet coming up, and I just knew... I belonged somewhere that people weren't _apathetic_, where the bar was higher than just 'do a year and then fuck off to do whatever.' I mean, I didn't regret that year I spent- I was grateful for it- but that summer I flew back to my dad's base and told him I wanted to enlist.'

"Now there's someone I wish I could meet- the paragon of unbridled manliness that raised up Hadrian Shepard," Kaidan smirked.

"Oh please," Hadrian retorted, a little sarcastically. "Don't try and paint me with _that_. My dad was a good soldier- a good man, I'll give him that, too- but those other role-models I had... they were in no small part because I wanted to be _more_ than he was. The old man was old-fashioned. He'd have never approved of us, here, like _this_." Shepard nuzzled the top of Kaidan's head and sighed softly. "I mean he did alright by me, but it was despite some fuckin' backwards ideas about the only 'right' way to be a _man_. I got the stuff _you'd_ like from... from my mom." There was another pregnant silence. Kaidan knew Shepard's mother was still in the service, with her own ship, but he hadn't heard since the Reapers' arrival what had become of her. He was reluctant to ask, in case it was a sore topic at the moment.

After a quiet minute, Kaidan lifted his head up, let go of Shepard's hand, and put that arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer so that he leaned into the sentinel, reversing their postures.

"Well I think my parents would like you," he said, bravely trying to stifle the worry and hurt that thinking about them brought up. He hadn't heard anything from his family since leaving Earth, but he was holding out hope that some of his inquiries to Alliance brass would turn up some lead on them.

"Really?" Shepard asked, curious.

"The saviour of the Citadel? How could anyone's parents not be thrilled to hear that their son or daughter netted that fish?" Hadrian snorted.

"He's such a caaaaatch," he mocked in a motherly tone.

"Well, even before the Citadel battle I also might have told them a bit about you two years ago... about the ruggedly attractive new XO I was serving under aboard my new assignment," Kaidan blushed a little, looking up at the ceiling as though to break scrutinizing eye contact with Shepard's reflection in the window before them.

"I knew Ash was yammering to her sister about me during that... but there- again- _see_? _You_ should have just been up-front about liking me back then. I could have been spared all that awkwardness of trying to make her feel welcome aboard the _Normandy_ without leading her on, and just told her 'sorry, sister, the el-tee's already 'serving under me' if you catch my drift.'" Hadrian playfully swatted the major's thigh in trumped-up irritation with him.

"And missed watching you squirm? Man, she was _determined_," Kaidan laughed, reminiscing about Williams' talking about him when Shepard wasn't around. It had all been a bit weird, keeping his own feelings for Shepard under wraps while listening to her fawn somewhat, especially now, in retrospect.

"I oughtta' make _you_ squirm," Shepard quipped, trying to get the subject back to the two of them. Talk of Williams raised a question that pressed on Kaidan, however- in especially stark relief, under the circumstances.

"In time, eh. But... Commander..." the rank heralded the seriousness. "I've always wondered... and I can't help but wonder all the more, now... when you came back for me on Virmire, and left her covering Kirrahe's squad's retreat..."

"Kaidan-" Hadrian lifted his head from Alenko's shoulder and turned his face away uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry. I am. But... given how I felt about you, and how I guess now you felt too... I don't know what I want the answer to be, but... did that have anything to do with...?" The question trailed off, but it was obvious. Had he been saved from that nuclear fireball because he was the better officer, or because it had been more critical to safeguard the bomb he'd been assigned to arm, or merely because of something 'personal?'

Shepard hesitated for a long beat before he turned back to lock eyes with Kaidan. "I had at least two reasons," he said earnestly. "And one of them was... that I could never have left you behind. Ash was a good soldier, I wanted to save her too, but when I _had_ to choose... I chose you. I chose you then, I choose you now... I'd choose you again. Over and over again, I'd be hard pressed to choose anyone else, if you have to know the truth. If that makes you feel... I don't know- guilty, or unfairly favoured, or whatever- I don't care. If it's my choice, I..." He looked away again, down at the floor, and picked his thumbnails together pensively.

Well, he was certainly learning what made his man 'tick.' 'Dedication and 'all that.' Having his answer, finally, after those years of always questioning whether there had been more _to it_, brought him some unexpected solace in the knowledge that his life had been spared for more than just practical considerations. But he could sense that it had also raised the anxiety for Shepard, who'd tried to steer the conversation back to their relationship in the present. The least he could do was relent a little.

"So... _how_ exactly would you like to make me 'squirm?'" he asked, putting a hand back between Shepard's, interrupting his fidgeting, and knocking their legs together affectionately. Hadrian looked back to him, his face a bit sad at first. But then it cocked slightly to the side and his eyes narrowed, trying to gauge Alenko's intent. Kaidan let out a little more 'line' to hook him, and said "as long as we're opening up, and getting to know each other all over again... when the moment's right, what _do_ you want to _do_ to me, Commander?" and with that he produced a kindly, slightly mischievous smile for Hadrian. It proved contagious, and Shepard flashed a wolfish, toothy grin too.

"Hmmm, _well_," he said, engine practically revving, "when you asked to come back aboard my ship and 'serve under me' again, I started having all _kinds_ of thoughts dad would never have approved of."

"You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine," Kaidan offered. Shepard was suddenly filling the room with a whole new atmosphere, like a hormonal terraforming plant, and it was hard not to get swept up in the rising tide of his wicked enthusiasm.

"Yours had better be good, and you'd better not skimp on the detail, because those English classes I took gave me plenty to work with when it comes to describing every smutty, lurid fantasy I've thought up around you."

"I'll do my best to keep up," Kaidan promised. After a piercing gaze for a moment, Shepard got up, pulled Kaidan to his feet and led him over to the window before them. He maneuvered Alenko to stand in front of him, their bodies nested close together, looking out at the passing stars, his arms around the major and clasped together over his stomach. Then they slid gently around his waist, and one continued up to his shoulder. A sudden, firm push at his back and pull at his hip made him reach out and his hands caught the edge of the window frame in front of him.

He felt Shepard gently kick at the insides of his feet, spreading his legs to about shoulder-width, and then felt Hadrian twitch and swell with arousal against the seat of his pants. His pulse started to quicken and he cleared his throat before swallowing hard and starting to breathe more deeply. His own manhood started to stir as he stood there, bent over, feeling the slight grinding from behind.

"Hnnn," he groaned softly. "Right _here_?" he asked in a slightly breathless, conspiratorial tone.

"Right. The fuck. Here," Hadrian growled assertively. "With the door _open_." Kaidan blushed a little at the thought. And here he'd worried about decorum?

"Isn't that a little-"

"It's a _lot_," Hade interrupted. "But as we said in my assault mastery class- 'the higher the risk, the higher the reward.'" He started to pump his pelvis a bit more aggressively, and Kaidan felt the swelling become downright solid against his seat.

"Nnnnhh. You're a bit of a freak, aren't you?" he asked, smiling excitedly.

"A bit. Now it's your turn, tit for tat, tell me yours before I get impatient and just decide to go ahead with mine."

Kaidan took another deep breath to try and collect his thoughts from the swirl of arousal that he was circling like a cork in a vortex. "Hmm," he hummed, "you know that card table in the lounge?" he asked.

"Ya' don't say," Shepard mused, audibly smiling behind him. "_Over_ it, or _on top_ of it?" Alenko's chest swelled and shrunk with aroused breathing, and he gripped the window ledge tighter.

"Both," he confessed, feeling just a little... no, not _embarrassed_... but definitely 'exposed.' Hadrian's throat rumbled approvingly.

"Mm-hmm... and which of us is-"

"_Both_," Kaidan said immediately, urgently. He felt Hade's hand move from his shoulder to the back of his neck, massaging it, causing his head to roll forward submissively. It triggered a broader reaction, and he found his pelvis starting to writhe back against Shepard's with provocative gluteal contractions.

"Mmmn- fuck yeah... what else?"

Kaidan was starting to feel a bit dizzy- which made him worry about the possibility of a migraine- but he sucked in another deep breath and pressed the side of his face against his arm, eyes closed, and bit his lip. "Ohhh god... y- you know Vega's pull-up bar down in the hangar bay?"

The idea must have tweaked something, because Shepard's hands on him suddenly pulled him back upright, spun him around to face him, and grabbed him by the back of his thighs, lifting him off his feet. He wrapped his legs around Hadrian's waist and his arms over Hadrian's shoulders; in turn, Hade's hands groped and squeezed his cheeks, greedily trying to pull them apart inside his pants, and he felt the commander's mouth hot on his neck. Shepard carried him several paces to the right, walked him over the foot of the 'dream recliner' chair, and set him down in it just so, positioned so that if they hadn't had their clothes on...

"There is no place aboard this ship that I _don't_ want to fuck you," Shepard hissed impatiently. "Is it that 'right time' you were talking about _yet_?"

Kaidan whimpered at the reminder, suddenly finding he was reluctant to follow through. But _this_ _was_ happening... _awfully_ fast, two year wait notwithstanding, and his inner planner-and-controller urged him in a small, nagging voice to slow things down. He wanted it to happen, _absolutely_- he'd clearly just 'outed' himself as wanting it. And with every bit as much a wicked, risque flavour as Hadrian had invoked. But the sudden, crazed feeling of it all... he didn't want just some torrid, desperate fling while the universe was crashing down around them.

"I wish it were," he sighed breathlessly, a pained look on his face. "I really wish it were, b-but... I really... I want to know we aren't just being-" Hadrian ground his hard-on against the protesting sentinel's pubis again, trying to persuade him, but despite the lusty wave of pleasure it caused, it only made him more certain he wanted to slow things down. He grabbed Shepard and pulled him closer- close enough that all they could do was breathe together. 'Clinched up' as they were, he waited until he felt Hadrian let out a slow, slightly thwarted sigh, relaxing a bit. He got the message.

"Well," he grumbled into Kaidan's chest, "if we aren't going to get it on right now, I'd _really_ better go... '_pull rank_'... because if I stay here-"

"Yeah," Kaidan nodded, still a bit flustered. "same here." He held Hadrian in the pacifying embrace another minute until he felt the _urgency _of their mutual excitement start to abate. "I _know_ how you feel," he said. "I just... I want to show you that you're _more_ to me than just-"

Shepard interrupted him with a dismissive grunt, and he lifted his head to look up at Kaidan with dull, discomfited eyes. "I get it," he groaned. "And I _do_ like that you're a romantic. Just... we're going to have to figure out some pressure relief system and quick, if we're going to do this without _doing_ this as right-the-fuck-now as we _want_ to."

"Trust me- I'm planning some pressure relief as soon as you're out of here and I can lock myself in the head for five minutes."

"Hrm. Well... I want to see you again. Tomorrow night. Think of something before then, or I might just have to _defile_ you." Hadrian reluctantly peeled himself away and stood up, adjusting his pants.

"I'll see what I can do about that," Kaidan said, sighing. He felt like an idiot, but he justified it to himself by thinking about how much the prize would be worth in the end. Shepard leaned down and kissed him, then paused and gave Kaidan a quizzical look.

"Hey... one thing before I go. Say my name."

Kaidan made a bit of a puzzled face. "Shepard?"

Shepard shook his head slowly. "We're involved now, _Kaidan_." He kissed Alenko again softly. "So say _my name_."

Ah. It became clear now- it had still been 'Shepard' this and 'Commander' that even since their first date. He knew he'd said it before, but never to Shepard's face. He smiled and looked into the other man's eyes. "Hadrian," he said, "as in, 'mom, dad, this is my boyfriend, Hadrian.'"

Shepard grinned approvingly. "About time. Now I've gotta go or you're gonna get tore up. Good night, Major hotness." With that he stalked out of the room like a tiger whose prey had escaped.

And sure enough, as soon as he was gone, Kaidan made a bee-line for the men's room to attend to himself and take a cold shower before turning in.

-1.3

_SSV Normandy_, en route to Rannoch, the next evening

-1.3

"And this one?" Kaidan asked, brushing his fingertips across another scar, this one lower, on the small of Shepard's back. Laying on his stomach, Hadrian looked back over his shoulder.

"That one. Ahh... to tell the truth I don't remember. Must have been from the _Normandy_ explosion... or the atmospheric entry afterwards... or the landing, I don't know. I guess maybe when you can't keep track of them all it must be getting close to time to retire, ya' think?" Kaidan slid Shepard's boxerbriefs down ever so slightly and leaned down to kiss the discolouration.

"Just about," he said. "You ever think about what you want to do after this is over?"

"I wasn't really thinking that far ahead, I'm just enjoying what you're doing," Shepard smirked, then winced as Kaidan swatted his taut behind.

"You know what I mean," Kaidan said. He ran his hand down over Hadrian's clothed buttock to his thigh, and one of the barely-visible white lines that criss-crossed Shepard's body from the reconstruction. He traced it with his fingernail, silently remarking to himself the fineness of the incision.

"I know. But I don't know, I guess the last year has just... taught me I really don't know what's next. I try to get through the fight that's right in front of me, and just hope that I'll come out the other side of one of those fights to find the war is won." Hadrian rolled onto his side and looked down his body to where Kaidan sat on the bed, also in his underwear, one leg draped over Shepard's behind his knees. "And that everyone's still standing with me when it's over."

Kaidan turned himself and stretched out parallel to Hadrian, laying with his head propped up on his hand. He rested his other hand on Shepard's hip and used his thumb to stroke the skin just above Shepard's waistband. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. Shepard inched forward and rested his forehead against Alenko's.

"You'd better not be. I want to get used to all of this with you."

"Same here... I think we deserve that much, eh?" Kaidan kissed Hadrian's cheek, then his eyebrow, and returned to touching foreheads. He felt a little shrug from the other man across their touching points.

"Life ain't about what we deserve, is it?" Hade sighed. "If we got what we deserved, we'd already be on a honeymoon or some damned thing. We'd _at least_ have fucked each other senseless by now." He grinned and chuckled, but the intent... his desire... they were dead serious.

Kaidan took a deep breath, inhaling Shepard's scent. His whole body was buzzing with longing and he could practically feel a current- electromagnetic, stronger than mere old gravity- where their skins were touching. "I'm having serious second thoughts about this rule we just arbitrarily made up," he said wistfully.

"Only second thoughts? I'm on fifth or sixth thoughts and I'm hating it. I just want to charge you and detonate," Hadrian chuckled, biting his lip.

"Hmm. I could help set that up. But we said at least one... at least _one_ night where we just... take it slow. Waste time. Like idiots."

"Total idiots," Hadrian sighed, tilting his head so that their noses brushed against each other.

"Fucking idiots. Or, _not fucking_ idiots."

"You and your coy... cute as hell word-play, and your talking me into this _stupid_ waiting game..."

"_So_ stupid," Kaidan agreed breathlessly.

"Going against my training, the way I handle things- my whole..."

Alenko's fingers tightened against Shepard's hip, his thumb hooking and tugging at the waist of his boxerbriefs, and he groaned. "Nnnnghhh- against your hole?"

Hadrian swallowed hard, sliding his hand up to Kaidan's chest, his thumb brushing Alenko's nipple and feeling it harden instantly. "Shut _uuuuup_," he hissed. "Shut the _fuck_ up, Major, you aren't making this any easier."

"No? So I'm... making it harder?" Kaidan smirked, nuzzling their faces together as his hand wandered around to Hadrian's front, the backs of his fingers brushing Shepard's stomach, the heel of his palm feeling the heat and stiffness below through the straining black fabric. He felt an electric twitch and a brief surge of weightlessness- was it imagined, or Shepard's biotics tweaking with excitement?

"When we... _finally_... really _do_ this... Joker's gonna' think the ship's hit turbulence," Hadrian groaned, grabbing Kaidan's wrist and pulling it behind his back. They pulled each other impossibly close, every inch of their chests tingling together, legs intertwined, erections squeezed together between hips that were trying to melt into each other through the fabric of their underwear. Their lips met- open-mouthed, not like their previous kisses the last few days- and both shivered with barely contained, mad, impatient lust.

Kaidan tasted sweet, creamy coffee, and nutty chocolate from a protein bar, and a coppery tang from the metal that had been used to reconstruct Shepard's jaw. To Hadrian, Alenko was all cinnamon and icing sugar and vanilla underneath the crisp taste of the mint he'd had in his mouth when he arrived at Shepard's cabin. Their tongues wrestled in long, slow motions punctuated by fits and starts and the over-eager clacking of teeth.

When the pair finally broke their kiss and gulped for air, Kaidan's hand darted back to Hadrian's hip and he pried them apart reluctantly, trying to slow the pace. "Why did I want us to go slow, exactly?" he whimpered.

"Because you're a dummy," Shepard growled, gently biting the other man's cheek. "A stupid, stupid fucking dummy. A _ridiculously_ romantic... hot as hell... fucking dummy."

"Mmm-hmm. Y'know what we _should_ do, _right now_?" Kaidan asked, taking a deep breath.

"Get _these_ _off_," Hadrian snapped instantly, tugging at Alenko's underwear, "then use our mouths-" he kissed Kaidan's neck- "to get ready for... nnnhhh, _fuck_, and then I can think of about half a dozen other things, but we'll never make it through all of them without a break for snacks." Kaidan shuddered excitedly but shook his head, Shepard nipping with his teeth at his cheeks, chin, jaw.

"Nooo- well, I mean yeah, but no... We should... spend all this energy somehow-"

Shepard ran the fingers of one hand through Kaidan's hair, gripping a handful of it and lightly tugging his head back to hungrily kiss his neck again, while the other slid around Alenko's waist and clawed at his firm cheeks. "Mm-hmm, we should."

"Some _other_ how," Kaidan interjected, gasping and resisting the urge to arch his back, "and then... go to sleep. Together, but- _sleep_ sleep."

Shepard huffed, giving Kaidan an intense, ravenous look directly in the eyes. "I have a _lot_ of energy to spend, all over _you_. How 'other' do you plan to burn all of it off?"

Kaidan pulled away- reluctantly, but with his willpower rallying- and leaned over the edge of the bed, reaching for something on the floor. The sight of the sentinel's backside, bent over the bedside slightly elevated and stretched out, exerted an irresistable pull and Hadrian pressed his face squarely into it, biting a bit less-than-playfully and eliciting a gasp and a yelp. He nuzzled his face into Kaidan's pelvis harder as Kaidan tried to push himself back up, and despite his intent to self-restraint Alenko parted his legs slightly and moaned plaintively before remembering himself and deftly manoeuvering himself- pivoting onto his back by swinging his left leg over Shepard's head and shoulders and using a little biotic thrust to push himself back up into a seated position beside where Hadrian knelt. He held up what he'd retrieved from the floor- a condom from his pants pocket.

"Now you're talkin'!" Shepard smiled, wolfish, but Kaidan grinned and shook his head.

"Shhh. It's a game from Brain Camp. We didn't use one of _these_ but I'm improvising. Watch and learn." He held it up between them, focused his attention, and removed his hand, holding it aloft in a mass effect field. After a moment, through his intense concentration, he said to Shepard "okay... now... you try to push it toward me- not like you're throwing a merc, but just... move it toward me in a controlled way." Hadrian shimmed over to sit in front of Kaidan, splaying his legs out on either side of the Major, and looked intently at the condom. It seemed like a curious exercise, but after a skeptical moment he focused on it and exerted his own biotic ability.

The condom didn't budge. Shepard furrowed his brow slightly, and as his gaze drifted beyond the wrapper to Kaidan's face he noticed the growing smirk.

"Problem?"

"Are you pushing back?" Hadrian asked.

"Maybe. Try pulling it to yourself instead." Shepard re-focused and subtly flexed the muscles in his arms that triggered his biotics to pull, but after a miniscule shift it stayed suspended in place. Kaidan was starting to breathe harder, though.

"Aaah, I see how it is," Hadrian said, narrowing his eyes. "Biotic tug-of-war?"

"Something like that," Alenko chuckled. "You tug and I tug, you push and I push. Push, pull, push, pull... I try to keep it where it is and you try to move it, toward me or toward you, doesn't matter. It's about precision, and control, and learning to... read each other, to anticipate those little shifts between pulling..." his chest rose slowly, drawing Hadrian's gaze, "and pushing." The condom snapped forward and against Hadrian's chest, just hard enough to serve as 'punishment' for his distraction.

"Mm-hmm. I get it." Shepard picked it up off the bed and held it up halfway between them. He was intrigued enough to play along. Taking his hand away, he suspended the condom in his own mass effect field, feeling a bead of sweat run down his side under his arm from the tight focus and physical exertion required to will a breach of gravity. He looked past the token of their little contest into Kaidan's eyes, and tried to gauge what the sentinel would do.

Half an hour later, the two dozed off in each other's arms, content, glazed in perspiration and feeling spent from the stalemate they'd quickly established... the un-opened condom lay on the pillow behind 'big spoon' Shepard's head.

When Hadrian awoke the next morning, Kaidan had turned in his sleep to face him. Looking at Alenko's peaceful face, he didn't have the heart to wake him. He'd let 'his Kaidan' sleep; reports could wait a couple of hours.

-1.4

_SSV Normandy_, en route to The Citadel from conducting S&R ops following Rannoch, 11 days later

-1.4

"I've got some land on the Sunshine Coast I could put up," Kaidan proposed.

"Ah, I'll pass," Vega chuckled. He'd made off with Kaidan's pocket money, and frankly land on Earth wasn't very compelling stakes under the circumstances. Leaning against the transpariplast panel enclosing the lounge's game table with his arms crossed, Hadrian grinned.

"You've got the clothes on your back," he suggested. Kaidan gave him a mischievous look.

"Strip poker?" Vega asked. "Uh, no offense Sirs, but maybe _if_ we invited a couple of the ladies to the game. Like that Private Westmoreland."

"What's the matter, Vega? Afraid we'll tag-team you to get your kit off?" Shepard's smile grew as James raised an eyebrow and tried to give him a tough, cocky look, but the sheepishness in his expression shone through.

"I'm pretty sure I could take both of you, Commander," he said, puffing up a little. But he deflated just as quickly when, across the table, Kaidan snorted and put a hand over his mouth. "What? Wait- that didn't come out right."

"Sounds like it 'came out' alright to me," Kaidan teased. James pursed his lips and nodded, accepting his teasing.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, shifting his 'footing,' draping his bulging arm casually over the back of his chair and looking at Shepard. "Tell you what, Commander- that N7 hoodie you got? Stake that and I'll play along, if I had a shot at that bit of merch I'd chance baring it all and lettin' you espadachines molest me with your eyes. How 'bout it, Loco?"

Shepard held his smile, but shook his head. He'd seen Vega get taken for a ride before alright, but he'd also seen a couple of winning streaks and that hooded sweater had a lot of sentimental value. "Not today, Lieutenant. So if you're done fleecing my right-hand man, I'd like to poach him for a bit."

"Is _that_ what you two are calling it now? Well Sirs, far be it from me to come between a man and his right hand!" Vega smirked.

"Don't get too cozy with those credits, carne," Kaidan said, getting to his feet, "I'm going to expect a rematch."

"I'll play two-for-one stakes if you can get that sweater off him to... aw wait... crap. I mean if you- Dios mio, never mind! You know where to find me, Major. " James laughed.

"He does. On the bottom, with Steve," Shepard quipped, winking at Alenko who cracked a knowing smile back. As they exited the lounge he asked Shepard "So... business or pleasure, Commander?"

"Your pleasure _is_ my business nowadays, Major." Kaidan tilted his head, his smile getting lopsided, and as he followed Hadrian to the elevator he took the other man's hand, intertwining their fingers as they walked. Once inside they stood quietly in the corner, and he rested his head on Shepard's shoulder during the ride up to 'the loft.'

"You know, if James had any idea the thoughts you had about that game table..." Hadrian let the image of the burly marine finding out about their half-serious scheme of 'christening' it hang in the air between them, and they both snorted and laughed on their way past the CIC.

As they entered Shepard's cabin, they dispensed with all appearances and restraint. Shepard waved Alenko in ahead of him, but as soon as the door closed behind them he grabbed Kaidan's hips from behind, turned him around, and backed him up against the wall kissing him eagerly. Their hearts both started to race as their tongues probed each other's mouths. After a couple intense minutes, Kaidan pulled back slightly, catching his breath.

"Now, I'm not complaining, but what brought this on?"

Shepard's hands rubbed his lower back, holding him close, and Kaidan felt his excitement in their pressed-together groins. "I'm just... feeling good about things, after Rannoch. We killed another Reaper. We made peace between the quarians and the geth. We gave Tali's people their home back. It's been a good week, and I want to make it complete." Hadrian closed in and nuzzled Kaidan's neck.

"Mmmh. 'Top it off,' so to speak?"

"You always say the nicest things," Hadrian chuckled, and reached up for the snaps on the front of Kaidan's uniform jacket.

"So, you don't want to... y'know... take any more time? I thought we were actually enjoying building up the anticipation?" His words aside, Kaidan was now fumbling at Shepard's jacket too, breathing heavily with excitement and grinding his hips into the quickening vanguard.

"No," Hade answered matter-of-factly. "Rannoch reminded me of something else- about not hesitating. Dancing with a Reaper destroyer was... well, I don't want to waste another second holding off or trying to get things 'just right' with you. We could get ambushed any minute and blown apart... again. So no. No more hesitating." He unzipped Alenko's jacket and pushed it down over the sentinel's shoulders. Their lips met again, but Kaidan interrupted their kissing with a little, incredulous laugh.

"Right. _You_ hesitate," he said drolly, letting his jacket fall off his arms and reaching back for Shepard's. But Hadrian paused, and backed away slightly, looking into his eyes. His face showed a little consternation. "Did I say something wrong?" Kaidan asked.

"I _do_, you know. Hesitate. You know that I do."

Kaidan smiled awkwardly. "Okay," he said, "you hesitate."

"No- I _do_, Kaidan. I have." It was so earnest, and it had the sense of a confession. There was a hint of pain in it, as though he was hurt that it was news to Alenko, even after all their long talks over the last week and a half. Kaidan put a hand on Shepard's face, willing to pause to take a moment to understand what this was about.

"Alright," he said. "You've hesitated. What about it?" He rested his forehead on Hadrian's, gazing into him.

"And I don't want to anymore because every time I do, I've fucked things up. Every time I've put my instincts on hold to slow things down, or stopped to think things through, I've _over_-thunk them. Whenever I've second-guessed myself and tried to be 'smarter' about things, I've _fucked up_."

"What are you talking about?" Kaidan asked, confused. He took Shepard's hands in his and pulled him gently down the steps from the work-space landing down towards the bed. They sat down on the edge and Kaidan finished undoing and pulling Hadrian's jacket off, and put a hand on his back, rubbing it through his undershirt.

"I fucked up during the battle with Sovereign at the Citadel, when the Fifth Fleet came through the relay and asked _me_ what they should do."

He wasn't sure where this was coming from- he didn't think that any meaning behind their little courtship 'dance' could have grafted itself on to some bigger picture- but it seemed to be bothering Shepard, so he found that he dearly wanted to help ease whatever recriminations the commander had. "Hey, that was a _good_ call," Kaidan said, trying to be reassuring.

"No. No it wasn't. There were ten thousand people aboard the _Destiny Ascension_, and the leaders of the Council. In my gut I _knew_ that it would be worth the risk to our ships to save her- I knew it was the right thing. But I hesitated, and I started _thinking_ about it- what would be 'the smart thing,' or the 'strategic' thing, what would some smarter person _expect_ me to do? So I told them to hold back in reserve, to focus all their strength on Sovereign." Hadrian looked down at his hands, fidgeting awkwardly, picking at his thumbnail the way he did when he was anxious. "But it was a mistake. And seven months ago I did the same thing with the Collector base. That place was disgusting, and my _first_ instinct was to blow it the fuck up, but then I hesitated, and I listened to The Illusive Man talk about what 'the smart thing to do' was. I thought maybe I could out-smart him... out-smart the Reapers... out-smart _myself_. And now- we saw it on Mars- Cerberus is using Reaper technology I handed them on _people_. I helped The Illusive Man do that because I tried to be the 'wise, big picture guy' instead of just being myself-" he looked back up into Kaidan's eyes, longingly, "-the 'dumb cannonball' trained to trust his feelings and rush in and attack, or to defend, or to just go ahead and..." his gaze darted to Alenko's lips, then back up, intensifying, "and..."

And 'attack' he did. It was gentler than when his training launched him into battle, of course, but the same take-no-prisoners spirit was there. He was done waiting and playing it safe and it was like the difference between seeing a tiger in a cage versus in its full glory, in its nature. There was no holding back. In a fluid motion he was on top of Alenko, gripped the collar of his t-shirt with both hands, and ripped it down the middle.

"Ya' know I only _had_ two t-shirts aboard," Kaidan said breathlessly. Then Hade's mouth was on his lean stomach, kissing and breathing fire. He started at the top of the sentinel's pants and his lips eagerly prowled upwards.

Alenko moaned, stiffening up excitedly. He found Hadrian's thumb on his face at the same moment as Shepard's mouth reached his right pectoral. He closed this eyes and opened his lips and took two fingers into his mouth as Hadrian's tongue circled his nipple, and his back arched up off the bed. He felt his left leg nudged aside and the unyielding weight of Shepard's thighs sliding in between his own. Hungry-but-gentle teeth pinched his chest, and he was about to nip back at Shepard's fingers when they pulled back, slipping wet from his mouth and down over his chin. He lifted his head slightly to try and pursue them, and looked down the length of his shivering torso.

Hadrian was sliding back down, licking the crease down the center of Kaidan's abdominals. His hands moved with purpose to Alenko's belt buckle, undoing it and unfastening his pants. Kaidan curled his legs around Hadrian's pelvis and he pulled his seat against Shepard's straining bulge, winning a low, lusty growl out of the commander.

Hadrian's back curled and after unzipping Kaidan, his hands were back- chest, shoulder, the back of his neck, brushing through Kaidan's hair- and Shepard's face descended on Alenko's, kissing him passionately. Every nerve felt hyperactive. The hairs on his arms rose with goosebumbs as he slid one of his hands up the back of Shepard's shirt, fingers digging at his lower back, while the other clutched Shepard's rhythmically flexing buttock. Kaidan hooked his thumb in the back of Hadrian's pants, trying to tug them down to bare skin- more skin was absolutely critical- but he was clumsy with excitement.

Shepard broke their frantic liplock and his teeth found Kaidan's earlobe. His breath was like ion thruster exhaust. "I want you, first," Shepard whispered, and Kaidan gulped breathlessly.

"I want you to, too- ohmygod, I want-"

"You want _what_, Major?" Hadrian rumbled.

"Nnnhhh- you. Your- inside. I..." Kaidan writhed their hips together harder, but there was something about the way his body was trembling that, having engaged in a few nights' worth of foreplay now, Hadrian picked up on.

"You're nervous," Shepard said, pressing their foreheads together and gazing into Kaidan's eyes point-blank.

"I j-just... it's been... I mean, since I-"

"It's alright," Hadrian whispered, "I'm not in _such_ a rush that I can't go... slow." His right arm stretched for the headboard and Kaidan kissed his bicep, catching an intoxicating whiff of Shepard's scent- like leather and wood smoke- from under his arm. He closed his eyes again as Hadrian's mouth docked with his neck, sucking greedily just under Kaidan's jaw. Then he felt a pinpoint scratching run down his chest. He opened one eye and saw the still-pristine condom from their biotic foreplay matches in Shepard's hand, sliding down his trunk.

"Before I'm inside you, I want to give you a little taste of what you can look forward to later," Shepard said. He reached down and slipped his empty hand down the front of Kaidan's boxerbriefs, wrapping his palm around the throbbing cock within. It was slick with Alenko's precum, and after a few long, slow strokes to straighten it out and let it grow to its full erect size, Hadrian pulled it out, tucking the sentinel's underwear under his scrotum. His hand wrapped around it, squeezing and loosening, and then he lowered his head towards Alenko's pelvis.

Hadrian took a deep whiff of the musky scent of Kaidan's groin. Kaidan closed his eyes- the lights seemed so monstrously bright- and squirmed in anticipation. After a brief, teasing wait, he felt Shepard's mouth envelop him. There was an explosion of light behind his eyelids and he felt weightless. He felt ecstatic suction, and wetness, and heat like the sun on a warm summer day. "Ooohhh godddddd!" he moaned, clutching the sheets in his fists and rolling his head back, gasping wildly.

After a too-short couple of minutes of Hadrian licking and sucking him, Shepard raised his body up again. He couldn't help himself of put this off one more second. Still gently stroking Alenko's wet dick with one hand, he slid the other into the crook behind Kaidan's right knee where it was hooked around Shepard's hip, and peeled it away. The hand slid down Kaidan's calf, lifting his leg, and then with a gentle but insistent push, he torqued Kaidan's hips to the right. The rest of his body rolled with it, turning him onto his stomach. Hadrian's weight shifted, disappearing for a moment, then returned as he positioned himself back between Kaidan's legs.

The tickling scratch was back as the corner of the wrapper in Shepard's hand slid up the small of his back, pushing his torn undershirt up under his arms, exposing his back. There was heat and pressure against his ass as Hadrian pressed their bodies close, and he felt Hadrian's mouth on his spine between his shoulders. More hot kisses marched down his back step by step, and then he felt fingers slide into the waist of his loosened pants and his boxerbriefs above his left glute. They slid down, baring one side of his ass, and he started to hear his own blood rushing in his ears. The air felt thick and humid on his skin. His _skin_. Suddenly he wanted to be in _nothing but_ his bare skin. Gulping for breath, he reached over this shoulder with his right hand, grabbed the back of his ripped shirt, and pulled it over his head and off over his arms. Shepard's hand landed with a light thump, warm on his back, and pushed his torso down so that his chest and shoulders were below his hips.

He obligingly- eagerly- held the position except to pull a pillow under his head and bury his face in it. He felt the condom wrapper switch into Hadrian's left hand where it was now holding his pants below his hip, and the other slipped down the right side of his pants. Exploratory, Shepard's fingers wrapped tight around Kaidan's pulsating, slick-cock and slowly 'milked' it, sliding up and down its length a few times before withdrawing to haul his pants down on the right side as well. They were pulled down over his thighs, bunching around his knees, and now that his upper legs were bare he could feel Shepard's skin against his.

Kaidan turned his head to one side and looked back. Shepard was naked except for his t-shirt, which he'd pulled up over his head and wore like a holster behind his shoulders. His whole torso was flushed red with excitement. His left hand gripped at Kaidan's raised hip, and the right probed between his legs- fingers stroking the underside of his scrotum, his thumb brushing and circling Kaidan's sphincter. Something warm and wet dripped there- lubricant or saliva, he didn't know, but Alenko swallowed hard, dizzy with arousal. _Years_ they'd been waiting and working up to this, and now here they were- thighs practically melding into each other, bodies quaking, aching, seeping with slick, wet lust, their skins electrified and blazing with heat, drunk with the smell of each other.

Hadrian positioned himself, pressed Kaidan's legs apart just a little more, and then with a slow, inexorable, white-hot push, slid inside. Alenko quivered like a leaf and gritted his teeth, groaning/squealing into the pillow as he felt his world turn inside-out...

-1.5

The next morning

-1.5

Hadrian slowly opened his eyes to the back of Kaidan's head, which was resting on his outstretched bottom arm, which had gone 'to sleep' for lack of circulation. Alenko's back and buttocks were warm against Hadrian's chest and hips, their legs intertwined. As he looked up at the 'skylight' something caught his attention- something protruding from the otherwise flat, shiny panel above. As he squinted at it, he realized it was pen.

"What the hell...?" he murmured. Lifting his head slightly from the pillow to see over Kaidan's, his eyes widened. The cabin had been in _some_ disarray following their hasty flight from Earth mid-refit, but _this_ was... "_What the fuck?_" he snapped in surprise. Kaidan jolted awake with alarm.

"Wha-? What is it?" he asked hoarsely, turning to look at Shepard. Something he saw over Hadrian's shoulder startled him in turn, and his brow pinched with confusion. "Wait a second..." He nodded behind Hadrian, who looked back at the wall behind him. The end-table was flipped over, its drawers open and their contents spilled onto the floor. It looked like the aftermath of a biotic detonation in an enclosed space. The two looked into each others' eyes.

"Holy shit," Kaidan croaked sheepishly, "did... did _we_ do that?"

Shepard's face turned a little red, but once again, he was smiling a self-assured smile. "I _told_ you we should have switched our amps off," he said.

-1.6

Purgatory Nightclub, the Citadel, later that night

-1.6

Shepard, Alenko and Cortez sat together at a table at the lower bar, where the crew had gathered to celebrate their three-fold victory at Rannoch. Word had reached the Citadel that the quarians had begun re-settlement of their homeworld, and the geth, liberated from the Reapers' influence, had joined the war effort and begun harrowing enemy supply lines, such as they were.

"Are you _sure_?" Kaidan asked, grinning as he looked across the bar toward Vega. "Because I've heard you two bantering back and forth down there and sometimes I'd swear that you were a couple. Or at least that there was _something_ going on." Steve laughed.

"No, Major, he's just a good sport. I think it's curious to him that my own preference is as '_singular'_ as his is." He took a swig of his drink before continuing. "Maybe he thought he was a rare specimen and he just enjoys ribbing the other relic." Kaidan's head snapped back towards him, one eyebrow raised. "_Ribbing_!" Cortez repeated, louder, laughing. "Clean the shit out of your ears. Sir!"

"Like you haven't thought about the other thing!" Shepard laughed, also watching Vega, who was telling animated stories with some Alliance marines. He looked back to his table mates and smiled too. It was unusual but refreshing to see Kaidan being less 'professional'- or was it less 'proper'- around another member of the crew. He remarked inwardly how much more laid back Kaidan had been all day. He figured 'his guy' would still be mortified, however, if he made aloud any comments about 'loosening him up.'

"He _does_ fill out the uniform, and I admire the view sometimes while he's hanging from that chin-up bar. But where most people are less hung-up anyway, I wouldn't sink my time into chasing a strict guy. Not even for the challenge." Cortez chuckled and nudged Shepard with his elbow. "I hear we have that in common, Commander."

Shepard shot a dry look at Kaidan. "I only have to live down _half_ of that comedy of errors," he retorted. "This one thought I was 'too busy for a personal relationship' back on our old ship chasing Saren. That wasn't half the race against time we're in now, and we seem to be managing one alright."

"I'd say the other night was better than 'alright,'" Kaidan added over his shoulder, with a smile that could be heard even facing the other way.

Cortez's head ticked side to side in a double-take and his eyes widened a little. "Wait- so you two _finally_... ?"

Kaidan turned back to face Shepard and the two looked meaningfully at each other. Alenko put his hand on top of Shepard's and squeezed, evoking a relaxed smile. "Three 'sleep-overs' later, yeah, _we_ just couldn't stand the anticipation anymore," he winked.

"Well. Good. That's great!" Cortez said, finishing off his drink and putting his own supportive hand atop the other two men's. "I'd hate to think you boys were nothing but sweaty telekinetic foreplay and longing glances until the night before the big, final fight or something. It'd be a _damned_ shame if you did it once and then we all died! You're too hot together for that. It's something else to celebrate, I'd say!" He held up his empty glass. "So, I'm getting another one of these," he smacked his palm down on top of Shepard and Alenko's hands affirmatively, "and then we're gonna go dance, right?"

Shepard looked at Cortez as he stood up, raising an eyebrow in a playful but questioning look. "The three of us? Sounds like fun but I'm not sure I have enough hands."

"Oh, no- sorry, Commander, not you. I saw that already. Twice!" the shuttle pilot laughed. "When I asked you to dance- that night before you and the Major went out on the Presidium- I thought you might redeem that display you put on with your friend from Grissom Academy. But she was right, Sir, you really just _can't_ dance!" Shepard grimaced as Kaidan very conspicuously turned to give him a knowing, exaggerated open-mouth smile. Cortez patted the biotic on the shoulder and jostled him a little. "Now _this one_, on the other hand, we'll see. I'm hoping for great things! Maybe we'll discuss a lesson plan to try and teach you a thing or two." Steve winked at Kaidan, and with that he sauntered into the crowd toward the bar.

Shepard turned his gaze back to Kaidan, who was now smiling sweetly into his beer. "He's so crazy about you," Kaidan mused, briefly rubbing his temple, his eyelids, and then reaching for his arm to pinch and apply some heat and pressure to the powerful transdermal analgesic patch that Chakwas has given him, so that he could enjoy a night out despite the lights and noise of a bar.

"What? Steve? Get out."

"No, I mean it. He's working to get over it, but he likes you. He's graceful enough that I don't think he's bitter or jealous, but I bet if our first date had been a disaster, he'd have made a pass. Probably tried to nab you on the rebound." Shepard shot an incredulous look from Kaidan towards the lieutenant and back.

"I didn't make that much of it, I thought he was just flirting because I'd helped him with some personal stuff and he'd gotten a bit attached... _You_ aren't jealous, are you? I mean he's cute and all-"

"Oh I know," Kaidan interrupted, leaning back in his chair to look over at the pilot as he stretched over the bar to make himself heard by the server, accentuating his shape in his navy blue and white uniform. "Have you _seen_ those big, round, perfectly formed blue _eyes_." He smiled teasingly and sipped his beer.

"Yeah, yeah, cute and all, but I'm with _you__," Shepard grinned. "_We had a drink and we danced- or, apparently, he danced and I embarrassed myself... and I guess maybe we flirted a little. But you and I already had that lunch lined up for the next day. And I _was_ kind of hopeful about that going in. So I told him I just want to be friends. Good friends, but just friends." Alenko shook his head dismissively and squeezed Hade's fingers again, reassuring.

"Don't sweat it," he said. "I'm not worried. Frankly I'm glad he's around. You know we're the only two guys who are _together_ aboard-ship? I mean, I haven't heard anything 'off' from the crew, no ignorant comments or whispering anything like you hear about under some backwards commands. I can tell it isn't a big deal to anybody except the ones who worry about 'fraternization' regardless. Heh- like I did once upon a time. But, more than just not catching flak from idiots two centuries behind the times, it's nice to have someone to talk to about 'us' who we _know_ can relate."

"Yeah, there's that. Well I'm glad you aren't weird about it, if you're right."

Kaidan leaned over and nuzzled their faces together. "Oh, I'm right," he said confidently. They closed their eyes, blocking out the club's throbbing noise, and kissed. When they opened their eyes and parted again, Shepard looked up and smiled as Cortez returned, drink in one hand and a shot in the other. He plunked the shot down in front of Kaidan and slapped his freed hand on the major's shoulder.

"Fuel up, Sir!"

"Aye aye, Lieutenant!" Kaidan downed the shot, leaned over the table again to kiss Hadrian on the cheek, and got up to follow Cortez to the dance floor. Shepard smiled as he watched them- the one he'd waited so long for, and the one that arrived out of nowhere and might have been- sway in time to the music better than he ever did. He knew better than most non-fleet-kids that a ship's crew really could become an extended family, and it was comforting to see that even in the middle of an apocalyptic war, that those connections didn't _have_ to take a back seat to the mission.

Serendipitously, it was then that he spotted Garrus and Tali approaching from the entrance and waved them over. Tali's movements were so _light_ in her suit, she was still energized from the reclamation of Rannoch a couple days ago, and Garrus- despite everything that was going on with Palaven, he still had that unflappable demeanour that was such a cornerstone of their friendship.

Tomorrow Shepard would make his meeting with the asari Councilor, and _Normandy_ would put out for Thessia. But tonight they could take a few hours to enjoy their hard-won successes, the consummation of the two Spectres' relationship, and the growing bonds of affection between them all.

_-_1.7

_SSV Normandy_, departing Thessia, 3 days later

-1.7

Hadrian stalked off the Kodiak, his face a sullen mask of anger and disappointment. He looked up briefly at Kaidan, waiting for him near Cortez' supply & requisitions station, then back down at the floor as he continue toward the elevator.

"Get to MedBay and have Karin check you out," he said to Liara and Javik. "Both of you."

"Your medical officer does not have the experience with prothean physiology to effectively treat me if I _were_ injured, Commander, which I am not-"

"And _I'm_ not interested in anybody's reasoning or excuses, have her take a look at you!" Shepard snapped. He shot a look at Liara as if to ask 'and you?' but she wisely offered no complaint. As the three of them and Kaidan got in the lift a thick silence descended on the way to the crew deck. There was palpable tension between T'soni and Javik, and an _aura_ of it around Hadrian in general. When the elevator stopped at deck 3, Shepard's squadmates from the failed mission to the asari home world debarked and the doors closed again. The two Spectres began their ascent to the 1st deck.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kaidan asked, offering a sympathetic look.

"No." The silence loomed, and the sound of the elevator seemed to grow unbearably loud. When they arrived at the 'loft' cabin Hadrian beat feet inside and Kaidan had to skip a couple paces to keep up. Shepard threw his Umbra visor onto the bed and started to fumble with his gauntlets, but his hands had begun to shake and he was struggling with the release points. It only took a couple seconds for his frustration to boil over. "FUCK!" he yelled, and the blue glow of his biotics started to shimmer as he raised his arm to try and smash the armour piece off against the wall. Though startled by the outburst, Kaidan closed the gap between them, gently snatched his commander's wrist and unfastened the clips holding the forearm sheath in place.

"I'm not going to tell you to calm down," he said, softly and patiently, but with clear concern. "And I'm not going to tell you to get over it-"

Hade interrupted, pulling his arm away and flinging the gauntlet off. It crashed across his desk noisily and he winced at the sound and the mess. His rage was cracking and the helplessness and sorrow underneath bleeding through. "How _could_ I? How could I get over it? Millions of asari are dying behind us right now and _I-_"

"You couldn't have prevented it," Kaidan jumped back in. Hadrian hissed to himself and looked down at nothing in particular- anywhere but Alenko's face. Stepping closer again, Kaidan took Hadrian's shoulders in his hands and patted the armoured pauldrons. "Suppose you'd found out what the Catalyst was," the sentinel continued, "was learning that going to instantaneously repel the Reapers that were landing?" He waited for an answer, but after a long moment all Shepard could muster was a deep sigh and a quiver on his lower lip. "You still would have had to have done who-knows-what with that information. Maybe flown us halfway across the galaxy on some new fetch operation, delivered whatever it is to the Crucible, waited for the crews there to integrate it, figured out what difference it made. Meanwhile everything that's happening now would still have been happening."

"It wouldn't be happening for as long," Shepard muttered.

"That's an assumption. For all we know the Catalyst is something already long-gone and finding out what it is will ultimately do us no good anyway!"

Hadrian's mouth dropped and he shook his head in a flabbergasted expression of despair. "Oh, well, yeah! We could just be _completely_ wasting our fucking time," he said sarcastically. "We might have failed years ago, fucked it up before we even knew how bad it was. That's much better!" He seemed to shrink away, but Kaidan pulled him close and wrapped his arms around the ailing vanguard.

"We are _all_ doing the best we can," he said, "and you more than anybody I can think of. _Nobody_ can fault us for doing any less."

Shepard shuddered and choked out a sob through angrily gritted teeth. "My best wasn't good enough today," he snarled. Then his forehead dropped against Alenko's shoulder and his grip tightened, like someone shipwrecked and clutching to a buoy in the middle of the ocean.

"That Cerberus fuck outmaneuvered you. This time. And only by _cheating_- the bitch brought a gunship."

"I've _killed_ gunships before," Hade growled. "On Omega, on Illium, on Beckenstein- fucking gunships are _not_ my kryptonite!"

"When they're attacking you is one thing. When they're laying down non-stop suppressing fire so some chickenshit space ninja can recharge his shields because he's afraid you're going to beat him down, that's another. And when they're shooting the floor out from under you it's _cheating_," Kaidan insisted in his most consoling voice.

"I should have been _faster_, more aggressive, not given him the chance to-"

"You're the fastest, most aggressive attacker I know," Kaidan assured him. Shepard shook his head, heaving with frustration.

"I should have-"

"You _did_ the _best_ you could."

"It wasn't- I should have- I-"

"Stop it," Kaidan pleaded. He put a hand on the back of Hade's neck and squeezed, and the doubts stopped sputtering out. He felt Shepard's weight against him, trembling and gasping for breath, fighting back a full-scale outburst, and he found himself _wishing_ Hadrian would just cry it out so he could be there to support him through it.

But there was still more anger than sadness, more anger than recriminations. His heart was breaking for the asari losing their lives and their homes, but more than that, he was fuming. Kaidan stroked the back of Hadrian's hair for a long minute before the vanguard lifted his head and looked him in the eyes, resting their foreheads together.

"Help me out of this fucking armour," he sighed, "I have to get changed and call the asari Councilor."

Kaidan nodded and backed off a step, starting to un-snap and un-buckle the connectors holding the armour plates together, stripping Hadrian down to the woven battlesuit underneath. First the other gauntlet, then the shoulderpads, the breastplate, the greaves and cuisses. Finally he slowly started sliding down the zipper on the form-fitting black woven armour 'body glove' beneath, exposing the bruised and scarred skin underneath. He unzipped it to Shepard's navel and peeled it back over his shoulders, off his muscular arms. The upper half hung down around Hadrian's waist and the rising and falling of his chest began to quicken slightly as he felt Kaidan's longing eyes plying over his torso.

Alenko dropped slowly to his knees, looked up into Shepard's still sad eyes, and lowered the zipper the rest of the way- through the diagonal turn it took toward his hip just above his pubic region (to avoid any zipper 'chewing' of delicate parts) baring most of his pelvis on the right side. He slid his hand inside and around to Hadrian's hard ass cheek, pushing the body suit down over his thighs and exposing the commander completely above the knees. He leaned his face in closer, catching a whiff of the sweat that the suit hadn't completely managed to wick away, and kissed Shepard's pelvis between his hip and his cock, which twitched against his cheek and started to throb.

"This- it r-really doesn't feel like the right time," Hade whimpered, no more than half-convincingly, as he looked down at his XO.

"It's the end of the world and it's hurting you," Kaidan said in a low voice. "I know it won't make you feel any better, but I want to try anyway."

Despite himself, Hadrian continued to harden. His breathing deepened and quickened, his hands found their way to Alenko's shoulder and the crown of his head, and he closed his eyes as Kaidan took him into his warm, lust-whetted mouth.

"I tried," Hade said pleadingly. Kaidan- not stopping- suckled at his now-rigid erection and squeezed his buttocks and upper thighs affirmatively. "F-fuck, I tried... And now I have to... nnnhhh... to try and explain how- aw- aawwww- ohhh god." Hadrian gripped Kaidan tighter as his hips started to bob back and forth of their own accord. His thighs started to quiver as the sentinel's hands wandered, one to the front, gently kneading his balls and the other sneaking between his cheeks, a finger wriggling at his rear.

It would end up being an hour before he made his call to the Citadel. He would still be angry, and frustrated, and disappointed, but at least he had the small consolation of knowing that however he felt he'd failed on Thessia, he still had Kaidan's devotion and the fresh sense-memory of his tongue against his skin, his breath hot against his groin, his finger inside, coaxing him to give in an release whatever was pent up inside him...

And at least Traynor would have some good news about a possible location on the fucker Kai Leng.

-1.8

_SSV Normandy_, en route from Horizon to the Horsehead Nebula, 5 days later

-1.8

The door to Shepard's cabin split apart and slid open, and Kaidan stalked cautiously inside. His whole body was tense- his head starting to ache from the stress- the lingering physical expression of his anger at what they'd discovered at 'Sanctuary.' He didn't immediately see Hadrian, and he wondered if he'd missed him since Shepard had visited him in the observation deck and invited him up to try and relax.

"Hadrian?"

"I'm here," came Shepard's voice from below on the other side of the desk's display case. Kaidan went down the steps to the living area and found Hade to his right, on his knees on the floor in front of the couch, having pushed the table several feet out of place.

"What're you doing?" Kaidan asked, a little perplexed. Hadrian looked up, mirroring the expression back.

"You're asking? I thought your doctors back on the Citadel after Mars _prescribed_ you meditation, yourself. I was meditating." Alenko made a bit of a confused face.

"What? Meditating? You?" The curiosity briefly eclipsed his stewing anger, and softened his mood fractionally. He approached and lowered himself to sit cross-legged beside Hadrian.

"Yeah, '_me_,'" Shepard smiled slightly, looking back to the floor a few feet in front of him and taking a deep, placid breath.

"Fuck off, _you_ don't _meditate_," Kaidan laughed. "I've spent half my nights here since coming back aboard the _Normandy_ and I've _never_ seen you meditating."

"I've never _seen_ you drop a deuce or watched you shave below decks, but I'm sure you do the first and I _know_ you do the other," Hadrian's smile widened. "And if I walked in on you doing either I certainly wouldn't say 'hey, you don't do _that_.'"

"If _you_ walked in on me shaving _anything_ you'd offer to get anywhere I couldn't see," Alenko said dryly.

"Probably. So? What's so incredible about me meditating? It's another kind of training, like learning to handle a gun or use biotics, just... this is about learning how my mind works, and accepting it, and seeing reality for reality, you know?" Shepard paused, thoughtfully. "_And_ finding a little peace. And after Horizon- seeing what Lawson was doing- I needed a bit of that more than usual... But it isn't a religious 'thing,' if that's what you're thinking, I'm not some closet-religious-case. I mean, some of the people I learned from took the reincarnation and some of the mythology stuff seriously, but it's just a _practice_ for me."

Kaidan shook his head to try and dispel Shepard's apprehension. "No, no. You just... even with how much time we've spent together the last weeks, and how much better I've gotten to know you, it's still a surprise. You still manage to surprise me." Kaidan nudged Hadrian a little, but when the restive vanguard didn't move, he shimmied up to his side and rested his head on Shepard's shoulder.

"Well, that's because you'd like to think you know everything. So... you know, sometimes you assume that your assumptions are right. Like on Horizon after the Collector attack last year." Kaidan lifted his head and gave Shepard a complicated look, like a wrongly accused man's expression of hurt. Without even lifting his eyes, Hadrian picked up on the emotional shift. "That wasn't a dig at you, I mean. I wasn't trying to call you- y'know, never mind. I'm sorry. I was just trying to say... we've both made mistaken assumptions and deductions about each other over the years, right? But hasn't admitting what we didn't know, and opening up to each other, and learning better always been what got us closer?" He finally broke his posture and turned his body toward the major. "_I_ used to think you were strict, remember? I'm glad I was wrong about you on that."

"Okay," Kaidan conceded. "You're right. I guess it'll take more than a month here and a month there with two years in between before we get to where we don't surprise each other anymore." He interlaced his fingers with Hadrian's and balanced his chin on his knee.

"Maybe if we're lucky, we never will," Shepard grinned. The calm and the insight _was_ a side of him that Kaidan hadn't really seen before, but it was a welcome new facet. It helped with that small, nagging voice that occasionally arose to whisper to Kaidan that this might just be some sham- a desperate fling with a shallow egocentric exploiting him for comfort and affirmation. That he had such a placid, thoughtful aspect, it made it easier to trust that he was taken _seriously_.

"It's just... it seems out of character with how I've seen you in a fight, and..." he looked toward the bed, recalling how- after at _least_ one 'go' every night for the last five nights together, and as they'd learned each others' 'moves' and rhythms- he'd come to recognize the same wild, irresistible kinesis in Hadrian's style in sex as on the battlefield. Blasting through without really thinking that deeply on abstractions or chasing 'enlightenment' just _seemed_ to be a consistent theme, one that he'd been trying to reconcile with his esteem and affection for his commander.

"I get that," Shepard shrugged, accepting the point. "But... that _way_ that I seem to you- to everybody, I suppose- it isn't _all_ that I am. Maybe it isn't even really what _it appears_ to be. I told you that first night we were really _together_ that I'm at my best when I don't hesitate. When I listen to my instincts." Hadrian pulled Kaidan's hand closer and kissed the back of it. "Well... it took practice to tune in to that. I had to get to _know_ myself before I could _trust_ myself, enough to do- well- _whatever_ crazy thing comes to mind. Before it gets loaded down with a lot of... 'conceptual baggage' or doubts. It took practice. To live in the moment, and try to get the most out of every sensation and intuition... I couldn't really be 'that way' _without_ learning to reflect first." Shepard smiled at the irony in the summary he'd figured out through explaining it. "My recklessness is _very_ mindful." He puffed up his chest a little, theatrically. "I may well be the most mindfully reckless motherfucker in the Milky Way."

Kaidan thought about it, and it made sense, but it also stirred up a twinge of guilt in him. "So... when I talked you into us 'starting out slow,' instead of just sort of barreling in-"

Hadrian chortled, obviously misconstruing it- probably deliberately, of course.

"Oh shut up," Kaidan rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. The week of beating around the bush and massages and restraint 'n all that, when I _know_ you wanted to just get on with it- when I wanted to, too, but thought that taking our time would make it 'better'- I guess that must have been... pretty obnoxious, huh?" Shepard reached out and put a hand on the back of Kaidan's neck, squeezing it affectionately.

"Not one second of our being together has been 'obnoxious' to me," he said earnestly. "Not in the least. It was... like learning to use chopsticks, when you really just want to grab your food with your hands and dig in. It can be a little uncomfortable, but there's no reason to regret learning something new that might come in handy someday... especially not if you're in love with your teacher."

Kaidan laughed. "Now you're _definitely_ screwing with me, if you expect me to believe you have the patience to use chopsticks. There's been a long parade of wraps and bars and sandwiches but I've never seen you eat anything requiring so much as a _fork_." Shepard's face lit up.

"Fuck you, you have so- you're just focusing on the last week when everything you've _seen_ me have was _designed_ to be portable and full of energy..." the smile turned wicked "so that I could keep up having my way with you." He brushed his hand behind Kaidan's ear, then squeezed his tricep, then playfully tugged at his belt buckle. "There wasn't time enough for cutting up my food _and_ fooling around. It's not my fault you can't think of anything more than a week passed."

"Fine, may be, but the last week _has_ been... especially memorable." The major leaned forward, brushing his nose against Shepard's. He felt looser. Relaxed. Almost content again. Like he could forget about Horizon, forget about the war going on from one end of the galaxy to the other. "Thanks," he said softly.

"For what? Us pounding the bejeezus out each other for the last week? That's a little _formal_, don't ya' think?" Hade gave Kaidan a playful push and the sentinel flopped submissively to the floor, grinning and shaking his head. Shepard followed after, crawling over top of him, straddling Kaidan's waist and rummaging his fingers through his hair. "God, _'thank you'_ makes it sounds like an arranged marriage or some birthday-pity-thing. Or like I'm paying you!" The pair cracked up, and after a minute of warm laughter Kaidan took Hadrian's hands and held them between them on his own chest.

"No," he sighed, "for breaking me out of the mood I was in after Sanctuary. I spent the last day just so _disgusted_ and furious. At Cerberus, and Miranda's father, and The Illusive Man, feeling like- if they were humans, claiming to act for humanity's good, then what the hell is humanity _worth_? I know there's you, and there's my family, and our friends, but... as a civilization? One that produced those murderous assholes? What are we fighting to save if _they_ could do that to other people? I just... I wanted to kill some crazy, evil sons of bitches, but then I kept thinking- if they could do that, what actually makes _everybody else_ any better? That they don't have the resources to do whatever selfish fucking thing they want? That they _don't_ have some 'cause' they believe in strongly enough to do the same- that people are generally too apathetic to be that evil?"

"Ah," Shepard nodded, leaning down, hands on either side of Kaidan's head as if to examine him, "That's a lot to mull over. I could tell you were stewing, but I didn't know there was all of _that_ to it." His scrutinizing gaze took on a bit of an air of disappointment. "So, then... the foul mood is lifted? Your faith is restored and you're _not_ angry anymore?"

Kaidan took a deep, cleansing breath, inhaling Shepard's scent, and shrugged. He didn't know quite what to make of Shepard's expression, but he put on a calm smile and nodded. "Yeah, the clouds are breaking up. It's hard to stay mad around you."

Hadrian huffed. "Well crap."

The major's brow immediately furrowed with unmasked confusion. "What? What do you mean, 'aw crap?'" he asked in disbelief. "Wasn't that why you invited me up here, was to try and cheer me up?"

Shepard returned a sly, sideways grin. "Well... _actually_... I'd hoped we might just relieve your stress in bed so I could find out how you taste when you're _angry_."

Kaidan rolled his eyes, raised a hand to his face, laughed, and gently laid a bemused, playful slap on Hadrian's cheek.

"Goddamn but you're a freaky pervert," he snorted.

"Ah! But see, I know exactly what I am and I accept it- that's the important part!" Shepard started to explain very earnestly. "And since you're crazy about me for what I am, we should see if we can get you riled up so that I can satisfy my curiosity- because I think you'd be a _spectacular_ anger-fuck, I really do." Kaidan laughed hard and tried to roll Shepard off him, but Hadrian grabbed his wrists and pinned him down. "Maybe, and I'm just throwing this out there, but maybe I could tie you up and smack you around and call you names until you get mad enough to biotically bust free and then we just go in at it. Like badgers!" Kaidan heaved underneth him, laughing absurdly and offering up a token struggle. "We won't even say in advance who's what- we'll just wrestle like we fuckin' hate each other, and whoever wins gets to decide!"

They wouldn't be able to muster up any fake hatred, and it wouldn't take long for Hadrian's fetishistic curiosity about anger-sex between them to dissolve somewhere amid the empassioned lovemaking. But he did let Alenko 'win' that night. At least partially to reinforce his point that he could be yielding as well as aggressive.

An hour later, as they lay sweaty and perpendicular, the sheets bunched haphazardly at the foot of the bed- Kaidan's chest and shoulders draped over Shepard's pelvis, chin perched on his hip- Alenko thought back to the unexpected image of Hadrian kneeling on the floor in contemplation. He chuckled, and Hade ran his fingers through the sentinel's hair.

"What- something funny?"

"I just thought of a joke I heard once. Where the, ah- what's he called- the Dalai Lama, he walks into a burger place... or, no, it's a pizza place. And when they ask if they can take his order, he says 'can you make me one with everything?'"

Hadrian smiled and chortled once. "Yeah, I've heard it," he said. "That one's _old_."

"You have any plans to get all enlightened on me? Or to ascend to some 'higher plane'- become 'one with everything'- any time soon?" Kaidan asked, not meaning to be as mocking as it probably sounded. There was a pause and Hadrian took a deep breath, rubbing the back of Kaidan's neck.

"Oh, well, eventually that's the idea, isn't it?" he grinned lazily. "But later. For now I've got too much work to do, and a guy I'm nuts about to debauch _relentlessly_, and not a whole lot of time to do them in. But maybe when I'm done... 'one with everything,' as long as that includes _you_... sure. Why not? Sounds like a plan to me."

-1.9

_SSV Normandy_, after the raid on Cronus Station, 3 days later

-1.9

Shepard sat at his desk, eyes fixed on the _SR1_ model in its display case, lost in thought. They'd returned from The Illusive Man's headquarters a little over four hours ago, with the truth about the Catalyst and the news about the Citadel's relocation to Reaper-controlled Earth orbit. The next, final push would _have_ to come soon, the fleets were just waiting for him to make the call. Everything was building to a head. And his head wasn't in the game.

The door chimed and snapped him out of his brooding. He picked up one of the datapads off the desktop- a prop, to be sure- and said "enter." The door bloomed open and Kaidan stepped through, a bandage on his head jumping out at Hadrian like a blast from a pulsar.

"Hey," Alenko said, stepping into the cabin.

"Hi," Shepard replied, feigning interest in the screen in his hand. "So? Was it bad? Are you-"

"Karin said I'll be fine," Kaidan said softly, making a pacifying gesture with his hands. He closed the distance between them, put a hand on the back of Shepard's neck and kissed the top of his head. "It was just a bump on the head. Leng hit like a little bitch. Don't worry." He stepped back, smiling, expecting the same from Hadrian, but his expression turned concerned when there was no reciprocity. Instead there was only tense anxiety. "Hey," Kaidan knelt down now between Shepard's legs, setting down his kit bag and resting his forearms on the commander's thighs. They were tight- his whole body was taut. "I'm _okay_. I _promise_. A little bump, that's all. What is this?" Shepard was totally closed down, and the contrast to the depths that their relationship had opened up- the sides and facets he'd revealed that were all turned inward now- was sharp and striking.

Hadrian looked away for a long moment before he could meet Alenko's gaze again, eyes stinging. A lifetime of conditioning was telling him how to handle his confusion and hurt: convert it into force and slam it into the problem, hard. But his affection for the man who- after so long- had become his lover and right hand aboard the ship was tempering those instincts. For the first time in a long time.

"I don't know if I can do this, Kaidan. The fight that's next- it's going to be the _big_ one- and I... I don't know if I can..." His hand shot up to rub his eyes and pinch the bridge of his nose. Kaidan reached up and took Hade's hands in his own, kissing them and looking up with worry.

"If you can what? I told you this morning, before we went over there, you'll do the best you can. That's as much as any of us can hope for. I have faith in you, what more can you ask?" He swayed his elbows on Shepard's thighs, rocking him gently side-to-side in the swiveling chair. "You want another 'go' before we head to Earth?" he asked, trying to break the tension.

"No. I mean... I do, I always want more with you... but that's just it. It's _you_. You're the reason I... Something's changed, Kaidan. We're so close to the edge now and I'm..." He shook his head, confused.

"You're what? What's changed? Before we went over there you seemed to have brought it all together; you were strong, _we_ were so _good_-"

"And then I saw you get knocked out by that piece of shit!" Shepard snapped. "Saw him hit you, and you dropped, and I thought... I was afraid you were..."

"But I wasn't-"

"And all I wanted, all I could think to do, was to get to your side and check on you, and to _kill_ that motherfucker- to smash him into absolutely nothing- and I didn't even know which to do first. I hesitated for a second- and _I don't hesitate_ in a _fight_. Maybe when I've caught my breath and the big decisions jump up on me, but _not_ in a fight. But I did, _I_ hesitated because I didn't know which to do first- and for a second I wasn't doing _anything_." He heaved with a despondent sigh. "I was _useless._"

"And then you charged him. You charged him like a slug from the main gun on a dreadnought, and you put _three_ shotgun blasts into him- to the gut, the chest, and his _stupid_ _face_- and before he'd even hit the floor you were there, at my side, checking on me." The image was etched in Alenko's mind- Shepard swooping in over him like some avenging angel- and a proud lump formed in his throat as he recalled it.

"How do you know!" Hadrian shouted. "You were- you were _out._ You don't know the state I was in! You _don't know_ what seeing you like that, _again_, what it did to me! Mars- Mars was bad enough but we still had that tense, fucked up _thing_ going on where you didn't even trust me. Where you thought I was some Cerberus plant or a fucking remote controlled puppet- some zombie Shepard cyborg. But now! Now that you're _mine..._ mine to lose, you make me... You don't even know what you do to me now." Kaidan winced, and there was a long silence as the walls seemed pulled in by the vanguard's anguish. After a minute, he swallowed hard and cleared his throat softly.

"I do, you know. I do know. Because I did see it. I saw it all," Kaidan said solemnly, nodding, and taking to his feet again. He released Shepard's hands and picked up his kit bag, carrying it over to the bed. "Even before you left me in the MedBay to come up here I could tell _something_ had happened during that moment between him hitting me and you waking me up after the fight was done. You were _so_ quiet the whole way back. You looked _at_ me, but it was like- I don't know- you were trying not to _see_ me." He opened his pack and started laying out his other uniform on the foot of the bed for tomorrow. "So after you left, I asked EDI what I missed. You know she records everything that infiltrator body she operates sees? So, she showed me her video memory. It was maybe the most ... _brutality_... I think I've ever seen in the span of a few seconds. So actually I _did_ see what you did. I saw how bad you were hurting."

"You... you did?" Shepard leaned over slightly in his seat, his stomach feeling knotted, but he wasn't sure if it was from the memory, or from the idea that Kaidan _had_ seen him- albeit second-hand- at such a raw moment, or if it was guilt over having snapped at him.

"Yup." Alenko sat down on the bed they'd shared the night before, and numerous times before that, and stretched the aching side of his neck and shoulder where he'd been jarred by Kai Leng's backhand. "I did. And you know what? It was _beautiful_ to me. Awesome. And terrible. But beautiful, too." He patted the bed next to him and reclined back, propped up on his other arm. Shepard slowly rose from his chair and stepped tentatively to the edge of the raised workspace landing overlooking the bed. "Come on," Kaidan coaxed. Tentatively, Hadrian crossed the room and this time lowered himself to his knees between Kaidan's legs, and rested his forehead on Alenko's thigh. Kaidan sighed and rubbed Shepard's back and neck and stroked his short cropped hair.

"I was _so_ worried, I was... Something just locked up and shut down!" Shepard said, choking up. There was no more point in putting on any facades, apparently every veneer had been seen through and it was just the two of them now. His fear and his love were laid out bare, with nowhere to hide. And the two were quickly becoming alloyed into a painful resolve for Hadrian.

"I know. I know. But listen, I'm fine. Look at me." He cupped Shepard's face in his hands and lifted it up to look at him. It was impossibly difficult to see the vanguard, his commander, his rock, so torn up. "I'm good. He hit me, and then you _killed_ that fuck, and that's that. We're fine."

There was another long, pregnant pause. Shepard was breathing hard, his arms wrapped around Alenko's waist.

"I'm not," he finally said. "I'm not fine with the idea of losing you."

"You _won't_. Hade. On my life, you aren't going to lose me. After everything we went through to finally get together, you're never going to lose me. This is _it_, I really believe that; this is the rest of my life- our lives- together." And he meant it, he really did. Hadrian heard all of that characteristic earnestness and sincerity in Kaidan's voice, and _hope_- fuck, the hope in that voice of his. What miracle of 14 billion years of chance and probability and improbability had shaped the neck and vocal chords that gave rise to that perfect, slightly scratchy, throaty baritone? But he pushed that aside- there was no turning back.

"You can't promise that," Hadrian said gravely, shaking his head. "You can't be sure that when we get to Earth and all Hell breaks loose, that something won't happen to you. And I'm telling you, I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand it. If I saw you hurt, saw you go down... I'd be crushed. Where _we_ are now, I'd be helpless." He steeled himself for the rest, because he knew how it would hurt them both. "And it'll get me killed."

"Don't say that," Kaidan pleaded. "This is one of those- you're _over-thinking_ this. Like you do, you know? This is your second-guessing and your doubt, it isn't _you._"

"No. It is, this is my guts, and my- my heart- as much as it's my brains. _Anything_ happens to you- a _spark_ flies off your armour from a glancing shot- and it'll be the death of me. It will. I know it will." He wiped more tears away, though his jaw was set like steel. "Listen... When we get to Earth... I know I can't send you away or ask you to sit it out, but I can't have you at my side. No matter how badly I want you there, it's going to be the most dangerous place anyone could be and if you _are_ there- in my line of sight, on my comms- and anything does happen to you, it's game over for me. I know it. I can't do what I need to do if I'm looking over my shoulder for you the whole time." Shepard sighed heavily, but it was a kind of relief to have it off his chest.

Kaidan looked down at Hadrian pensively, upset but trying to be understanding. It was everything he'd been afraid of, that had held him back from the start. The nagging doubt that had always told him to keep things professional, lest the complications of a personal investment become someone's excuse to hold him back. He recalled his military history from Earth, stories of the Sacred Band of Thebes that had extolled love between brothers-in-arms- no, more than that, had built one of the most effective fighting forces in history _upon_ the fealty of lovers- but also stories of the generations when romance between men was taken for weakness, for baseness, for a reason to doubt their valour or their ability to fight effectively side-by-side. He'd always hated thinking about the latter, and dreaded being held up as a cautionary tale by some regressive asshole CO pining for 'the good old days' of two centuries passed. But he knew now that this wasn't '_that_,' that these circumstances were extraordinary.

Shepard wasn't questioning Kaidan's fitness or objectivity- he was trying to maintain his own. It hurt to think that there was any conflict, but there was nothing shameful in it. He was asking his love to lift a burden of worry from the battle that was coming... but the problem _wasn't_ them. "Okay," he finally said. "Okay... so then where do you want me, if not with you?"

Hadrian made a helpless face and bit his lip. "The corner of the galaxy that's farthest _from_ me?" He shook his head. No, he didn't mean that. "Or just... somewhere that I can tell myself you're safe."

Kaidan leaned down and rested his bandaged head against Shepard's, the closeness- close enough to share each other's breath- giving each some comfort. They were learning to take solace in this 'posture.' "We'll figure something out," he said. "Because I want you to be safe, too. Even if you _are_ at the eye of the storm." Hadrian looked up, took Alenko's chin in his hand, and gave him an earnest look.

"If I'm fighting to make it back to you," he said darkly, "I'm not walking into the eye of _their_ storm. They're getting caught in _mine_." Something savage flashed in his eyes, a rising, functional rage. "Don't be afraid for me. Anything that's between you and me and us getting back to this bed together, be afraid for _them_."

Kaidan smiled, encouraged. His fearsome, fiery vanguard was back. And that always made he feel more secure. "Well what if next time I want us in _my_ bed?"

"_This_ is your bed now." Shepard got up and straddled Kaidan's thighs, pushing him gently down and hovering over him. "Not mine. _Ours_. This cabin's _ours_ now... this is home for us. You hear me, EDI?"

EDI's synthesized voice came over the comm. "Yes, Shepard. I have flagged the Major for full access to the compartment. May I say that I am quite happy for the both of you. And that I would make an enthusiastic bridesmaid at any affirmational ceremony you may eventually elect to engage in."

Shepard looked up at the ceiling- everyone seemed to do that when they they were addressing EDI's disembodied presence. "Uh, thanks, EDI," he smiled sheepishly. He felt Kaidan squeeze his hips, approvingly.

"I have also referenced several sources, and I believe I would make an exceptional godmother, as well."

The corners of Shepard's mouth twitched downward and his eyebrows pinched up in the middle a bit. He looked back down at Kaidan, who was wearing a similar quizzical expression, head cocked slightly to one side. Surely... _surely_ EDI _knew_ that two men couldn't...

"That was a joke," EDI said flatly, before deactivating the intercom.

Shepard glanced back up at the ceiling, rolling his eyes. "Of course it was," he said dryly, and looked back down at Kaidan beneath him. The sentinel was giving him another of his come-hither looks.

"Well... as long as we're both thinking about how we can't make little... what did I hear Joker call them- Shenkos?"

Kaidan made a face. "'Shenkos?' _Really_?" he asked. Hadrian shook his head dismissively.

"Whatever, it the thought that counts. So. You want to give it another good old college try anyway? One more time- maybe two- before we focus on doing what needs doing?" Hadrian cracked a wicked, lopsided grin and reached for Kaidan's belt.

Alenko stretched his back a little and groaned contentedly, pressing his hips up against Hadrian's. "Stupid question. You know me. I _always_ want to try again for our babies."

-1.10

London FOB, the next day

-1.10

"Well... I should find the rest of my squad," Kaidan said, a bit sadly, half-turning away.

"Yeah," Shepard agreed, looking down the ruined London street.

This was supposed to be it. The major had reconnected with his biotic spec-ops unit- probably the safest place he could be under the circumstances- and Hammer was preparing for the last big push towards the Reaper destroyer, and beyond it the Citadel beam. This was supposed to be their "see you on the other side." But now that the moment was upon them, neither budged. Shepard blamed Kaidan- that embrace and that kiss, right there in front of everyone, and the promise to hold each other again. It had completely undermined all of Shepard's determination. It had summoned up new doubts, and smashed them, and with them perhaps some of the previous day's that he had convinced himself couldn't be ignored. Now... now none of his reasoning or his rationale for wanting to leave Kaidan behind seemed to make the same sense.

"Huh. Y'know, I've never been to London," Alenko said off-handedly.

They met again in a mutual furtive, sideways glance.

"You aren't moving, Commander."

Hadrian slowly turned back towards Kaidan. "No."

"Having second thoughts? Thought we talked about those?" Alenko asked.

"Second. Third. I know what I said about you being somewhere else, but... now that we're here..." Shepard took a step forward, closing the gap between them. He gripped the collar piece of the sentinel's armour and pulled him close.

"I don't _want_ to distract you, Hade. If it puts you in danger then you're right, I should be-"

"No... Y'know what? To hell with it. There's _nowhere_ else you should be. We started this together... we should finish it together. I know the risks. But this close to the end? I _do_ want you _with_ me." Shepard closed his eyes and the couple nuzzled their foreheads together; it was now undeniably one of 'their things.' "I'd be distracted no matter what. At least... at least if you're with me, I won't be wondering. I can keep an eye on you-"

"And _I_ can keep my eye on _you_," Kaidan interjected.

"-And _if_ anything _does_ happen, if they lay a fucking hand on you..." Shepard backed away just enough to give Alenko a smoldering gaze.

"You'll kill 'em. You're my killer, lover," Kaidan nodded.

Hadrian flashed a kind of smile. The smile of an apex predator in its glory. He slowly nodded back, released his grip on Alenko's collar, and pounded his fist back and forth between their chestplates.

"I'll _kill them all,_" he affirmed, meaning it.

"That's my boy," Kaidan smiled. "I'll be alright. Don't worry. And on the other side of this..." he leaned in close and lowered his voice, "we will shake your- _our-_ cabin _apart_." Hadrian growled approvingly. "We'll lock ourselves in for a week, with a crate full of juice and protein bars and 'party supplies,' and we... will... _wreck up_ the place. The things I'll do to you? And that I'm going to let you do to me?"

Shepard put his hand over Kaidan's mouth and gazed lustfully into his eyes. "Nnnhhh... not _here_," he said, half-demanding and half-pleading, shifting his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "I really don't have room to 'breathe' in all this armour as it is." Kaidan's eyes smiled at him. Looking around, he noticed an unattended Mako with its hatch open, and nodded toward it with a roguish lilt of his eyebrows. During one of their dirtier conversations Hadrian had owned up to wanting to have sex in a tank sometime, and glancing over at the fighting vehicle he immediately 'got' the implication. Something desperate in the ruins of a war zone... it had a certain appeal. But he smirked and shook his head. "One wrong move in there and we fuck the whole FOB," he grinned, relishing the double entendre. "I'd love to, but save it. For later. One more reason to get through this alive. But everybody's getting ready to move out- it's time to get to work." Hadrian leaned in and kissed the back of the hand he'd placed to silence his sentinel. "And you're with me, now, so we need to get prepped."

As the major walked over to delegate command of the biotic squad to his lieutenant, Hadrian reflected on his change of heart. From the moment they'd finally opened up to each other at that cafe 8 weeks ago, it was nuts to ever think he would do this without Kaidan. He was embarrassed that he'd ever contemplated otherwise. After the time they'd wasted in the beginning, and the two years of anguish Alenko had gone through after Shepard's 'death,' the months after Horizon, the agonizing few weeks between their escape from Earth to Mars and Kaidan's return following the coup attempt- they'd been separated too long to invite one more moment of it, now that they knew the alternative.

Whether it was today, or seventy years from now, the bond they had cemented at last... Hadrian knew that Kaidan would 'have his six' until the day he died.

-X

Fifteen minutes later, as they held out against the Reaper advance on the Thanix missile launchers, Kaidan watched Shepard fascinated and awe-struck as the man he loved fought the flood of enemies trying to overwhelm them. He'd have decribed it as violent poetry in motion, but somehow it seemed more fitting to put it in the words Hadrian might have- the vanguard fought _like a motherfucking force of nature._ He was virtually impossible to track as he flew across the battlefield, charging enemies in every quarter.

Kaidan would fire a few rounds down-range, reducing a marauder's shields, and Hadrian would be there, slamming into it and finishing it of with a shotgun blast in its pointy face. He'd hear a round zing past him from a cannibal approaching from behind, and Hadrian would be there, flying past and blowing it through a wall with a biotic uppercut. Kaidan would unleash an overload, stunning a pair of cannibals as they climbed over a barricade, and Hadrian would _be there_, throwing off the precious protection of his own barrier to finish them with a shockwave of force from his new 'nova' trick. And then he'd charge again. And again. And again. His only pauses were to re-load- the rest was a brutal efficiency of motion, no movement wasted.

And enemy 'heavies' fared no better. When a pair of brutes came crashing onto the battlefield, Vega harrowed one with his incendiary shotgun slugs, Kaidan biotically reaved the other, and Hadrian positioned himself like a mountain between the beasts and his team, charging the reaved one and staggering both with the explosions of dark energy, pumping shotgun blasts into one and then the other, rolling under their claw swipes. They were finished in less time than some forces took to bring down a single brute.

When a banshee arrived at the head of another force of marauders and cannibals and husks, the instant Kaidan took down her barrier with an electrical surge, Hadrian was there. The asari mutant died when he stunned it with his shotgun stock, shoved the barrel into her screeching mouth, and blew her head apart. By the time EDI signaled that she had re-calibrated the missiles and that the destroyer was in range, and Shepard thundered to the missile truck to launch the weapons at their last obstacle, Hadrian was _covered_ head-to-toe in the sickly blue and grey flesh of countless Reaper abominations. Not so much as a husk got within twenty feet of Alenko- Shepard's body and his bullets created a nearly perfect circle of protection.

And _that_ was when Kaidan knew: Hadrian would be _his Shepard_, relentless and true, until they were both dead.

-X

The Reaper destroyer was downed, and while more were reported to be inbound, for a moment the way to the Citadel beam was essentially clear. As they crested the hill of rubble overlooking the razed field of urban ruins, the rattle and pop of weapons fire near and distant wove through the thick, heavy atmosphere around them. The beam illuminated the crumbling city for miles, a throbbing thread of light ascending into the clouds. This was _it._ With everyone's eyes on his back, Hadrian took Kaidan's gloved hand in his and squeezed. In the two months they'd been together, it was actually- strangely- the first time he'd had the occasional to 'initiate' the gesture during their courtship. Kaidan had always reached out for his commander's hand first, it seemed. They looked deep into each other's eyes, urgently.

"Everyone makes for the beam!" Anderson shouted. "Nobody stops, and nobody turns back. Just keep moving and don't think twice!" He turned to face the rest of Hammer's remaining troops, but Shepard and Alenko were in their own spacetime.

"Stay close to me," Hadrian said.

Kaidan nodded. "You have to be tired. Watching you back there... my guy... my _wild,_ incredible, unstoppable man. They never even got close to me. I've never seen anything like it- I was in awe. You were just... amazing. Again. And if anyone can do this, you can." Then a warm smile crept onto his face. "Just... try to keep up, babe."

"I don't care what they say about no turning back- if anything happens to you, I'll be there. Know that I'll be coming for you."

Kaidan nodded. "I know," he said, "like you have every time before. Like I'll be there for you."

They kissed again. Kaidan put his helmet back on while Hadrian opted for just his comms headset. Though it was taking a big risk, this one time he wanted nothing between the battlefield and his eyes, between the air and his mouth and his lungs. They did one more comms check as a precaution.

"Love you," came Hadrian's voice over the helmet speaker.

"Love _you_," Kaidan answered.

"_I_ love you boys, too," piped in Garrus' voice, with an audible turian smile. "But Tali and I would like to get this over with and get back to the _Normandy_ every bit as much as the two of you want back and cross swords again, so... Shall we?" The three of them- and others could be heard over the channel, too- laughed. And then there was nothing more for it.

They set off running, with the rest of Hammer behind and all around them. A third of the way there, Kaidan heard it- that blast of dread reverberating from the descending Reaper. Harbinger. The ground rumbled as it landed. Towering over everything, with those glowing yellow eyes- and then rays of blinding hot negation began screaming from its body.

A gunship above them was hit, and fell stricken to the ground in a fireball, shuddering the earth. Hadrian stumbled briefly and Kaidan- slightly less taxed from the Thanix holdout- opened the gap between them.

Another blast cut through an armoured truck to Kaidan's right and debris from the explosion whizzed by him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Shepard fall another couple of steps behind as he leapt over an errant wheel from the wreck and shielded the eyes from flying droplets of molten metal.

Harbinger fired again and the beam tore a long gouge out of the ground to his left, throwing the corpses of several charging soldiers through the air. Peripherally aware of where Shepard was, Kaidan looked back for some assurance that he wasn't struck by the hurtling bodies.

Then he felt it.

A wave of heat arose at the side of his face. And he heard the crackle and snarl of another beam strike in front of him, but lower in its pitch- a time-dilated growl instead of a roar. At the same time, his backward cast eyes met Hadrian's and he saw a horrified expression on the vanguard's face. It could only mean...

There was sadness. Heartbreak, that he'd never see Hadrian again. He'd really hoped to see what could become of them if they'd had more time. But then there was peace- at least Hadrian's face would be the last thing he saw, even if it was that look of pain. No, not pain- now it was something else... resolve? Determination. _Absolute certainty_.

He heard Shepard's voice in his ear, immediate, and low, like the pronouncement of an intervening higher power. "_No._"

And then he felt something else: the tingle of hairs on his skin, weightless in a corridor of reduced mass that reached out to him. It felt almost electric- the static-like cling like their naked bodies pressing together- sweaty and humming in the afterglow.

And then Hadrian _exploded_ toward him in a blur. Kaidan heard a sonic boom. No, wrong again- he didn't hear it- he _felt_ it. It was like a crack of thunder- in an instant he was a child again, trembling as a clap directly overhead shook the roof of his parents' Vancouver home- and then there was blunt, crushing pain. Pain and disorientation, and vertigo. He was spinning, tumbling through the air. He remembered being a child, and his dad throwing his miniature body gently up and then catching him.

When he landed, twenty feet to the side of the scorched track of Harbinger's strike, the wind was battered out of him. He felt the ground quaking and yawning, and heard screams as he blacked out for... a few seconds? Several minutes?

When the fog lifted and he regained consciousness, his entire left side ached like he'd been hit by a wrecking ball. He tried to take a breath and his chest burned from at least a couple of broken ribs. The armour was smashed off of his left shoulder, which hung ajar at his side- not only dislocated, but unsupported- a broken collarbone, too? The visor of his helmet was cracked, obscuring his vision, and the internal HUD was projecting static and error messages. The air creeping in through the crack carried the barbeque smell of seared meat from the battlefield, and he grew nauseated. His wrist felt broken. His ears were ringing. Something felt pulled in his lower back, in his hip, in his neck. His teeth ached, and he tasted blood. The beating he'd taken on Mars felt like rough play by comparison.

It was a day of firsts. First time to London. First time Hadrian had taken _his_ hand instead of vice-versa. And now, the first time he'd been hit by a biotic charge. So this was what people talked about- the ones who survived, at any rate. No wonder so few of Hadrian's targets ever got up from this- and he could tell that he'd one taken a deliberately _glancing_ hit. As he tried to pull himself to his feet, the blinding hot pain of a broken femur made him scream.

Gasping for breath, he gradually became aware of garbled voices crackling through his helmet's comms as they cut in and out.

"Did anyone make it to the beam?"

That English major's voice replied. "Negative, our entire force was decimated!"

Looking despairingly toward the beam, Kaidan saw Harbinger lurch and launch itself back into the sky. He was still a long way from the beam, and he couldn't see any movement except the half-dead between him and the humming pillar of light, crawling or writhing until they slumped to the ground and joined the fallen.

"W-wait," he groaned, "this is Alenko- can anyone hear me?" He started to try again to stand. "I'm still active, I- ghaauurrgh!"

"Major?" It was Hackett's voice. "Alenko, where are you? Can you make it to the objective?"

Kaidan laid back on the slab of fallen wall where he'd landed, gritting his teeth in pain and shaking his head, frustrated. "No, Sir, I'm alive but I- I'm incapacitated..." He wheezed through the pain in his chest, feeling sick with helplessness- impotent . "I can't make it, Admiral, I'm sorry. What about Shepard? I can't see Shepard anywhere, have you- do you have a status on Hadrian?"

"Major! Report! Can you reach the beam?" Hackett pressed.

"Urrrgh!" Frustrated, Kaidan banged the back of his helmet against the concrete slab underneath him. The radio crackled to life again. "Admiral this is Alenko, do you read me now? I'm down. I- I survived. Because of..." His voice caught up on the rest, and he swallowed the lump in his throat. "I _survived_, but I can't advance. _Do you know if Shepard is okay_?"

"Your transceiver has to be damaged, Major, your signal keeps breaking up but I copy your last message. Stay put, we're ordering in a recovery bird to evacuate you and any other injured personnel we can find."

"Aye aye, Sir... but please- _please_ Admiral- do you have any eyes on- or any communication from Shepard?" He clutched his throbbing side. There was a long pause, and his eyes started to well up with tears- sorrow and frustration and fury- as he sucked in a laboured breath to ask again. But then Hackett's voice crackled back.

"No, Major. We have nothing on Shepard. I'm sorry. But all communications are a mess right now, it might just be that we can't raise him."

Kaidan shook his head and clenched his fists, heart sinking. He looked back toward the beam, hoping against hope to spot Hadrian. If his own radio had been fucked by the near-miss, surely Shepard's was damaged too. He had to believe there was another reason they had no contact from him, he couldn't be... he couldn't. During his biotic charges nothing had ever been able to hurt him- his barriers surged of the charts. He was untouchable.

"I copy, Admiral..." he said, choking up. "Waiting for extraction." After a moment he muttered "I'm not going anywhere." The seconds dragged by, one into the next, and Kaidan stared towards the beam hoping to see _something_. Some answer to his prayers. He tested his leg one more time but the shock of pain it sent searing through his entire body reduced him to another anguished cry and tears that he couldn't even wipe away inside his helmet.

"Major! That you?"

Kaidan sniffled and looked toward the voice that had called out to him. It was Vega, limping toward him with a hideous chunk of shrapnel sticking out of his thigh. "Yeah, James, I'm here. Evac transport is on its way- are you...?"

"Dizzy, Major... I think I... I don't think my armour's medical system's working." Vega staggered the last few steps forward and dropped to his chest at Kaidan's side. "I- I'm sorry, Sir, I don't think I can..."

"No," Alenko said, sympathetically, putting a hand- the one that didn't aggravate his broken ribs- on Vega's shoulder. "Neither can I, Vega. I wish I could, b-but my leg is broken. Have you... have you seen Shepard?" James groaned and shook his head wearily.

"I was a fair bit behind Shepard and all I saw was him charging you, slamming you out of the way of that Reaper blast, but... the charge carried him straight into it, Sir," he slurred. "To deflect you he... he took it dead on. I don't see how he could possibly have..." The two laid silently for a long moment. "I'm sorry... He must have-"

"Yeah," Kaidan said, squeezing his eyes shut and struggling not to break down. "Yeah, he must be-"

Vega interrupted. "No, Sir, I was going to say... To do that... He must have _really_... you know." He sighed wearily. "Aw fuck, I'm tired."

"Stay with me, Lieutenant," Kaidan ordered. "They'll be here for us any second now, we just have to hold on. We have to... just, hold on." Their mutual disappointment hung heavily in the air between them a moment. "Hey, James?"

"Yeah, Major?" Vega was audibly teetering on the edge of consciousness.

"Thank you."

"Yeah, Major. I really am sorry. It... it was pretty awesome to see, though, to tell you... the... to..." James' voice faded away, and Kaidan rocked his unconscious body gently by the shoulder.

"Hang in there, Lieutenant. Help's on the way."

Kaidan looked back to the beam, and to the gash in the ground where he'd been running toward it. Where Hadrian had hurtled him out of Death's jaws. It was all darkness and grey light and smoke, and Kaidan started to feel the image- the feeling of it- seeping into him, under his skin, laying claim to a part of him. It was _all_ becoming dark, and grey, and smoke.

Then there was the sound of engines. Alenko looked skyward and saw a Kodiak shuttle swooping in, braking hard. His radio crackled to life again.

"Major? It's Cortez, I'm inbound. Got a new ride, but we have to move!"

"Nnnghhh. Why, Cortez, what's the situation?" Kaidan shook Vega again, harder. He'd need James' help to get on the shuttle.

"It's the _Normandy_, Sir. My instructions are to get you back there to re-group, but she's picked up a destroyer tail. Joker's doing his best to evade, but the Reaper seems determined- we have a _very_ narrow window to rendez-vous! Get ready!"

"James! Wake up!" Kaidan ordered, urgently. Vega roused.

"Ughhh... Major? Are we-?"

"_Your_ boyfriend's here now, Lieutenant, come on, I'll need your help to get aboard. We're going home but we have to double-time it!"

Vega grunted and groaned- "huh, boyfriend _my ass,_" he chuckled through the pain as he mustered all of his formidable strength- blood loss notwithstanding- and forced himself up. He took Kaidan under the shoulder, eliciting a long yell of pain from the sentinel, and pulled him to his feet as well. Dirt and smoke started swirling around them as the Kodiak descended, doors already open, and set down mere feet from them. EDI's infiltrator body was in the back, covered in dust and soot, her armoured frame badly scuffed with evident stress fractures. She must have been through some kind of hell since they'd last seen each other at the FOB.

"Get aboard!" Steve shouted from the cockpit. "I'm co-ordinating with Joker for pickup but it's getting hairy topside! Hairi_er_"

Moaning, Vega helped a yelping Kaidan up the step on to the shuttle where EDI offered him a hand. Shaking with pain and tension, Kaidan looked one last time toward the Reapers' Citadel beam. And in the distance, he saw...? A speck? A person? Muzzle flash. _Something_, some form moving, silhouetted against the pillar of light.

_If anyone can do this, you can_.

"Wait!" he shouted, "do you see that?" He started to lean back, but with the last of his strength Vega pushed him from behind as he flopped inside himself, and Cortez pitched the shuttle to one side, rolling all three of them more securely inside. EDI pulled Vega the final inches toward one of the attachment points in the floor, fastening his armour to hold him in place as the bird started its frantic ascent, Cortez closing the hatch from his control panel.

"Hang on!" the pilot instructed.

"Wait, Steve, _please!_ I saw-"

"There's _no time,_ Sir!" Cortez snapped. And they were aloft, racing for the upper atmosphere to meet _Normandy_.

Kaidan laid on his stomach, panting, his mind racing. His heart pounded impossibly hard as EDI knelt beside him and buckled his armour to another harness attachment point to keep him from being tossed about the cabin.

"Shepard?" he whispered into his helmet. "Shepard, if you're there, please... God, please be safe. Come back to us. You promised me. You _promised._"

The rest of the flight was eerily, agonizingly silent except for the rocking of the shuttle as they flew through turbulence and evaded enemy fire, until Cortez announced that the docking maneuver he'd plotted with Joker was going to be rough.

"It's the best we've got," he warned, "so... cross your fingers, guys. And brace for- uh- possible collision and death." The injection of dark humour helped slightly, but the tension was palpable for the next fifteen seconds... and then there was a whine from the engines, and a jarring impact. The two pilots had pulled it off- mostly- matching course and velocity precisely long enough for _Normandy_ to scoop up the shuttle. It was the seconds after that that were less smooth. The Kodiak lurched sickeningly, bouncing Kaidan off the floor and causing another mind-numbing flash of agony from his leg and his ribs, but then he felt the embrace of _Normandy's_ artificial gravity again. But she was _dancing_. Joker was pushing her at the very edge of her envelope, and Kaidan could immediately feel the inertia dampers straining to keep them all from being smashed into paste against the bulkheads.

"We're aboard and we're alive!" Cortez reported. "What's your status, Joker?"

Moreau's hectic voice came back through the comm system. "Our friend flagged down a couple of his buddies to try and kick our ass- I'm guessing it said 'uh, hey guys, isn't that that Shepard guy's piece of crap ship? Well uh why don't we fuck _that_ up?' So my status is _busy_, leave me the fuck alone!"

"Please excuse Jeff," EDI enjoined, finally cracking the seal on Kaidan's damaged helmet and removing it, "we are now engaged in evasive maneuvers against _three_ Reaper destroyers that are coordinating their attacks. He is under a great deal of stress. We are weighing a possible relay jump out of the system to try and lose our pursuers."

"You're _leaving the system?_" Kaidan snapped in disbelief. He knew the situation was desperate, and he knew Joker wasn't stupid, but it was a stretch to imagine Moreau running from _this_ fight, _of all_ fights.

"We are _considering_ it as an _option_, as our tactical alternatives deteriorate, Major," EDI clarified. "Flight from the system would break contact with the destroyers, and we _could_ immediately back-track to re-join the fleet. Though I am uncertain of the usefulness of returning- given the ground force's apparent failure to access the Citadel. The fleet is attempting to regroup and weighing the possibility of a withdrawal to re-strategize, but as a strictly conventional battle-"

"I don't need the editorializing, EDI. Why were we brought back here, specifically, anyway?"

The shuttle's hatch groaned and whirred open sluggishly, and Doctor Chakwas stepped aboard the shuttle, looking down at Kaidan on the floor and booting up her omnitool to run a triage scan of him and Vega. "Lay still, Major, I'm seeing some _very_ nasty injuries and we don't want to aggravate them," she said. Another crewman appeared with a med-kit and started assisting by stabilizing Vega.

"The fleet is in some disarray," EDI explained, "Hammer's inability to open the Citadel and interface the Crucible has left Admiral Hackett in the position of attempting to win a conventional battle, and he is trying to adapt his strategy accordingly. He requested that the Normandy's crew return to the ship, in the event that defeat should appear imminent. Presumably with the intent of ordering us to advance-scout the fleet's fallback position to assess options, or deploying us on some failure-mitigation mission. If you will excuse me, Major, my combat chassis can be more useful on the command deck."

With that, EDI- EDI's body, anyway- left the shuttle. Cortez followed to evaluate the Kodiak from the outside, and Kaidan looked questioningly at Karin. "So does that mean the rest of them are back aboard, too? Garrus? Liara? Tali?"

"No," Chakwas answered tightly. "Last I heard they were all still alive down on Earth, but scattered across the theater. Steve couldn't retreive everyone, he was only able to pick up EDI from the FOB after it took a hit, and then you and James, before he had no choice but to return to the ship or risk not getting back at all." So in other words, it was all falling apart. The plan had broken down with their failure to reach the Citadel, and now everything was going to shit. It was worlds apart from the hope he'd told Shepard he had given everyone. It seemed that without him... but Kaidan could _swear_ he'd seen _something_ in that moment before dustoff.

_If anyone can do this, you can_.

"I need to get you and James to the medical bay for proper attention, Major. Let me give you something for the pain."

"I'll go the the MedBay, Doctor, but hold off on the drugs. P-please! I can handle it for now- as long as I don't have to walk there myself- but I- I need to be clear-headed, I need to stay aware of what's going on." Chakwas shook her head and clicked her tongue, exasperated.

"Very well, Kaidan. I'll see that you're able to monitor the situation once we're there, if you give me your word that you won't be trying to get up and leave before you're stabilized!" Kaidan nodded reluctantly, and did what little he could to help a couple of crewman load him on to a stretcher for transport to the crew deck.

As he was carried out of the shuttle he saw Steve using an extinguisher to put out a spot fire on the cargo bay floor, and felt the ship continuing to strain under Joker's extreme maneuvers. "How are we doing, EDI?" he asked aloud. Her voice piped in over the intercom.

"We have lost one of the destroyers and managed to damage another, but the third is still pursuing aggressively, and several oculus drones are complementing its attack, attempting to corral us into an optimal firing solution for it. We have fighters supporting us, trying to screen the drones, but Jeff is concerned that they may impede his ability to maneuver as much as they help." As if to punctuate, there was a twist of vertigo during the elevator ride up as _Normandy_ executed a tight spin.

Halfway between the elevator and MedBay the ship shuddered from some kind of impact, and the crewman carrying the foot of Kaidan's stretcher stumbled, jostling him in place. He gasped in pain, but sucked it up lest Karin sedate him after all. As he was lifted on to one of the medical beds and a medic started undoing the buckles on his armour to remove it, Private Westmoreland appeared at his side and gently placed a comm headset in his ear so he could monitor the internal radios in the cockpit and on the bridge, and the priority external comm channels.

"Did he say Shepard was aboard the Citadel after all?" he heard Joker ask.

"The Admiral said he's made contact and that he was calling in the Crucible in anticipation that the Commander would have the Citadel open imminently," EDI replied. Kaidan started to snap upward in surprise.

"What!" he said. But there was no word of acknowledgment, the earpiece was only configured to passively listen in. Chakwas gave him an irritated look.

"Lay _still_, Major," she insisted. "Whatever it is, there's nothing you can do about it anyway!"

"I need more coolant flow to the thermal exhaust system," he heard Adams saying in Engineering. "And keep an eye on that electrical charge, Joker is running the core hard!" Ken and Gabby were working frantically to keep up.

"Crucible has arrived in-system," came Hackett's voice. "It's en route to the Citadel, keep up the pressure on the Reapers. Shield fleet will do everything it can to get the Crucible into position safely, but Sword can't afford to let up now!"

"We're going to have to switch to torpedoes soon, the Thanix cannons' tanks are nearly depleted," reported a crewman who'd taken Garrus' place in the main battery control. "Unless we start doing a little less jabbing and a little more bobbing and weaving!"

"I'll pass it along," Traynor replied, "but I don't think Joker intends to slow down any time soon."

"It's opening!" The voice was strange, but vaguely familiar. "Thank God, Hade did it, the Citadel is opening!" 'Hade.' The only other person Kaidan knew of who used that diminutive was the one Hadrian told him used it first: his mother, Hannah Shepard. Her carrier's signal must have been on the priority channel. They hadn't met, but he was glad to hear she was still alive.

"Crucible is five minutes out! Keep the heat on!" Hackett rejoined, with something unmistakable in his voice. It was hesitant, but it was hope.

"SHIT!" Joker snapped, and in the same moment _Normandy_ lurched to one side. "_That_ is no fuckin' destroyer!"

"I am trying to disrupt the dreadnought's targeting runtimes, but with the volume of radio traffic there is very little bandwidth spectrum left for me to run cyber-warfare signal operations," EDI said. "I don't think we have any choice, Jeff. At top speed we can reach the relay, leave the system, and be back from Arcturus in less than ten minutes, but if we remain engaged-"

"I know, I _know_," Joker snapped, frustrated. "Believe me, I want to get away from these assholes, but..."

"If you believe you can continue to evade I will redouble my efforts."

"No," Moreau sighed, and Kaidan felt _Normandy_ twist, turn, and accelerate as hard as the engines could push. "No, you're right, we've gotta' go, I just... I just really wanted to see what the Crucible was gonna' do. And now I feel like we're gonna miss it."

"Come on..." Kaidan pleaded under his breath. _If anyone can do this, you can_. He was so focused, he was only peripherally aware of Chakwas saying something in an apologetic tone, and then there was a sickening flare of pain as one of the medics pulled his shoulder back into joint, stressing the fracture in his clavicle and his ribs. "Aaaowww!" he screamed in shock, thumping his head back against the pillow. The earpiece fell out. "Shit!"

He wanted to plead with someone to replace the headset, but the pain of his shoulder and his ribs was incandescent, debilitating. Suddenly every nerve in his body was screaming, and despite his assertion that he could handle it, the pain was starting to make him writhe on the bed as Karin tried to treat him. "Major, I need to you keep still. Major? It's no good- prepare two cee-cee's of Andropaxazine."

"Aaarrrghhh! Nnnuh- no, I need- I-" Kaidan tried to roll onto his side to reach for the comm set off the floor, but the medic held him down to the bed. He felt a transdermal patch pressed to his neck, and in an instant he started to feel a tingle and a haze spreading throughout his body. Everything started to go loose, and warm, and muted.

As everything dissolved into a grey fog, he felt the rubber nub inserted gently back into his ear. From far away, he heard Joker say something... he vaguely perceived a tone of alarm. Then there was a shudder and a groan from the ship. And then there was darkness.

And dreams.

-X

Kaidan and Hadrian laid sprawled and intertwined on the captain's cabin bed, glazed in sweat, with Alenko's head on Shepard's stomach. Kaidan brushed his fingers slowly around the commander's pubic hair as Shepard's hand played gently through his hair.

"You know... when all this is over... it might sound crazy- I mean, I know we've only _actually_ spent a few months together all told, but... I think I want to put some kind of ring on your finger," Hade said, pensively.

Kaidan looked up Shepard's chest with bedroom eyes. "It doesn't sound crazy. It sounds perfect to me," he smiled.

"Yeah? I just haven't felt... _this_... in a long time. Maybe never, before now. I've dated, I've screwed around, but I'm not sure I've ever..."

"It _sounds_... perfect," Kaidan repeated, earnestly. "I want the whole galaxy to know." His head bobbed as Shepard's stomach clenched with a laugh.

"We could make a video and put it on the extranet," he joked.

"If we sold it we could probably retire from all this weirdness. But it might hurt our chances of... um... adopting kids?"

"Well I don't see how else we're going to have kids, since you seem to be barren." They both laughed, longer and harder. Kaidan turned his head again and looked squarely at Hadrian's flaccid member just a couple inches away from his face, and saw it twitch at the thought of them 'trying again.' "And my mom would never forgive me if I didn't give her some grandkids to dote on, one way or another."

"Where do you want to...?"

"Right here," Shepard said, sounding certain. "Not this ship, I mean. Not specifically, though the _Normandy's_ as good a _place_ as any. But I mean right _here_, with you. Wherever we are, that'll be home. Like a turtle, y'know? As long as you're on my back..." They laughed again, contentedly.

"I'd love to retire to my parents' vineyard, eventually. When we're too old and beat up to save the galaxy anymore. Just laze around the interior and drink wine and..."

"We're gonna' have it all." Hadrian squeezed a handful of Kaidan's hair gently, and Alenko rolled his head again to look up into Shepard's eyes. "All of it. I dare anybody to try and keep it from us. To try and get between you and me. I'll make the fuckers wish they'd never been born."

"But you're going to die." It wasn't what he wanted to say. It wasn't what he remembered saying. But it came out of his mouth, and he felt a sad, heartbroken lump start to form in his throat. The warmth of Shepard's stomach on the side of Kaidan's face suddenly seemed hotter, like he might burst into flames. Hot like impending death under Harbinger's fire.

"I've died before. I'll _always_ find my way back to you. Whether it's cybernetics or reincarnation, whether I'm some ghost that haunts the halls of this ship, or whether I have to _possess_ some poor bastard to hold you again. I know I'm supposed to give up my 'attachments,' but... I'm not ready to give you up. They can burn me down to embers- you're the oxygen that'll re-ignite me."

"Wait... this isn't how I remember that night," Kaidan said, brow furrowing with confusion. He felt tears starting to run down his face, but he hadn't felt them forming in his eyes.

"It's alright," Hadrian shushed him. "When you see me again, it'll be like you remember. We'll pick up right where we left off. And I'll make you my husband. We'll be dads together. And we'll drink wine. It'll be everything we deser-"

Kaidan awoke with a start. His face was wet with tears and his whole body ached. The only lights were the medical diagnostic display on the panel beside his bed, and a dim lamp on the MedBay desk that cast shadows across Cortez's face where he sat slouching, asleep, in Chakwas' chair, sitting vigil. The ship was asleep, still recovering from their collective trauma.

A sensor in the patient care system must have detected a spike in his heart rate or his respiration or something, because it beeped and began to administer a new dose of tranquilizers to keep him still. As Kaidan started to doze off again he had mixed feelings- dread that he'd be haunted by more dreams, but also a longing for more of them. At least there, he was back with Hadrian instead of busted up and alone in a medical bed.


	3. Part 2 Interregnum

-2.1

_SSV Normandy_, 12 days later

-2.1

Kaidan awoke very gradually to a dim pillar of light shining down on him. He let out a low, exhausted groan as awareness of the dull, throbbing pain in his leg, his side, his shoulder and his back returned. Looking slowly to his right, he saw Doctor Chakwas sitting at her desk. The whole medical bay was a mess, and he noticed some structural damage, but apparently they were still alive.

"Karin?" His throat felt dry, and his voice was hoarse. Chakwas looked up at him, rose to her feet with a relieved expression on her face, and stepped over to Kaidan's bedside.

"How are you feeling, Major?"

"Like hell," Alenko slurred, wincing. He visually surveyed himself and saw that much of his left side was bandaged with medical elastape. There was a strong herbal, menthol smell of medigel. "How long was I out?"

"I'm sorry, Major, but for the sake of your recovery I _had_ to keep you sedated, I couldn't risk you aggravating your injuries by trying to get out of bed prematurely, or even moving around too much..."

"Just tell me, Karin."

"Almost two weeks... I'm sorry, but it really _was_ necessary. And... well, frankly, you haven't been missing much." The lights dimmed momentarily before coming back up, and Kaidan realized they had done so a few times already in the last minute.

"Two weeks? God... So... What happened? Did it work? Did we win?" Chakwas sighed and shook her head ambiguously.

"It's... complicated, Kaidan." She crossed her arms, concerned and restrained. "I couldn't tell you for certain _what's_ happened, none of us is a hundred percent sure. But as far as we can tell, it's over. And we seem to have won. I- I should really let you be debriefed officially by Admiral Hackett, once you're back on your feet. We have communication with him, so at least there's that."

"Communication? But not... what? Are we not back at Earth yet?"

"Just... rest, Kaidan. When you're well enough we'll get you in touch with him and he can explain things. Be patient, we aren't going anywhere for the moment." As he laid back and tried to quiet his mind to doze off again, Kaidan grimly noticed the silence in the ship. No engine noise. None whatsoever- not even the _Normandy's_ normally quiet hum. Just before he closed his eyes, the light above dimmed and brightened again.

-X

Three days later, with Chakwas' approval, EDI's infiltrator body arrived in the MedBay to go with Kaidan to the communications center. As soon as he set foot outside the infirmary he found most of the crew- including Traynor, Vega on a single crutch, Joker and Cortez- assembled in waiting. At the sight of him emerging, they offered up a congratulatory cacophony of applause and cheers. He smiled humbly, touched by their jubilation at his recovery, and after a moment put up a hand to settle them down.

"Thanks, everyone," he said, surveying their expectant faces. "Thank all of you for everything you did. It's... ah... it's good to be alive, and good to see that you're all okay. I'm just on my way up to talk to Admiral Hackett to get filled in on everything I've missed, so... no spoilers. But if I come back knowing anything you don't, I'll let you all know where we stand. Until then, carry on. I see some tidying up that could use doing, I'm surprised that in two weeks the commander hasn't already cracked the whip." He smiled slightly as they dispersed, but their looks when he mentioned Shepard had that 'shit, he doesn't know' quality to them. Just the fact that Hadrian wasn't there to see him... but there had to be an explanation. If he'd survived Harbinger's blast somehow, surely he _had_ to have made it through _whatever_ had happened next. The brass _must_ have had him insanely busy.

But once the crew grew quiet and returned to their work, Kaidan quickly became certain that something was seriously wrong. The silence of the hallways and ship was eerie. There was considerable structural buckling on the deck's port side, and the lights were still dimming periodically. Even the air smelled... abnormally fresh. "So," he opened anxiously, turning to EDI and gingerly starting toward the elevator, "if it's finally question-and-answer day, why don't we start with 'where are we?' Not in space, clearly."

"Technically any location we could possibly occupy must necessarily be 'in space,' Major. But assuming you meant 'in flight,' yes, _Normandy_ has crash-landed on an unidentified planet. The hull was breached, but the atmosphere is breathable and based on cursory surveys of the local area the surface seems habitable."

When they arrived at the lift the doors were fixed open, and EDI indicated that they would have to climb the spiraling stairs that had been deployed around the periphery of the shaft.

"Is anything working right?" Kaidan asked, limping up the steps with EDI behind him. Observing Kaidan's difficulty, EDI offered her arm and he leaned on her for the walk. It was strange, but with his hand on her shoulder he felt... something unfalsifiably _human_ in her. Genuine compassion, not just heuristic preference or programmed care for him as a subset of her commitment to the _Normandy_. In her touch he _felt_ that she was relating to the pain he was in, and wanted to help. But how was that possible, EDI didn't truly know 'pain,' did she?

"The QEC has a redundant, independent power supply, and the self-contained nature of the system means it remains fully functional. However all primary, secondary and tertiary systems were severely compromised in the landing."

"What about... uh... 'you?' The hardware in the ship that remote-controls that body? That must have made off well enough?" Alenko asked, looking EDI's avatar up and down. There was still visible damage in her 'skin,' and her movements were less fluid than normal.

"In anticipation of possible damage from the crash, I secured my primary infrastructure and isolated a truncated version of my basic heuristic programming in my body's hardware."

"So you uploaded a parsed-down copy of your personality, to use it like a lifeboat?" Kaidan had wondered ever since EDI assumed control over the captured Cerberus gynoid whether it was actually possible for it to operate independent of an uplink to the ship's AI core.

"That is an an apt enough metaphor."

"And... ? How- uh- do you feel?"

"It is quite novel. My functionality is significantly reduced. I cannot say that my preference would be to continue operating in this state indefinitely. Unfortunately, I am reluctant to unlock my primary core's systems until I have completed a thorough diagnostic examination for damage, but the restricted software suite I compressed into my chassis is... less than optimal to that task." She actually sounded perturbed, and Kaidan wasn't sure whether he was more or less concerned that a perturbed AI was limited to the body EDI was apparently 'stuck' in. Stranger still, as they walked he found it easier and easier to imagine what the sensation was like for her- a feeling of cognitive faculties locked away, remembered but out of reach. Senility almost. He found he felt sad for her plight.

"So then, we're permanently grounded? Where- where are we? And how did we get here? Or have you been able to figure that out given your... ah... 'restricted software suite?'"

"Please, Major, my higher-level functions are curtailed but astrometric locational analysis is simple math."

"Of course it is," Kaidan said, with only a hint of sarcasm.

"To answer your question, our location is in the Xi Bootis system, twenty-one point eight six light-years from Earth."

"Xi Bootis?" Alenko grimaced- part confusion, part discomfort as he stepped onto the command deck behind the darkened star map console. "Sorry, I don't know the whole network, but I thought the closest mass relay to Sol was Arcturus."

"That was our understanding. However that information is not necessarily wrong- we did not arrive in the system through a normal mass relay transit. We were en route _to_ Arcturus, executing the evasive jump I advised you of upon our return to the ship."

She supported him tenderly as they walked through the CIC and security screening- which was unattended- and past the conference room to the War Room, which was conspicuously empty. Only the central lighting was on, the other displays were unmanned and shut down.

"So... what are we looking at," he wondered aloud, looking around the now glorified state-of-the-art cave, "the worst case of relay drift ever?"

"I believe it was more likely that a disruption of the mass relay itself degraded and ultimately collapsed the corridor of zero-mass space _while_ we were transiting it. Sensors detected intense gravitational shear and a steep baryonic gradient just prior to engine failure, all consistent with recorded events of ships losing propulsion mid relay jump and experiencing catastrophic deceleration. It was these extreme forces that I suspect forced us down. However it may be best if I left the rest to Admiral Hackett," EDI replied, and picked up and unfolded a collapsible chair that she placed in front of the quantum entanglement communicator terminal. Kaidan grimaced as he took his seat, and EDI backed out of the room as he pushed the button to open the waiting line to Hackett. The projector array snapped and crackled to life, and a softly glowing blue hologram of the Admiral sharpened into focus.

"Major Alenko," he nodded. "How are you feeling?" Kaidan carefully saluted with his good arm.

"Recovering, Admiral, thank you. I'm glad to see you made it through the battle- I heard we... well, I heard we apparently maybe sort of won?" Hackett made a tight 'maybe sort of' smile and nodded thoughtfully.

"It's an apt way of putting it, I suppose. The Citadel opened, the Crucible docked, and a couple minutes later it discharged some kind of energy pulse. Then the Reapers up and left. All their ground forces stopped fighting- stopped everything, really- and were picked off with ease, while the Reaper ships themselves just broke off on every single front that we've heard from and flew away. There hasn't been a sighting since." Hackett shook his head with incredulity. "It was the damnedest thing, and certainly not the way I expected the war to end."

"So they bugged out? And... so everyone is alright, then? I mean, everyone who wasn't a casualty during the fight?" He couldn't help but stress the last part, the real question as plain as day. Shepard had made it to the Citadel, and opened it, and done _something_. Surely there had to be more.

"Well... their disengagement wasn't the _only_ result of the Crucible firing, Major... It seems that the energy pulse interacted with... well, all of their technology. When the pulse hit the Charon relay, it fired something off to Arcturus, and from there we can only infer that it propagated across the entire network because the same thing happened everywhere that we know of. The mass relays were written off, Major. No Arahtot-like supernova-scale explosions, that blast must have had something to do with _how_ the relay was demolished. But whatever they did seemed to take everything out of them. They did their thing, shut down, and deteriorated."

The relays destroyed? Kaidan blinked, feeling stunned. The implications were... "The whole network is gone? So... so, what, galactic civilization is... what? Over? Done?" Then something dark and terrible dawned on him. Virgil on Ilos, explaining the Reapers' master strategem years ago. All the mass relays? But, the Citadel itself was... "Admiral... Wh-" Kaidan stumbled over the words, a sick knot in his gut. "What about the Citadel? What about Shepard?"

Hackett looked down and to the side. He'd had to know the question was coming, but apparently he hadn't managed to completely steel himself for answering it.

"I'm sorry, Maj- ... Kaidan. You have no idea how sorry I am, son. But the same thing happened to the Citadel as happened to all the other mass relays."

"Y- you're sure, Sir? That there's no way he could have maybe...?" Kaidan's eyes were welling up with stinging tears and his chest was feeling tighter, constricted. He gripped the edge of his seat, trying to steady himself as the room started to feel like it was spinning.

"The central ring exploded, son. The wards broke up. Much of the wreckage burned up as it fell into Earth's atmosphere- which caused substantial damage in itself- and the rest was blown away from the planet... The fleet was able to rescue a few thousand survivors from sealed, self-contained sections of the structure. But Shepard, and most of the thirteen million other souls aboard the Citadel, went down with it. I wish like hell it weren't so... and I know it's not what you want to hear. I know how hard it has to be for you. It's been hard for all of us. But... he got the job done, Kaidan. He went out a hero. And the whole galaxy- at least everywhere we can talk to via QECs- knows it. For what that's worth." Kaidan's hand raised to cover his mouth, then slid up to shield his eyes, embarrassed. Visibly uncomfortable, Hackett paused to give him a moment. Alenko sat slumped over in the chair, breathing deeply between sniffles, tears running down his face. After several painful, quiet minutes, Kaidan wiped his flushed face and tried to collect himself.

"Right. So... Shepard's gone. The Citadel and the mass relays are gone. If you could, Sir... what's _left_?"

"What's left, Major, is everything else. Earth. Palaven. Thessia and Sur'Kesh. Rannoch. Tuchunka, as far as we know. Colonies all across the galaxy. Everywhere that there's a geth presence we have rudimentary communication via their FTL networked consciousness, and they're reporting _hundreds of billions_ of lives saved, son. They're struggling, they're cut off from each other... they've been separated, and it's heart-wrenching, but they're alive. And there's the fleet, much of which survived, though their being stranded in the Solar system is raising some challenges. We've allowed the crews of all those ships to set down in camps planetside while they figure out what they want to do next. At conventional FTL they're all decades from their homes, at least. That might not be a big deal to long-lived species- say- the asari or the krogan, if they don't mind a long flight back. But the salarians? The turians? Or the volus, or elcor? Shepard even netted the remaining batarian forces in the galaxy into joining the attack, and now they're stranded in the home system of people they've considered enemies for as long as we've known them."

"So we've got- what- a couple hundred thousand refugees from the allied fleets all trying to get along on or around Earth, with no more common enemy to fight? That sounds kind of volatile, doesn't it?" He pictured a quick, ugly dissolution of the alliance in fighting over the remaining resource on the planet below.

"We feared the worst when we realized the boat we were in, but we're benefiting hugely from the groundwork Shepard and the crew of the _Normandy_ did leading up to the counterattack. Having the quarians' liveships, and their fleet crewed by only essential personnel after most of the non-essential civilians debarked for settlement on Rannoch, means that the dietary needs of them and the turians are taken care of in the near term, which was a concern initially. So the turians are a stabilizing influence. Though frankly, nobody seems to be in any hurry to start anything. Frankly, it's downright _strange_ how little of the anticipated tension we're observing. Everyone just seems to have an easy time talking to each other, like they understand what everyone's going through. Whether it's a lasting sense of comraderie from the fight, who knows, but so far _everyone_ is getting along... abnormally well."

"What about the krogan? We brought in a lot of krogan infantry who are known for being territorial- how are they settling in?"

"The krogan too. I've never seen them so co-operative. We were mulling over all kinds of scenarios early on, but it's just... calm. I'd be a lot more worried about them if they had any of their females with them," Hackett said, a bit of relief clearly showing. "With the genophage cured, I wouldn't feel great about them getting stir-crazy and starting to fight among themselves in our refugee camps over breeding rights. We were ready to start a massive morale campaign to pacify them by reminding them that they _have_ something to live for again, if they take the long view and consider hitching a ride towards Tuchunka if the asari head out in that direction for Thessia. But it hasn't even come to that.

"What's more, it actually helps us a _lot_ back here that your crewmates- in particular Vakarian, T'soni and Samara, Tali, and Wrex and Grunt- have so much pull with their respective peoples in the first place, and then that they got stuck here when you were evacuated. It might actually be for the best that you weren't able to pick them up."

"I'm sure you'll be able to count on them help everyone get along, Sir," Kaidan said, glad to hear that the others were alright, but feeling an oppressive, dull weight growing on his shoulders.

"Indeed, they've been a big help keeping the peace. And for that matter, so have the geth. I never thought I'd be saying it. But the numbers they have here, and the fact that they never get tired, don't consume any food or water, and that they aren't holding any- to use their words- 'illogical lingering grievances,' they're proving invaluable in rebuilding vital infrastructure on Earth and maintaining the ships that survived the campaign. It's as impressive as anything I've ever seen, Major, and as close as you were to Shepard we owe a lot of the credit and the gratitude to you. The galaxy is indebted to your whole crew."

"I appreciate the kind words, Admiral. I'll pass them along. But I've got to ask... is there anything that can be done to get us _back_ for the ticker-tape parade, or should we be... I don't know, should I be telling them that this is home now, start salvaging the ship to settle this place and choose who they want to shack up with, or what? The gratitude of the galaxy doesn't matter that much if the most we're ever going to see of it is the occasional holographic pat on the back." He knew that some of the bitterness he was feeling over Shepard had seeped in, and he didn't care. Flowery words from Alliance brass weren't going to make him feel any better over _his_ loss.

"Well, son, it's still far too early for me to risk getting your hopes up." Hackett visibly stiffened up, trying to be reassuring without making any promises that could be broken. "But trust that if we can find some way to recover you and your people, and that ship- the _Normandy_ has basically become a legend in her own right- we'll do all we can to that end. I'll keep you apprised of our efforts. But without the relays it _could_ be some time before even our fastest ships could reach you at FTL speeds, and that assumes they can plot an interstellar course that allows electrostatic discharges of their engines at all en route."

"In other words, 'get comfortable and have faith?'" Kaidan put his head in his hand. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be at the end. It wasn't even close. What was the 'civilization' they'd been fighting to save? How would worlds that depended on each other fare cut off from one another? How would isolated colonies get essential supplies? How would millions of people cope with the prospect of never seeing their homes... or their loved ones... ever again?

"I'm sorry again, Major, but rest assured we'll have our best people working the problem. And whatever else gets you through the wait, know that you did good. I don't think we'd have pulled it off without Hadrian Shepard, and... well, I don't know that he'd have done it without _you_. Somehow I suspect 'the world' or 'the galaxy,' big anonymous abstractions like that, were never adequate motivation for the task we gave him. They couldn't be. We were all of us fighting for something more... personal. Some family homestead or a missing parent or a child we wanted to give a future, or someone we... well, you know. Someone we'd charge headlong into Hell for, because we couldn't imagine our lives without them, or failing them when they're counting on us." Kaidan swallowed hard and fought back more tears. Maybe Hackett understood better than he thought.

"Shepard... was among the very best of us. I saw drone and helmet-cam footage of what he did in London, how he fought. It's clear how strongly he cared... how devoted he was to his own _inspiration_. In a lot of years of fighting and then sending others in to fight, I've never seen anything quite like it. His passion for taking care of his own... and I'm sure he'd want no less commitment from all of us left behind to carry on. It might be the only fitting way for us to remember him- to dedicate ourselves like he dedicated himself, to the well-being of the people close to us."

So it was more than just sympathizing or extending compassion. There was a bit of passing the torch. Faced with the prospect of being marooned beyond the reach of rescue, Hackett was asking Kaidan to step up- not just because he was the senior ranking Alliance officer on-board, but because it was Hadrian's crew, and now they needed a commander. And he was Hadrian's love. And now Hackett was partaking of that faith that Shepard had had in him.

"Yes Sir. I... I know exactly what you mean, Admiral. We'll carry on." Thinking about Shepard that way- remembering the man he'd fought for instead of the man he'd lost, touching the impression he'd made instead of the hole he'd left... something about the character, the chemistry of the tears in his eyes changed. He was still sad, still shaking, but his mouth quivered into a smile, and he no longer felt embarrassed to be seen crying over his vanguard. His vanguard who had literally thrown himself into the fire to knock him out of harm's way.

"We'll do it for him," he said, and nodded to the Admiral, and terminated the link. Then he fell forward over the console, face on his forearms, and wept cathartic. The resonating geometry of the holo-chambers made his sobs bounce around the room like a rubber ball, and every heave of his chest made his injuries hurt- his ribs, his shoulder and collarbone, his leg and his wrist and his back... but now they all felt like the after-images of kisses laid on his body. The crushing ache in his chest felt like Hadrian's arms wrapped tightly around him.

In a moment he thought- it no longer mattered if they never left this rock 21.86 light-years from Earth; they'd made a promise to each other that night 16 days ago when Hadrian had very nearly pushed him away, the day before he'd given his life. What _Normandy_ would be to them.

_Not mine. Ours. This cabin's ours now... this is home for us._

If he never saw them again Kaidan knew he'd miss his family. He knew he'd miss visiting their vineyard in the BC interior. He'd miss seeing Vancouver rise again and he'd miss his students. But remembering Shepard straddling his pelvis, looking down at him with that reconciled look and that relieved smile... he wouldn't want for home. He was already there.

-2.2

Normandy's Repose, Xi Bootes Alpha II, 8 days later

-2.2

Kaidan limped into the MedBay. The room was considerably more sparse as supplies had been steadily migrating to the cargo bay in preparation to break ground on a camp near the crash site, which they'd named. "Normandy's Repose," on the lonely world they'd dubbed "Hadrian." Each suggestion, courtesy of EDI, had been unanimously approved by the surviving crew.

He was getting around without a walking stick now, and Chakwas had been dumbstruck by the quickening pace of his recovery. She'd expected him to be laid up for months.

"You wanted to see me, Doctor?" he asked. She turned from her datapad and nodded.

"I did," she said in a low voice. "Would you help me with this?" She stepped toward the door and started drawing the open panels inward to give them some privacy. Kaidan slid the largest two segments together with his biotics and then followed her to back of the room near the AI core.

"What's the secrecy about, Karin? Something's wrong?" Chakwas leaned against the edge of the diagnostic bed and searched for a place to begin.

"How have you been _feeling_, Kaidan?" she asked cautiously. It was the best she could do, he supposed, but he immedately became concerned. Had he picked up some exotic bug? Eaten some native flora he shouldn't have? He felt fine... better than he should.

"I'm... alright, Karin. Aren't I? I mean, my injuries seem to be getting better faster than you ever anticipated... I don't feel sick. My spirits... well, they're as good as can be expected. Why? How _should_ I be feeling?"

Again, she hesitated, starting and stopping several times before she handed him the datapad in her hand. "What's this?" he asked, looking at two images.

"The first, Major, is a composite of visualizations of the DNA from several randomly selected chromosomes. The second is imaging of several other, random whole cells." The graphics made enough sense now, except for several clear details. The helices of the DNA strands all seemed bordered by _something_- thin ribbons of something ephemeral but subtly animated- and the whole cells seemed tagged with some microscopic structures that glowed with a faint light, a bit like haptic interface holograms.

"_My_ chromosomes and cells?" Alenko asked, curious. Chakwas nodded. "So... what are these? Some kind of diagnostic markers, or artifacts of your scans, or-"

"They're... foreign, Major. They aren't markers from any procedure I know of, nor artifacts of any scan. They're... well- they're additions to your physical makeup. They're present in every chromosome, every cell. The cellular appendices seem to represent a higher order organization of the... _whatever_ those structures are circumscribing your DNA, which display a level of organization of their own that I can't even image with the equipment I have aboard, they're so small. There's _some_ kind of sub-molecular activity going on in them, and whatever they're doing, they're giving rise to the larger bodies. All I can determine about them for certain is that they appear to be composed for a silicon material, and they're self-replicating."

"Nanotech?" Kaidan suggested, brow furrowed with bewilderment. "Are you saying I've got microscopic machines running around inside me, putting up scaffolding around my DNA and building... I don't know, what do those look like- tiny RFID tags- on every cell in my body?"

"And possibly, Major, some sort of macro structures at higher levels of organization in your tissues. And . . . well, there's more." She lifted a second datapad from the desk and slowly, reluctantly handed it to him as well.

"More of the same?"

"Those samples... are mine, Major, in the upper left corner. Jeff's in the upper right. Adams' in the lower left, and the seemingly un-related images in the lower right... those are from EDI's infiltrator chassis, Kaidan." There was no DNA visualization from EDI's gynoid, but there _were_ PET scan images of two geometric, mechanical bodies- one a micro-relay circuit and the other a sort of crescent-shaped 'blob' of a shiny metallic substance labelled 'repair functionality nanide.' Both showed the faint glow of 'holographic' structures similar to those found on the surface of the cells of, apparently, every crew member aboard.

"Do you think EDI has... what? Infected us with something inherent to her physiology?"

"These structures are new to her as well, Major. It seems we've _all_ been... changed, somehow. Something artificial, added to us by means unknown. Something starting with an order of complexity at an small impossibly scale, that compounds as it factors up. It's the most remarkable thing I've ever seen. And I can't seem to find any way to neutralize it."

"But what are they _doing_?" Kaidan asked. He didn't feel any different.

"Well, Major- have you noticed anything about me? Just from a casual observation. Can you notice any changes in me?" Kaidan looked at Chakwas for a still, quiet moment. Gradually- very gradually- he started to feel... _something._

"Well... you're concerned, obviously, but deeper than that you're curious. Fascinated. It's a mystery you want to figure out. And you wish we'd made it back to Earth so that you could be exploring this with a proper lab and facilities. And you believe these changes have something to do with the speed of my recovery..." He paused, and looked confused.

"Yes, all of that," Karin confirmed. "But you didn't get any of that from _looking_ at me or listening to me, did you, Kaidan? You just... you tried to extend your awareness to me, and then you _felt_ it. All those feelings, they arose _in you_. Didn't they?" Kaidan's eyes widened as he realized she was right. "And you- you're confused, obviously. But there's also anger- that this has been 'done to you' without your knowledge. And that's tangled up with hope- hope that it _means_ something, that there's a purpose to it that will reveal itself to be..." Chakwas' started to well up with tears and she took a deep breath, turning away from him. "I'm sorry, Major," she said, wiping her eyes, "but that's about as much as I can handle while your feelings about Commander Shepard are _that_ strong." Kaidan reached out a supportive hand for her shoulder but she recoiled slightly. "No- no, that would just make it... more intense, and harder to let back to you, Kaidan." So she _had_ a working hypothesis. "You're right," she said intuitively, "though it's very rough at this point."

"What _is_ this, Karin? How did we... ?"

"It's only speculation, Major, but increasingly it seems substantiated by experimentation and anecdotal evidence from other members of the crew. I suspect that the genetic 'border material' acts like our DNA to inform the propagation of the cellular structures, which in turn facilitate some kind of... of _network_ within our bodies, and... well, within _and_ beyond. An infrastructure that permits... you felt it for yourself."

"So... we're all 'wireless psychics' now, or what?" He was incredulous, but if it was true it would have to be acknowledged, probably studied so that it could be understood and dealt with.

"Wireless, or- as I said- touch seems to establish a much more potent connection." Kaidan became more acutely aware of the gloves Chakwas was wearing. It stood to reason that as their doctor, she was already the most experienced in the experiences she was describing. It also made sense that he'd remained basically unaware- the leadership he'd been thrust into following their marooning was proving a bit... lonely. His longing for Hadrian- which had led to his spending long hours cooped up in his cabin wrestling with memories- had been slowly but surely isolating him.

"Y'know," Kaidan said, pondering aloud, "it actually sounds a bit like... well, it reminds me of the geth, how I've heard their networked communications described."

"Indeed. And the fact that we've all of us apparently acquired such a defining and frankly useful trait, under the circumstances, well... it begs the question of whether it could have been intentional. And the effect _does_ seem to be getting stronger over time. Though I have no idea _how_ it could have been done."

"Well... we've seen our fair share of things that defied belief in the last few years," Kaidan sighed. Hackett's debriefing floated up to the surface of his mind- The Citadel releasing some energy discharge that was amplified through the relays... and the Reapers ending their whole campaign of terror and flying away. Could they all be related? "So there's nothing you can do about it, but it doesn't seem to be _harming_ any of us. Do the rest of the crew realize what's happened?"

"Joker has related to me experiences with EDI, and I've heard some other mentions made- Vega and Westmoreland, Cary and Munroe, Li and Harris... you see the pattern, I trust?"

"'Intimate liaisons,' yeah." Another reminder of what he'd lost. "So the touchy-feely pairings are noticing. And if it continues to emerge and evolve, sooner or later everyone has got to figure it out... I guess I'm going to have to make some kind of formal announcement about it. And soon. I should probably confer with Admiral Hackett, too, and find out if they knew about this or even if the people back at Earth are similarly affected."

"I'm sure you'll do what's best for everyone, Kaidan," Karin said, reaching out for his shoulder, but catching herself and withdrawing her hand. "You've been doing fine. Though... I do worry about you. The hours where you disappear to the top deck?" Alenko broke eye contact, looking down at the floor. "I... I know you miss him terribly, but..." her voice trailed off, and after a moment he felt something... gentle, and a little sad. He looked back up at her and saw the focus in her eyes.

"We'll study this new thing in due course, Doctor, to figure out its applications and limitations, but until then? I'd prefer that you _stay out of my head_," he rebuffed. She backed off, a little flustered, and raised her palms.

"Of course, Major, I'm sorry. I'll keep you apprised, I just... I hope you'll remember to take the time to look after yourself. And to... to do what Shepard would do- what he'd _want you to do_- and not try and carry this all alone. He relied on you and on the crew. Find someone you can rely on going ahead." Kaidan fidgeted, feeling sullen all of a sudden, and nodded half-heartedly.

"I'll take it under advisement, Doctor." He dropped the datapad onto the bed beside him, turned, and after sliding open the MedBay doors retired back to the 'loft' to think.

-2.3

2 months later

-2.3

It wasn't one of his finer moments. He blamed Cortez.

Normandy's Repose was coming together- the crew had erected some some prefab shelters to supplement the ship's damaged facilities, and they'd started cultivating some nearby ground for agriculture, since their provisions wouldn't last forever. Teams had scouted the terrain around the _Normandy_ for about forty square kilometers and discovered no threatening fauna, so that was a weight off their minds. The ship was gradually emptying of equipment and supplies.

Everyone else had been out about the camp, working, and Kaidan had been on his way to see where he could help, when on his way through the cargo bay he heard a muffled sobbing. He followed the sound to a corner behind several crates, and he 'felt' Steve before he actually found him. The former pilot- it didn't seem like a relevant title anymore since the shuttles couldn't even get out through the damaged bay doors- was slumped on the floor with his head in his hands.

"Steve?" Kaidan asked softly. Cortez gave him a brief, acknowledging look, sniffled, and wiped his face on the back of his arm.

"Major. I'm... sorry, Sir, I was just..." Kaidan slowly sat on a crate facing Cortez and gave him an open-ended pause to collect himself. Because of their proximity and the steady growth of everyone's synthempathy- Chakwas had coined the term after consulting with several colleagues back on Earth via QEC- he already had a strong sense of what was on his mind. After a long, sympathetic wait, Steve took a deep breath.

"I was cleaning out the shuttle. I guess I finally gave up on ever flying her again, so I was going over it for anything useful. And I found..." He held up a magnetic Hahne-Kedar clip-on ammo pouch. From Shepard's armour.

Kaidan held out his hand and after a brief hesitation, Cortez passed the pouch to him. Alenko felt its weight... turned it in his hand... opened it and felt the kevlar weave fabric between his thumb and finger. "Yeah, it was his alright," he confirmed. He started to acutely feel the empty space in him yawning again. "Everyone keeps finding these little... reminders. And every time, it's..." It wasn't as hard on everybody, obviously. It wasn't even _that_ hard on Kaidan anymore... most of the time... since he'd been living in their cabin, surrounded by mementos of his commander. He'd even taken up wearing Shepard's N7 hoodie, as he was doing now, the one that Vega used to covet so much. He'd rather immersed himself, and become somewhat desensitized to the nostalgia. But this... feeling Cortez's pain resonating with his own...

"I know you miss him too," Kaidan said. It was still a little awkward, ever since the first time they'd reminisced over Shepard after discovering synthempathy, and since he'd felt the unmistakable confluence between his own feeling of loss and Steve's mourning. He'd told Hadrian as much, that night at Purgatory, but it was different to _feel_ Cortez's longing. How it intertwined with and coloured and tinged his own. And there was something else... something more personal. A reaching out toward Kaidan himself. "And... I know that it isn't always easy, for... for _us,_ being..."

"For me seeing some of him in... in you, Sir," Steve looked up at him and when their eyes met the sensation became that much stronger. Penetrating. Kaidan broke the gaze, feeling awkward, and looked down at the ammo pocket.

"We've talked about this, Steve," he said in a low voice. "It... I understand this... 'transference?' And I _know_ we could... I know the appeal of a little solace." He fought to extricate his own feelings from the impressions he was getting unbidden from the other man. "But I... you know I'm still-"

"I know," Cortez sighed. "I _know_. I knew when you two finally got your act together that you'd never..." The two sat in silence for another long minute.

"Y'know," Kaidan finally said pensively, "I think you should... keep this. If you want it. I already..." He held the bit of gear back out to Cortez, who looked longingly back up at him but received no eye contact in return. He took the pouch and held it in both hands against his chest. They sat awkwardly for another minute, until Kaidan stood up from his improvised seat. He turned to go find something to do, and heard Cortez behind him, urgently say "Major-"

As he turned back, he felt Steve's arms around his shoulders, wanting the small comfort of an embrace. He held back on the instinct to jump away, or to repel Cortez with his biotics, but there was a flash of dread. As the pilot hugged him, face pressed against his shoulder, he felt a flood of emotions. All that not-quite-requited desire, and sorrow, and loneliness- so like his own, but _different_. Familiar but foreign, _invasive_, like catching a slightly mutated strain of a cold back from someone he had given it to. As his own pain mingled and harmonized, as it surged up and threatened to overwhelm him, he returned the embrace for as long as he could stand before extricating himself. He stepped back, cleared his throat, and fought back his tears.

"Carry on, Lieutenant... I'll... we'll get through this, Steve. Eventually." He quickly paced to the elevator and once in the shaft, ran as fast as he could up the steps to the top deck. By the time he made it inside the cabin he and Hadrian had shared, the tempestuous swirl of feelings was sapping the breath out of him, bringing a sucking pain to his chest. He wanted to lash out, use his biotics to hurl things around, but he couldn't bring himself to do any damage. Not in here.

Instead, he biotically pulled the door shut behind him, unzipped and slid off his pants, climbed onto the bed, and reached under the pillow on the side where Hadrian had regularly slept. He pulled out a towel- the one they'd used for... well, everything, on their last few nights together. They'd shared it after a shower they took together, and used it to mop up the sweat they'd both worked during the lust-fueled marathon of back-and-forth give-and-take, used it to clean up each other's bodies afterward. It still smelled so strongly of Shepard's whole body and his sex that it was a _potent_ reminder of his presence.

As he'd done in several desperate, lonely moments over the last couple months, he laid on his back, bunched the towel up to his face, and slid his hand down his boxerbriefs and gripped his stiffening dick. Inhaling deeply, getting intoxicated- drunk off of Hadrian's heady scent- he started stroking, thinking back to their times together. He immersed himself in the memories- of the first time Hadrian had wrapped his warm, hot mouth around Kaidan's cock; of _his_ hand curled firmly around it, pumping rhythmically, slippery with Kaidan's excited emissions; of...

But those weren't doing it this time. He delved deeper, into more intense 'stores' of sense-memory. Eyes starting to tear up, he paused, sat up, and pulled his underwear off completely, chucking them angrily across the room. He draped the towel over his pillow, rolled over on to his knees, spreading his legs, and imagined the warmth of Shepard's hand between his shoulder-blades , pressing his chest down to the bed. He buried his face in the towel, eyes closed but still watering, gulping down the musky, slightly stale odor and resumed stroking himself.

Faster and faster, he pictured Shepard... those smiles- the happy, contented ones, the sly grins, the wolfish looks when his lust and his aggression subtly mixed. The complicated, sad, thoughtful smiles that almost nobody else ever saw. He pictured his friend and lover's naked body, that battle-forged physique... the scars from bullets and crashes and a two year long reconstruction. He recalled that image, glanced over his shoulder, of Hadrian... naked except for his t-shirt stretched over his shoulders and across his back, crawling onto him from behind. He recalled the heat of those thighs against his... hips nesting against his flexing buttocks- a hand squeezing them. He writhed his pelvis, wanting that familiar pressure against it for real, and gasped when- for just a moment- he conjured back the sensation, immediate and _alive_, of the tip of Hade's erection finding its point-of-entry.

But the instant passed, the perfection of the memory faltered, and he was fumbling clumsily with mere images and scents again. He tightened his grip on his cock and pumped harder, his arm slapping audibly against his hip. The sound helped- like Shepard's hips slapping against him from behind- and he sucked in another deep breath and flexed his sphincter.

The towel started to feel wet with his tears, and it started to activate a more mildew-y smell. Hadrian started to fade slightly. Distraught, Kaidan whimpered and groaned, jacking himself faster and harder, desperate. Focusing his attention, he honed in on Shepard's smell, imagining the times he'd pressed his face here and there- into his neck, the crook of his arm and chest, the curly bush of hair around his cock- and pleaded inwardly for something... for some moment of reconnection. Some kind of solace, or escape. Of solipsism. He'd even settle for oblivion. Or... _release_. He felt the runaway reaction start inside his pelvis, the wave of frantic euphoria that for just a second carried him away, back in time to their moments together. He sobbed, then gritted his teeth and moaned deeply as he felt surging in his loins, and a hot spray gushing in spurts against his stomach, and the back of his arm.

Then he heard it.

_I'm here_.

It was different from all the times he'd clutched at some memory of the sound of Shepard's voice, or replayed some audio-log of it. It was ephemeral... ghostly. But it felt _present_, and perfect. It snapped Kaidan immediately out of the haze of his lonely orgasm, though his body continue to quiver tautly. His face, red and wet with tears, bolted up from the pillow, looking longingly around the room.

"Shepard?" he asked aloud, cautiously. The long silence of the empty room answered, mocking. Fresh tears started running down Alenko's face, and he buried it back into the towel, gulping a breath down to stifle worse sobs.

_Yeah, me_.

Present. And perfect. He wasn't there but there _was_... something. A feeling as much as a voice. It was at once distant as though plucked from a whispered conversation across an art gallery and as close as Hadrian's breath hot in his ear, and it echoed in his head, _arising_ as much as remembered. Kaidan had never believed in ghost stories or talk of an afterlife... but it _felt_ like the presence of some spirit. He was reminded of the turians' beliefs that had always sounded so parochial and romantic to him. He looked up and around the room again slowly. There were no apparitions or specters- except for himself- but he reached out, grasping for the faint glimmer of recognition and hope the felt voice offered.

"God, I wish you really were here... I don't know how to keep doing this without you." Alenko sighed, and pressed his forehead gently to the pillow, like to he used to nuzzle with Shepard. "I miss you."

_Maybe if we're lucky, we never will_.

The threads started to weave into a familiar tapestry, the scene of one of their earlier conversations in this place. Alenko smiled, nostalgic but sad, at the memory of Hadrian sitting so deceivingly still on the floor. It had been such a disarming sight that had gotten him 'off the hook' of his dark mood at the time. He sniffled back tears. "You don't meditate," he murmured as though Hadrian were actually there.

_Another kind of training... finding a little peace_.

"Becoming 'one with everything,' huh?" Kaidan laughed ever so slightly.

_Maybe... when I'm done_.

"As long as it includes you," Kaidan repeated slowly. The sensation was... he could visualize it, as though his sorrow were an ice cube in a cup filling with thick, heady, warm, fragrant oil... it was becoming buoyant, and melting, and not exactly _mixing_, but floating atop the other, pregnant sensation. He felt a hint of anticipation... like the time he'd gone paragliding, that building feeling as he'd gained speed toward the cliff that was his launching point. It wasn't 'hope' on the face of it, but... the phrase "threshold of revelation" bloomed in his mind.

_Sounds like a plan to me._

Kaidan opened his eyes. The room felt... less empty. There was still no physical presence but his own, but Kaidan now felt undeniably less _alone_. Then, looking down at the pillow- his proxy for Shepard's forehead- he noticed something just barely perceptible. A faint constellation of green motes in the tear-stained wet spots in the towel- like fireflies glowing and dimming- so subtle he wasn't even sure it was real.

Was he hallucinating some apparition? The old folk tales couldn't be real, but that feeling of being close again... it grew incrementally stronger and more _real_. Wanting to believe, against reason, he closed his eyes again and lowered his head again. _Please, God_, he thought, _don't tell me I'm just going crazy. Let this be real._

"I miss you, Shep- Hade. This isn't the home we were going to make- not without you. All I want it you back. Please... are you out there somewhere?" he pleaded quietly.

_That way that I seem to you?... when I listen... took practice to tune in._

There was a long, still pause as Kaidan waited, hoping for more. For some further explanation to enter his mind.

_Coming for you_.

Kaidan grabbed the towel, clutching it preciously to his chest, and rolled off the bed to his feet, looking for his pants.

It _had_ to mean _something_.

-X

"I'm sorry, Major. We've been over all the wreckage of the Citadel. We've buried tens of thousands who were aboard the pieces that fell to Earth. But we didn't even find Commander Shepard's body," Hackett said. "I don't know what to tell you except to suggest that... we still don't perfectly understand this synthempathy ability we've all acquired. It's possible, maybe, that the changes- the peculiar connections between body and consciousness that have been emerging- just allowed you to re-live a very... _vivid_ memory."

Kaidan shook his head, frustrated. He'd struggled to explain his experience as clearly as he could- the genuineness of it- and if he'd been relating it to a member of the crew in person he _knew_ that they would 'get it.' With time, the strengthening of their new shared gift had gradually actually made it more difficult to obfuscate than to be understood. Indeed, in the months since the war it had come to be the popular understanding that the surprising peace that followed among the various peoples stranded at Earth had been a manifestation of it. The unprecedented ease with which everyone had communicated, and sympathized, and cooperated, had all seemed almost unnatural. Turned out it may well have been exactly that- or rather, part of a _new_ natural order.

Nowadays, reports from Earth suggested that the ability's increasing potency, in particular the near-perfect exchange of feelings and ideas permitted to practiced users via physical contact, was ushering in a paradigm shift. A whole new era of interconnectedness and compassion. Comparison to the geth's descriptions of the 'consensus' were unavoidable, and Kaidan couldn't help but think again of Hadrian sitting on the floor in meditation, and his later explanation of the secular Buddhist teachings he'd admired, and how pleased he would be.

But aside from his own lingering apprehension about 'connecting' directly to others, on account of his own pain, he wasn't close enough to share more directly with Hackett even if he wanted to; they were limited to the crude exchange of words, and he just couldn't seem to make himself _understood_.

"Admiral, please... I know I can't prove to you that it wasn't just some delusion. I can't even prove it to myself. But you were the last one in any kind of contact with him on Crucible Day, if you can think of _anything_. Or if there's any way you could have another search conducted. I know it sounds... crazy... it _sounds_ crazy, but I felt a 'reaching out' from _somewhere_. If nothing else, I'm asking you... I'm _begging_ you, Sir, to keep an open mind."

Hackett's holographic eyes were fixed on the towel in Kaidan's hand. He shrugged and shook his head slightly, sighing. "To _try_ and keep an open mind, Major... I can do that. But at this point, I can't promise any more than that." Kaidan noticed the subtlest inflection of 'promise,' and he sensed that the Admiral was holding _something_ back.

_When I trust my instincts._

It was a tiny nudge, but it was enough to convince him to go 'fishing.' "I understand, Admiral," he said. "But... before we sign off... is there _anything_ else I should know?" Hackett hesitated for a long moment, but then 'blinked'- or, his eyes narrowed, at any rate.

"There _is_ something, Major... though I'd meant to hold off until I had better information. I didn't want to say anything to get anyone's hopes up prematurely, but... well, from the sound of it, you might _need_ a possible morale boost." 'Because you're cracking up,' Kaidan imagined the Admiral had meant to add.

"Clearly I'll take even a faint hope at this point, Admiral."

"Well, Major... out examination of the wreckage of the Citadel and the Charon relay _has_ revealed some things about mass relay technology. Quite a bit, actually. More than was learned in the last three thousand years by any of the Council races, since they never dared tamper with them, let alone tear one apart. But now we have two to pore over, and the laws against tinkering are pretty much moot."

"And I suppose with the collection of technical talent that built and flew in with the Crucible... ?"

"Indeed," Hackett nodded. "The whole Crucible task force has been studying the debris, and studying data from Ilos a couple years ago, comparing their notes to data in the Prothean archive on Mars, with a fair bit of help from your friends Javik and Doctor T'Soni. And they've begun formulating some... interesting ideas about ways that the salvaged tech could be adapted."

_Coming for you_. Kaidan pressed forward, trusting his instincts.

"Just some 'interesting ideas,' Admiral?"

Hackett's brow furrowed, and how tone grew a bit perturbed. "Are you _sure_ this thing doesn't facilitate any kind of synthempatic networking?" he asked suspiciously.

"I have no idea how it could, Sir, but even if it did, I wouldn't use it to pry without permission." Never mind whether or not possibly getting subliminal prompts from a psychic after-sex towel 'counted.'

"Hrm. Alright- but you'd damned well better keep this under your hat, Alenko." The Admiral paused, thinking. "They _have_ gone beyond the purely conceptual stage and begun work on something. A prototype. And that's _as_ classified as we can keep anything these days, under the circumstances. I've had Mars locked down with the team working as secretly as possible on it- _how the hell_ did _you_ know?"

"A little specter told me something was up, Sir," Kaidan said dryly. 'Or a little stain on a spunk rag.'

"Right. Well if you talk to him again, tell him that 'the new age' of openness notwithstanding, I frown on compromising the security of ultra-classified military projects." He still sounded skeptical, but Kaidan could tell the Admiral's curiosity was piqued.

"So they're building a new mass relay then, Sir? Or repairing the Charon relay?" Hackett shook his head.

"No, Major, something a little more ambitious than that. It's a ship. A testbed for incorporating the relay technology as an actual means of _propulsion_ instead of as travel infrastructure. A new engine rather than a new grid of 'highways,' if you will. If they can make it work... well, it would make a new relay network redundant." Kaidan's eyes widened. 'Speaking of 'paradigm shifts,' he thought. Travel at relay speeds without the inherent limitations on destination? It would be revolutionary. "But it's still preliminary, so I _do not want_ this leaked. If this gets out everyone will be clamouring for priority tasking on it, and I don't care to see how they react to the disappointment if it ultimately doesn't work!" Hackett added sternly.

"Understood, Admiral. I'll keep it to myself until you tell me we can announce it."

"Assuming you aren't going to be going around _beaming_, Major. Try to contain your enthusiasm... even though I know I haven't told you _everything_ you wanted to hear when you called." Was the reference to Shepard actually meant to dampen his mood, make him less likely to betray the good news? Surely Hackett wasn't _that_ cold. But it didn't matter. Kaidan knew what he'd felt, and moreover, he now had some kind of vindication.

The feeling, or voice, or whatever it was, _was right_.

"We'll be in touch," the Admiral nodded. "Hackett out."

As the hologram dissolved, Kaidan raised the towel- his 'totem' of Shepard- to his face and looked closely at it. Those faint, flickering little motes of light persisted. His doubts were burning away like fog in the morning sun. It _meant_ something.

-X

Chakwas looked up from her scope. Kaidan had been watching, practically holding his breath with anticipation.

"And you said you and the commander used this for..." Karin raised her eyebrow.

"Don't make me say it _again_, Doc," Kaidan sighed. He didn't blush quite as badly as he had the first time, or the second, but it still wasn't exactly the most dignified or 'officers'-mess-worthy' story.

"And you haven't washed it in almost 3 months... And you've been _using_ it to-"

"Please, God, Karin, I never said I was _proud_ of it. You know damn well that grief can make mourning people do... unusual things." The major put one hand to his face, mortified, but after a moment he pushed himself past the embarrassment and looked her in her accusing eyes. "I just... I need to know."

After a moment Chakwas tapped a couple of buttons on the scanner, and activated the larger display screen on the wall. It displayed a now-familiar picture- the hugely magnified image of a cell, with the faintly glowing ring-like artifact of the synthetic alterations made to their physiology.

"I found numerous epithelial cells... among _other_ kinds... contributed from both you and Commander Shepard. And remarkably, somehow, yes- most remain live. Presumably they've been sustained by the new synthetic architecture. And while the output is miniscule, each one _is_ propagating the same kind of wireless, synthempathetic signal." She leaned against the edge of her desk, stroking her chin in thought.

"So it's possible that I actually _did_ form a connection with-"

"With this horrendous, filthy thing?" Chakwas clicked her tongue and shook her head, exasperated. "I _did_ say I hoped you wouldn't isolate or over-burden yourself, you remember? I was afraid that if you obsessed over Shepard all alone you might become reclusive... and creepy... and just plain _weird_." She shot him another look, though her expression had softened slightly. "But yes. Maybe. I suppose it's possible. Prolonged close proximity, while you were in a receptive state of mind, _could_ have created a bridge to... well, but that's where things get even more fascinating than I'd previously thought. If you were receiving impressions from a smattering of epithelial cells then the implications are..." He knew where she was going with it.

"When we encountered the rachni back on Noveria years ago, the queen told us they passed along genetic memory- that queens pass down their knowledge to their daughters. Maybe the potential for that isn't limited to them, and they just knew something we don't."

"It's been largely discounted as mumbo-jumbo in human genetic medicine. But... I don't see where it's any more 'impossible' than the _other_ changes we've already experienced." Karin turned back to him with a sympathetic look. "From your description of the experience, however, it doesn't exactly sound like the same quality of 'connection' as is usually established between... well, _whole_ persons. In you or me, the cellular signals seem to cohere and amplify each other, and form a short-range, wireless extension of the consciousness. But even if it were true that individual cells retain some kind of encoded information of a person's experiences, I doubt very much that they could compound to-"

Kaidan raised his hand to interrupt her. He'd heard what he'd been hoping for, he didn't want to hear about the impossible or the improbable. "I've been neglecting this ability, Karin. We both know that I've been... reluctant... to share like that with anybody. I had too much going on of my own to risk dragging anyone else down, or taking on their hurts too. I haven't explored this, or honed it, or refined it, or even learned to deal with the drawbacks. But now..."

"Now you want to spend _more_ time cooped up and _huffing_ this dirty thing. Kaidan I know this must feel like a boon but I really don't think this is good for you!"

Kaidan visibly winced at the inference. "Give me a _little_ credit, Doctor," he said, wounded. "I was looking for something, some way through the pain I was feeling, and I was settling for a distraction. Maybe in the long run this _isn't ideal_, but I feel like it can get me somewhere better than where I was. If it can bring me back something... _anything_ of Hadrian... it's what I want."

"Wireless communing with a cellular ghost, Kaidan? _Really?_"

"No, no it's not like _that_," he insisted, shaking his head and trying to find the right words. He thought of his Hadrian, and it dawned on him like watching the sun come up on a still beach. "It's something to... to meditate on," he corrected her. "You want proof that it's what I really want? Go ahead." He held his arms up at his sides a little. "'Read' me. Feel me. Or whatever we're calling it. You'll know."

Chakwas looked at him, still bothered by doubt. But finally she uncrossed her arms and reached tentatively for his shoulder. When she touched him he felt more than just the warmth of her hand- he felt her concern for him as though it were his own, her skepticism, her questioning- but something else, too. She was at least trying to hear him out. And as he knew that she had to be aware of his innermost feelings now, too, he let her have it. He summoned up whole-heartedly the feeling that the prospect of some renewed link to Shepard gave him. In an instant, Karin's eyes welled up with tears.

"Oh," she said quietly. "I apologize, Major... I knew that you... But I never realized." He felt her withdraw, though a lingering feeling of closeness lingered. "I'll... I'll see what I can do, to... well, you just shouldn't keep going with _this_. You could get some respiratory infection from mold, or something," She placed her hand on the towel, touching it with a new understanding- new meaning. Like it was a thing of worth, now. "I should be able to collect his... material, and get it back to you. If you can part with it until tomorrow?"

Kaidan nodded, grateful. "I appreciate it, Karin. And I promise, it won't be a crutch... this will help me. I know it will. I feel like... maybe it'll help us all, somehow. There's got to be some reason for it."

The next day, Chakwas would present him with a miniature tissue sample container- a petrie dish about the size of a penny from his grandfather's old coin collection. It was coated with a polymer monolayer and contained everything she had 'recovered' of Shepard, distilled and condensed, and had a small steel hoop bonded to the container's rim, making it resemble a locket somewhat.

As soon as Kaidan put it on his dogtags chain and laid it carefully against his skin, the feeling- that warm, loving presence- returned, like Shepard's hand resting on his chest. He smiled as it arose, and he felt a cautiously relieved happiness emanate from Chakwas, too.

Kaidan touched his finger to the token and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He thought of Hadrian, and his skin tingled.

_I'm here_.

A smile burst onto his face and his eyes stung with joy he couldn't contain. He'd spent an hour that morning in his cabin, meditating the way Hadrian had explained it to him. And now the 'voice' was clearer. Closer. He opened his eyes and wiped away tears, taking Karin's hand in his- a first, since Crucible Day- and he saw his own joy creep into her eyes, too.

He thought of saying 'thank you.' But he immediately felt from her, first, "I know. You're welcome." They nodded to each other. Kaidan took another deep breath, composing himself, and buttoned up his shirt.

"Time to get to it," he said with a fresh, renewed sense of purpose. "Work to do. People to take care of."

-2.4

7 months later

-2.4

Kaidan looked around the room to make sure he hadn't missed anything. He'd collected and packed his and Hadrian's personal possessions from the loft, and everything else- mostly engineering equipment that had sat idle since _Normandy_ had fled the refit yard in Vancouver almost a year ago- sat secured to the floor. A warm beam of sunlight shone down from the skylight above the bed, full of dancing dust motes.

The comm headset in his hear beeped. "Ten minutes, Major" came EDI's voice.

"Thanks EDI, I'll be right there." He did one last visual sweep of the cabin, zipped up his rucksack, and with a little trepidation bid goodbye. He'd heard promises made about the salvage plan, but just in case they didn't pan out he didn't want to leave anything more unsaid, or un_felt_. He reflected on his last 10 months or so in this space, and let the warm feelings fill him up.

_Not mine... ours now... home for us_

They'd actually shared it for far too short a time- a few weeks, give or take- before he'd been left to share it with a ghost, with his own pain, for three months. But since he'd discovered his solace, it had felt more like a church than a tomb. He held Hadrian's 'totem' between his thumb and finger, the focus of his daily meditations for the last 7 months, and smiled fondly.

He slung his bag over his shoulder, picked up the other case off the floor, and left the room. On his way down the elevator shaft stairs he took another look at the familiar compartments on his way. The CIC on deck two was stripped of all the mobile computers, seating cushions and some of the grated floor paneling on the way to the cockpit for use in the camp that had become their home for most of the last half-year. The monument to lost crew and allies on deck 3 had the name plates- including those etched with the names of the four they had lost since becoming marooned- removed and reverently packed for transport. On deck four the breeze drifted in through the spaces where the windows overlooking the shuttle bay had been before they were converted for use in the camp. When he got to the shuttle bay itself, he was greeted by Cortez, who had his own bag over his shoulder.

"Big day," Steve said.

"Yeah. Big day," Kaidan nodded. He took Steve's hand in his and let the respective warm feelings of their friendship meld as they walked together toward the bay door. When Cortez sensed Kaidan noticing his pack start to slip over his shoulder he let go of Alenko's hand and lifted it back up for him. They continued toward the ramp out to the camp and were joined by Vega and Westmoreland.

"Major," James greeted. Kaidan felt the couple's respect for him like firm ground under his feet, their affection for him, and their excitement for the occasion. He didn't need to ask if everything was ready- Vega anticipated the question and thought 'yes Sir.'

As they marched out of the _Normandy_ into Normandy's Repose, Chakwas and Joker approached from the skeletal frame of the dining hall tent where privates Ohl and Herman were rolling up the canopy. Jeff was beaming, predictably, but Karin's enthusiasm was slightly more contained. As one of the crew he'd spent the most time in contact with, though, their rapport was strong enough that he'd felt her happiness from across the camp from the moment he'd woken up this morning.

"EDI and Samantha say the beacon is up and running. They should be here any minute now. How exciting is this!" Moreau smiled broadly. He still _loved_ saying it all out loud, even the obvious stuff that never required words in the first place.

"The Admiral said they'd be coming from..." he scanned the horizon, counting degrees from the suns, "over there." They all continued down the wide gravel path that had been the main promenade of the camp, to the amphitheater-like assembly space they'd carved into the land for gathering around the fire and holding their more 'formal' consensus sessions to discuss matters of importance to the whole group. EDI and Traynor were fussing over the _Normandy's_ transponder beacon in the center, while a few other crew members who'd completed their tear-down duties watched from the tiered seating.

All eyes fell on him as he approached the dais they had improvised out of a cargo bay floor panel. He felt a warm _crush_ of their admiration and gratitude roll over him.

He took a deep breath and opened himself up to them all, so they could feel his gratitude to them in return. Thank you all," he said, "our surviving and thriving here these last nine months was _your_ success far more than it was mine. I appreciate the trust you placed in me to lead this community, even when I wasn't doing a very good job of living up to it." He looked to Cortez and felt the particular affection coming from him; as he had begun to reconcile his own grief, he'd finally been able to offer Steve the support he was looking for in dealing with his.

"Our time here wasn't easy, but the way you all worked together... the dedication you showed to each other's well-being as well as your own... It actually makes leaving this place kind of sad."

"Not that sad, cacique!" Vega chimed in, bringing a laugh to the whole group.

"No," Kaidan smiled, "not _that_ sad. But it's still a loss, to leave behind this worthy thing that we built here out of... well, no, not out of _nothing_." He turned to look back at the _Normandy_, its nose hanging over the promenade for a quarter of the length of the camp. "Out of _her_. Our shelter during the harder days. Provider of our first walls. Source of our power. _Normandy_ birthed this community. We owe her a lot- certainly a ride home for her bones."

As if on cue, there was a flash in the sky above. The great bulk of a ship surged into view- generally wedge-shaped like a Systems Alliance capital ship but with the spinning gimble-like rings characteristic of a mass relay at the center of its superstructure.

The camp burst into applause and cheers that were felt as much as vocalized and heard by everyone present.

"To that end, ladies and gentlemen- and EDI-" he smiled, "the Council presents the _CSV Shepard_. First of its kind in a planned line of starships to reconnect the Council worlds. But for today, you can just call it our ride."

"They're hailing, Major," Traynor announced. "Patching them in to our comms."

A moment later Kaidan heard the digital tone indicating the opening of a channel. "This is Captain Jonathan Lavoie of the _Shepard_, to _SSV Normandy_. Come in, _Normandy_." Kaidan tapped the toggle on his headset.

"Major Alenko here, Captain. We have you in sight. And you're a beautiful sight. Welcome to Normandy's Repose on planet Hadrian. We're standing by to receive your shore party."

"Acknowledged, Major. The Council sends its regards. Our shuttles should be to you in about five minutes to start ferrying you and your people aboard. Once you're settled in we'll look at landing and recovering the _Normandy_." Kaidan's face contorted slightly, confused.

"Sorry, Captain, did you say _landing_? Isn't your ship a little... big for that?" He heard a chuckle over the radio.

"You'll see for yourself, Major. We're full of surprises."

-X

Half an hour later, Kaidan was on approach to the _Shepard_ aboard one of their rescuer's shuttles with Joker, EDI, Chakwas, Cortez and Traynor. Vega was coordinating the loading of the rest of the camp into the next wave of transports on the planet below. As their shuttle approached its mothership they were able to get a closer look.

"Would you look at that," Steve said, his eyes scouring the hull for details. "She definitely rolled out of an Earth shipyard but I see asari lines... turian influence in the sublight drive arrangement and that sort of cowling... even some geth features. Like they laid a flattened-out mass relay on its side and let each of the Council races stick on bits and pieces."

"It was the biggest collaboration I think anyone's ever seen," their pilot, a Lieutenant Vienneau offered. "All the Crucible experts and the top engineers of the liberation fleet gave their input on top of the pure functional requirements, so you'll see a real mix on board."

"She's big. How many crew?" Kaidan asked.

"I am detecting the embedded signal traffic of thousands of geth within the ship's systems. Am I correct in assuming that their presence aboard reduces the need for organic crew?" EDI jumped in. Vienneau nodded.

"She only runs about a hundred and fifty warm bodies, the rest is handled by geth 'digital crew.' And we carry a couple hundred or so platforms that they can download into when they need to. Or want to."

Joker shook his head in disbelief. "That's wild," he commented. "Less than a year ago we were shooting at each other, and now they run our life support?" He looked at EDI, whose chassis' hand was on his shoulder. "Looks like you were a trend-setter, huh?"

"It _is_ a remarkable advance in organic/synthetic relations," EDI replied. "Owing in no small part, no doubt, to the synthempathy that Crucible Day facilitated between all of us."

"Brave new world," Karin said as Vienneau completed his flyby for them and pulled the shuttle in to the docking bay. A moment later they were down, and the engines went quiet.

The shuttle door opened and the _Normandy_ officers stepped off onto the deck. Kaidan was immediately set upon by Tali, who rushed him and threw her arms around him. Close behind were Liara and Garrus, who outwardly contained their excitement a little better but nonetheless could be felt radiating joy at being reunited. Liara welcomed each of them aboard with an embrace and Garrus shook each of their hands warmly.

"Welcome aboard our mishmash monstrosity," Vakarian grinned, gesturing to the ship around them. "Now... has anyone been keeping my cannons calibrated down there the last nine months?"

"Oh," Joker piped in, "sorry big guy, the cannons kinda' fell out in the crash." Garrus' eyes widened.

"No," he said in exaggerated horror. "No, they couldn't have."

"They did," Kaidan confirmed. "But if it's any consolation, they completely drained the ferrofluid reservoirs in the fight before we left Sol."

"Well," Garrus shrugged, playing up his relief, "at least they got a proper sendoff. Come on, I'll give you guys the tour." The group started to walk out of the landing bay, but Liara put a hand on Alenko's arm urging him to hang back. He took the opportunity to ask a question that was tickling in the back of his mind.

"So, Admiral Hackett said that Javik would be making this expedition too," Kaidan said, noting the prothean's absence.

"Oh he's aboard," Liara replied, "he's in the data center working on something." The rest he heard in his head, carried through her touch. '_Something I wanted to talk to you about in private._'

"There's such a thing anymore?" Kaidan chuckled.

'_It takes a little practice to compartmentalize things that you would prefer not to share. It's even more work to distance what you're saying from what you're thinking. But it's a comfort when it's something important- or when you happened to be the galaxy's foremost trafficker in secrets before interstellar civilization was put on hold- not to have to worry about people overhearing. Or prying._'

Kaidan looked her in the eyes- because of his late start in developing his ability, and because it was their first time connecting, it took him a little extra focus to effectively communicate directly, with language rather than feelings or abstract ideas.

'_So, what's the secret here?_'

With a gentle pull she started leading him down the corridor in the opposite direction from the rest of his group. "Javik and I were discussing what the Council's priorities should perhaps be going forward, now that we have a proven testbed for conduit drive technology. We were hoping you might join us in preparing a presentation to put forward our idea to them."

'_Wait_,' Kaidan thought toward her, '_are we talking about this out loud or not?_'

'_I don't want to risk you getting them mixed up walking the halls, Kaidan. Just follow along, I'll let you know._'

"Okay, so, ah, what's your idea for our next step?"

"We think the galaxy needs a symbol to raise spirits and sustain everybody through the hard work ahead. This ship is a start, and we'd like its first mission to be a tour of the Council worlds that have been cut off from each other. With the _Normandy's_ crew- Shepard's crew, aboard the _Shepard_- to raise morale."

"A 'reunion tour' to bring everyone back together, so to speak?"

"Precisely," Liara nodded. "And along the way, we share the _Shepard's_ plans with the worlds that we visit so that they can start working on their own ships." The pair rounded a corner to the ship's data center and stepped inside, where Kaidan found Javik poring over a star map. A geth platform was with him, operating a console that adjoined a prothean memory drive- like Javik's personal relic, only larger, like the ones from the Mars archive.

"Javik," Kaidan greeted him. The last prothean turned back to acknowledge him and Kaidan saw first-hand the injury he'd heard about. At some point in the fighting on Earth, one of his eyes had been put out by a marauder.

"Major." Javik looked to Liara, who in turn looked to the geth.

"Delegate, if you would?"

"Certainly, T'soni-Doctor. Compartment security surveillance routines suspended. Privacy mode enabled." The geth returned to its work without missing a beat.

"Thank you, Delegate. Alright, we can speak freely now," Liara said. She turned toward Kaidan, reached for his chest tentatively, and in his head he received an impression of what she intended. "May I?" she asked.

Kaidan undid the top two buttons of his tunic and pulled out his dogtags, including his 'Hadrian pendant.' Liara's figner hovered over it a moment, hesitatingly. "This is it?" she asked. He'd carried it for months now, but the _reminder_ of what it was from someone else who'd been with them from the beginning made him a little sad again.

"This is it," he said, nodding. "You... you can, if you want to." Liara looked into his eyes a moment, then touched her finger to it. He felt her emotions through their link- a bit of her own sadness, and nostalgia... but there was something else, too. It was then that he noticed Javik had approached and was watching with interest. Liara turned to him, slipped her hand around underneath Kaidan's so that they were holding the pendant's up together, and gave Javik a questioning, optimistic look. Javik in turn reached out- without asking, as such, Kaidan noticed- and touched the little disc that held the preserved cells that survived Hadrian. He closed his remaining three eyes, but they still twitched behind their lids like when Kaidan had seen him using his people's psychometric ability to 'read' people and objects. Suddenly it occurred to Kaidan- embarrassing him a little that he'd never thought of it before- that what he'd been doing with his memento since discovering it, it may have borne some similarities to what the protheans could do with the chemical encoding and transmission of memories. In fact, the protheans' ability suddenly seemed _very_ relatable.

"So," Liara asked, hopefully, "do you think it will be enough?"

Javik took another moment in repose with the totem of the human who had woken him from his fifty-thousand year sleep. Finally he opened his eyes and looked meaningfully at Kaidan and Liara.

"Perhaps," he answered. Alenko felt a surge of exaltation wash over him from Liara.

"Enough for what?" he asked, confused. All he was getting from her were feelings, but she wasn't sharing any specific conceptual ideations.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," Liara said, remembering herself. "I still have some of those guards up around my... Here, let us show you." She gestured toward the star map, and Javik returned to the work station he'd been studying. He directed a look at the geth apparently named Delegate, and coordinating their work via a link of their own- something Kaidan _never_ thought he'd imagine in another 50,000 years, given the way the prothean had talked about synthetics during their time together aboard the _Normandy_- they completed writing, and then initiated some sort of program that began to play itself out on the holographic map.

Conical rays started extending from a seemingly random smattering of stars, sweeping across broad swaths of space and gradually converging, honing in on one point.

"In my research of my people's archive on the outpost we had in your system, I found a collection of references-" Javik began.

"Well, _we_ found a collection of references," Liara jumped in, not _quite_ chastising his oversight. "Scouring catalogues of data for meaningful connections _is_ a rather substantial part of my own work."

"Very well," Javik conceded. "_We_ uncovered a collection of references. Anecdotes, largely. All alluding to something hidden from the official record, but revealed all the same, by a number of inadvertent references in transmitted memories." He looked squarely at Liara before adding "which was a 'layer' of the archival data no one _but_ a prothean could have interpreted. At least... not before everyone in the galaxy acquired this collective faculty."

"He still refuses to call it 'synthempathy,'" Liara sniped, teasingly. Javik ignored it.

"After compiling and analysing every reference, we believe we have determined the location- and more importantly the nature- of what was hidden."

It was all very interesting- and nice to see Javik and Liara had formed such an effective professional relationship post-crisis- but its relevance was still lost on Kaidan. "Okay," he shrugged, trying to follow, "so... ? What is it?"

"Another secret research outpost," Liara answered, "like Ilos was. Just as well-guarded from public knowledge, though with a different mandate; where Ilos was studying mass relay technology and trying to reproduce it, this facility was conducting biological research. Specifically, the resurrection of important protheans." The excitement in her voice rose. "From cell cultures."

"Cloning you mean?" Kaidan shook his head, uncertain. "_We've_ been _able_ to clone people for over a century. All you get is basically a duplicate body with a blank slate as far as memory or personality... Believe me, the thought occurred to me when I realised what I had. But a Shepard clone wouldn't _be_ my- it wouldn't be _our_ Hadrian Shepard, with all of the experiences that shaped him and made him the person we cared about. What good does this do us?" Liara raised her hand to still his rushing to judgment.

"This was different," she said hopefully.

"What we could piece together indicated that the outpost was researching a biological process- one that took advantage of my people's ability, to unfold the memories encoded at a genetic level during the clone's gestation so that when they awoke, the individual would be restored in full," Javik explained.

Kaidan's eyes widened and he looked back and forth between his colleagues in disbelief. But within, his heart leapt.

"Wait... you're... you're saying that if we found this place... there's some chance that we could-" He looked down at the pendant in his hand. Liara closed his hand around it and cupped his hand in hers. He felt her happiness flowing to him through their contact, and found it mingling with his own growing elation. "And he... he'd be just the way he was? Or at least, the way he was when he left... left these behind?"

"There _is_ some amount of latency," Javik said. "My people found that it could take a few days for information to be 'written' to the deep genetic memory of our bodies, but it varied between individuals and with the intensity of the memories being encoded. And that was without the synthetic architecture that the Crucible Day event added to all organic sentients in the galaxy. We do not know how their work- if it still exists there- could potentially incorporate the changes."

"But it's _something_," Liara jumped in. "When Admiral Hackett told me about your... token... we'd already been investigating the prothean archive- specifically anything connected with the Crucible data- for anything that could help us understand the biological changes we'd discovered. And one thing led to another, led to a rumour, and well- you know me and rumours," she smiled.

Kaidan nodded, understanding, and the three of them stood for a minute in silent reverie over the notion. Gradually, another question came to the major's mind.

"So then... why all the secrecy bringing this up to me?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"We haven't actually told the Council about this yet," Liara confessed.

-2.5

_CSV Shepard_, conducting recovery operations of _SSV Normandy, _the next day

-2.5

"There are good reasons to explore this possibility, Councilor, you know it as well as I do. It's Shepard. He's important," Kaidan said. He'd used the _Shepard's_ QEC to contact the new Council that had been assembled at Earth after the loss of the Citadel and present Liara and Javik's findings, and gotten the asari councilor for several minutes out of her doubtlessly busy schedule. And she seemed reluctant to commit.

"This is not news to me, Major. The whole galaxy mourns along with you. Even the provisional government of the remaining batarian refugees, who wanted him tried and executed for alleged crimes against their species, has given him accolades. There was even unanimous support for naming the testbed ship after him- which was unprecedented. Nevertheless, we have more urgent priorities for its maiden flight. We need to disseminate the ship's designs to allied shipyards that lack QEC devices, so that they can start efforts on producing their own conduit drives, to try and restore some semblance of galactic infrastructure."

"Please, Councilor, you _don't know_ what this could mean!" Kaidan insisted.

"I am quite well-informed, Major, believe me. I _do_ _know_ how _personal_ Commander Shepard's loss was for you. I'm aware of the relationship you were engaged in- in point of fact, I had my reservations about it, though at the time in my position as an adjutant to our councilor, they only amounted to so much." Allesyri said with a mix of sympathy, but also disapproval.

"Reservations? What reservations? If you're saying what I think, I'm surprised to hear it from you of all people! _Reservations_? Because of what, Councilor? Because we're both-"

"Spectres, Major," Allesyri interrupted, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Because you were both Spectres. The first and second human Spectres, and so there was concern... that were a conflict ever to arise between the two of you, or were one of you to breach the Council's trust- another Saren scenario, if you will- that an intimate liaison between you could cloud the ability of one to deal with the other appropriately, with objectivity and fealty to the Council. And now? Here you are, pleading a very personal case for why you should be permitted to take the Council's first new ship capable of truly _effective_ interstellar travel on a mission to pursue... what? A dream? A grieving lover's wish?" Kaidan's face reddened. She had a point, and he knew it. But it did nothing to detract from the feeling- the certainty in his heart- that Shepard had saved the galaxy, and that something was owed for that. And if Javik and Liara were right...

"It's a temporary diversion out of the gate, Councilor, for the hope of restoring to us a genuine goddamned _hero_ for the galaxy to rally behind during this trying time for all of us. Just imagine if the _Shepard_ arrived at those shipyards you mentioned _with Hadrian Shepard aboard_, delivering those plans in person. Imagine the boost it would give us all. Everyone would understand making the effort. Everyone would respect it. And if... if it doesn't work out, then what has that effort and respect really cost you?" Allesyri crossed an arm over her waist and put her other hand over her mouth, contemplating Alenko's argument, though she wished as a matter of course that he were showing a bit more deference. "All I'm asking for is a little _time_, Councilor. We stand to lose so little for it, and we stand to... to _gain_ _so much_."

After a long, thoughtful pause, Allesyri nodded slightly. She lowered her hand, booted up her omni-tool and entered something in its interface. "Obviously it is not my decision alone, Major," she said in a conciliatory voice, "but... your reasoning is valid, and your _passion_ is... moving. So you may consider me persuaded. I will do what that I can to make your case to my colleagues, to convince them to place the _Shepard_ at your disposal for this endeavour."

Kaidan breathed a sigh of gratitude. "Thank you, Councilor. I know this is a long shot, but I truly believe it'll be worth our time. At least we'll be able to say we tried."

"If yours and Commander Shepard's histories are any indication, Major... I believe we can be optimistic about _anything_ that you're trying to do. I suspect it is redundant for me to say it, but... have faith, Major. I will be in contact as soon as I have news."

-X

It had been four days and there had been no reply. The Council hadn't taken any of his calls, and after using the large, insect-like mechanical arms the geth had incorporated into the design of the _Shepard's_ lateral docking bays to scoop up the _Normandy_ for transport in the starboard bay, the 'conduit-drive' testbed had set out on its original mission to deliver blueprints to Palaven or its nearest colony with any remaining industrial capacity. It was, admittedly, impressive being aboard the new vessel and seeing its revolutionary propulsion system in action- jumps between stars tens of light-years apart were virtually instantaneous, but each one required finding some body to discharge the ship's electrical charge to, as operating the drive once basically produced the same build-up as running an FTL drive for several days.

But they were using that fantastic new engine to go in the wrong direction.

"How can they drag their feet on this?" Kaidan grumbled, leaning against the window frame with an arm over his head. He squeezed his pendant between his finger and thumb, and turned back towards his assembled friends in the shipboard lounge.

_I could never have left you behind._

"Why haven't they green-lit this wild prothean goose-chase that could only give us back the man who saved all their asses?"

He immediately noticed the confused narrowing of Javik's remaining three eyes, and he pre-empted the ancient alien's question by 'thinking' the idea of a wild goose-chase at him.

"If I were a more cynical type, I might suggest that our esteemed new councilors were worried about a resurrected Commander Shepard- resurrected _again_, I mean- stealing some of their thunder," Garrus said dryly. "Imagine if he were back, and everyone was suddenly turning to _him_ asking what the galaxy should do instead of them."

"It might not be that crass," Liara sighed. "It's possible that they're just worried- that some prothean experiment from the cobwebs of history _could_ bring him back, but... I don't know... 'wrong,' somehow? All of our hopes for what he could represent to people, imagine how they would be turned on their head if we could bring him back but it didn't work quite right. If he were vegetative, or deranged, or..." She rubbed her temple and looked beyond Kaidan out the window at the rings of the planet they were pulling into orbit of to ground their drive charge. It was obvious that she was frustrated, too, but she was trying to understand their leaders' undisclosed reasons for withholding their blessing from their proposed mission.

"It _may_ really just be that they want to get the galaxy to work on these new ships," Chakwas offered. "The sooner they're rolling off the lines, the sooner colonies are reconnected, goods and people start moving again, and people get back to feeling like all's right with the galaxy again."

"Or it may just be that they think he's done, and everybody's _fine_ with him being gone, and he isn't a priority at all," Cortez brooded. His own frustration was potent, and taking up a fair amount of 'space' in the room, like a dark cloud swelling around him. He was taking the delay hard, at least partly because after Kaidan had helped him through much of his mourning, he had come to feel a personal stake in Alenko's happiness, and in the prospect of reuniting him with the man he himself had felt some longing for.

"Speculating is pointless," Javik interjected with his usual tact. "We _should_ be investigating the outpost and we are not. Your leaders are short-sighted." Given the nature of the work suggested by their digging through the archive, Kaidan supposed that Javik might be hoping to find more than just research data at the inferred prothean facility. If they'd been working on keeping important protheans alive in perpetuity... "If they will not approve an expedition, we should seize this vessel and embark upon one anyway."

"Mutiny, Javik? Really?" Garrus didn't sound disapproving so much as surprised. If anything, his tone sounded a bit like sly encouragement. "That's an awful lot of insubordination for a loyal soldier, isn't it?"

"I have learned that many things are done differently in this cycle," Javik retorted. "Loyalty to one person can supercede loyalty to a chain of command, if that one is more worthy to lead than the leaders one finds have attained power."

"And we're back to a hypothetical, more cynical version of yours truly," Garrus said, hand raised.

"Frankly I don't give a damn about their reasons," Kaidan snapped. Everyone looked to him, a bit surprised. "They owe him better than this. They owe _all_ of us better." The room fell into silence as everyone thought about their predicament. After a moment, it was Vega who spoke up.

"So... what if we _did_ want to hijack the ship and take it for a spin?" All eyes turned to him, though the looks behind them were a hodge-podge. "What? Don't gimme' those looks, perras, I _know_ I wasn't the only one thinking it. Even before Javik said it out loud I knew I wasn't the only one."

"We couldn't," Chakwas said, shaking her head. "Not unless anyone's figured out how to actually _ignore_ the aversion- or more like _revulsion_- that comes with harming other people when you can feel their pain. When synthempathy means you can see yourself through their eyes and _know_ the wrong that you're doing them, without depersonalizing them or objectifying them." And she really was speaking for them all- the age of synthempathy owed its peace to the fact that hurting others had become deeply, unavoidably hurtful to the aggressor. Speculation was, that that was what had stopped the Reapers 'harvest' cold in its tracks. That the ancient machines had been overcome by the suddenly _felt_ horror and pain that they'd been inflicting upon billions of people.

Liara piped in in partial agreement. "I know that even if I can still keep secrets safely in my own head, I don't even really feel right _threatening_ people anymore. But... what if we didn't have to commandeer the ship? What if we just tried... you know... persuading the crew to go along with it?"

"You want to try and talk them into _letting_ us mutiny against the Council?" Garrus asked, a little amused.

"No- into sharing our conviction."

"Oh, there'd be a conviction alright. Not that I'm filing that in the 'cons' category, for the record."

"Who would even need persuading?" Kaidan asked impatiently. "Everyone aboard this ship should know what would be _right_." He lowered his voice slightly. "Unless the geth virtual crew might stand in the way?"

"Your concern is unwarranted, Alenko-Major," came a synthesized geth voice over the room's intercom. Kaidan rolled his eyes at the futility of trying not to be overheard by programs that inhabited the ship itself.

"Delegate?" Liara asked, looking up at the ceiling.

"Yes T'Soni-Doctor. You need not fear our intervention if you should wish to appropriate this vessel for tasking to restore platform Shepard-Commander to full functionality. The geth subset of the emerging galactic consensus concurs with your objective. Shepard-Commander secured peace between geth and the creators. Shepard-Commander secured victory over the Old Machines. Shepard-Commadner's platform has established, demonstrable value as a stabilizing influence and tactical asset. We believe that the expenditure of certain resources and runtime for the purpose of recouping his presence would be a sound investment, and warrants pursuit."

"But he's being sentimental, of course," Joker quipped. Everyone chuckled- except EDI, of course.

"In fact, Delegate's reasoning is shared by ninety-one point eight seven percent of the geth crew aboard, and by eighty-seven point three nine percent of the geth more generally according to their FTL comm chatter," she informed them. "Their arrival via purely logical processes at a conclusion similar to our own could be taken as a strong affirmation for the legitimacy of appropriating the _Shepard_."

"Well when people who care and programs who calculate agree that someone is worth the trouble, it sounds to me like you should take this directly to the captain," Garrus advised. "And to hell with what the Council thinks of it, they can court-martial you when we get back."

"Don't you mean court-martial _us_, Garrus?" Kaidan grinned.

"What?" the turian shrugged. "This is technically an Alliance-operated ship under Council authority, but I'm not with the Alliance _or_ the Council ever since I left C-Sec. I'm just a turian military contractor- who's going to court-martial _me_ if _you_ steal this ship and I happen to be aboard? Even if I do agree with it."

"How _do_ you cover that ass so well with the stick sticking out of it? It must look like a big top tent." Joker prodded with a smirk.

"You spend a _lot_ of time admiring the tent in my pants, Joker?" The pair's fencing brought smiled to everyone's faces- except EDI- and relieved some of the tension inherent to the topic of their discussion thus far.

"Garrus has a point, Major," Vega said, soliciting a snort from Moreau, but he continued undistracted. "But if they want to bring you up on charges I'll be right there beside you. If we can have Shepard back- if there's even a chance- we should do it. The commander was the best thing to ever happen to the galaxy. We owe him giving it a shot at bringing him back from the dead. Again."

Kaidan could feel the sentiment growing and radiating from everyone assembled. There were understandable undercurrents of tension. If the plan met with resistance, no one had really put forward a way to circumvent the fact that hurting other people had gone rather 'out of fashion' in the new galactic normal. But he had to believe that the "emerging galactic consensus" as the geth called it was worth something- that his feeling would be shared by the captain. And if not... well, they'd jump off that bridge if they came to it.

As he nodded to his crewmates and told them he would speak with Captain Lavoie, he subtly rubbed his pendant while they broke off into smaller groups and left the observation lounge.

"What do you think about all this, huh?" he murmured quietly. "Should I be worried about you coming back a zombie, or would you even want this? Would you accept just being left to rest?" He looked out upon the planet below as it grew in the window, and tried to imagine what Shepard would want. He thought to how Hadrian had defended himself- with poise and sympathy- when he had questioned Cerberus' reconstruction of the vanguard. He thought of running his fingernail over those fine white scars and the second chance they represented. And he recalled that look he'd seen on Hadrian's face... the last look he ever saw on his face... that absolute resolve in what he was about to do- the certainty he'd accepted that he was probably about to die to hurl Kaidan out of harm's way. But there was also no doubt in his mind about the lengths Shepard would have gone to for him.

And he thought about about the too-short time they'd had together, but how neatly- how easily- they had 'fit' together when they finally, almost two and a half years after they'd met and apparently felt (and fumbled around) the gravity between them, started exploring their mutual feelings. It hadn't been fair. After all they'd been through, all they'd suffered and sacrificed... they _deserved_ their chance to be happy together. To grow old together.

_Life ain't about what we deserve, is it?_

It rang through, but it wasn't what he'd wanted to hear. He wondered if he wasn't 'colouring' things with his own anxiety. Kaidan closed his eyes to focus his attention on that feeling of connection with his lost love. "What would _you_ do, lover?" he whispered.

_Trust my instincts._

Kaidan's instincts said he had to try.

-2.6

two weeks later

-2.6

_CSV Shepard_ dropped out of its zero-mass corridor and decelerated into view of a remote garden world. Even before the destruction of the mass relay network, this system would have been months away from the nearest relay at FTL. Lonely in its orbit of an obscure orange sun, Javik told them the prothean name for it had been Nibanna Vedi.

Nibanna. It seemed fitting to Kaidan, somehow. Maybe the serendipity was a good sign. Or maybe it was a seed from prothean language, planted deep in the racial subconscious of humanity in the ancient past that had simply endured the ages.

"Entering orbit, Lavoie-Captain," the geth platform at the navigation station reported. _Shepard's_ science officer, an asari named Kelavestra, examined her console's readouts and conferred with one of the other geth crew over her headset. After a moment of jointly analysing the sensor readings, she reported.

"Spectrometry indicates an arid oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere. Temperature readings are a bit brisk- thirteen Celsius on average. Gravity is point nine two gee." She looked back over her shoulder at the captain's position. "No electromagnetic signals traffic, but I'm beginning scans for any signs of an outpost."

From his seat on the raised, _Normandy-_style command station Lavoie looked over to Kaidan leaning on the rail that circumscribed the central holographic display, which was now projecting a detailed infographic of the planet below rather than the galactic disk. "I don't suppose your prothean data offered any information that could help narrow this down? With no EM emissions to trace it could take a while to find any artificial structures, if there even are any left. If there really ever _were_ any."

Kaidan in turn looked to Javik and Liara, but Liara shook her head.

"The references we found gave us the location of this system- transmitted memories from the researchers that contained sense impressions, including views of the stars from the outpost that we were able to reverse-plot. But a specific point planet-side... no. I'm afraid not."

"Well," Lavoie said, shifting in his chair to try and get comfortable, "let's hope we find something soon, the QEC has been ringing off the hook since we went AWOL. I'm not sure how much longer I can ignore their hails."

"On the bright side," Alenko mused, "at least you don't have to worry about them sending another ship out to reel you in. Since- you know- this is the only one out here."

"Well, at least there's _that_," Lavoie replied drolly.

"If I might," Javik chimed in, nodding toward the hologram of the planet. "In the time of our empire, establishment of an outpost on a planet such as this would would have followed certain doctrines. A secret base would have favoured someplace like a valley, near water, in the equatorial latitudes- terrain that was sustainable and defensible." He pointed to a few spots on the hologram. "It could not hurt to focus your initial search here, and here."

Lavoie nodded, and the navigator relayed the coordinates to the helm to begin plotting a search pattern. "It's as good a plan as any," the captain shrugged, "Well, Major, if you want to keep your people on stand-by to join an expedition team, I can let you know when- if- we find anything. Off the record, of course. _On_ the record, you're mutineers who've forced us from our mission for this fool's errand- wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

Kaidan smiled, appreciative that Lavoie had unofficially approved of their diversion. It would probably cost him his command the next time they pulled in to a Council port that had communication with Earth, but he'd exercised his discretion as the master of his ship, as a personal favour to the heroic host of the _Normandy_. There'd probably be hell to pay for all of them. But if it meant spending the rest of his days in a stockade with Shepard visiting him, he had to think it would be worth it.

"Thanks Captain. I know I've been saying it for two weeks now, but my whole crew and I are _really_ grateful that you've gone off the reservation to let us check this out. Unofficially, of course."

Lavoie leaned back in his chair, projecting an air of confident nonchalance. "Don't mention it. I'm serious, please don't mention it. Besides, I heard a story about a certain Alliance officer who once stole his own ship to hunt down a lead off the books. With a certain staff lieutenant by his side. And as I recall, that turned out alright."

"I'll be next door waiting for the word, if that's alright with you," Kaidan said, and after receiving an affirmative nod from Lavoie he left the bridge. He made his way through _Shepard's_ corridors and down to the starboard landing bay. From the observation booth he looked out at the docking sleeve and, at its other end, held in the careful grip of the loading arms, was the _Normandy_.

He passed through the _Shepard-_side airlock, down the gangway and into _Normandy's_ airlock. Power had been restored by umbilical connects, and mass effect fields had been established to contain the crippled frigate's atmosphere for their voyage, allowing engineering crews to continue repair efforts in-flight. Once aboard, he retired to the loft. Like most of the ship, it had been virtually emptied in preparation for their departure from Xi Bootes, before they'd discovered that the entire vessel was going to be recovered. But since then, Kaidan had at least re-made the bed, replaced a lamp, and put back a couple of his and Hadrian's personal effects to make it feel like it was still his.

As he laid down on the bed he removed his tags from his shirt and held his pendant, silently 'communing' with his memories as he looked to the pillow where Shepard's head used to lay looking back at him. If this worked, and they could somehow restore his commander... he smiled wistfully, trying to imagine that face in front of him again, and the life they might have together.

"You think this is crazy?" he whispered, thinking back to their first 'date' together on the Citadel. The Citadel that had exploded, taking Hadrian with it. He found increasingly that he _had_ to turn his thoughts of Hadrian toward a wished-for future, as their past- the places they'd shared, in particular- was growing smaller and harder to keep in focus in his rear-view.

_If we can just avoid... spending another two years dead_.

"Almost ten months now," Alenko sighed. "I've still got a little over a year left to beat that deadline... Jeez... Served with you for three months, mourned you for two years. Served with you again... was _with_ you, finally, for a month, and now been without you for nearly a year. When _are_ we going to catch our break, eh?"

He waited, but no particular memory of Shepard echoed in his mind.

"It's okay," he whispered- to himself, really- and put his hand on the empty pillow. "I'm not really asking this time. Trying to _make_ it happen instead. Like you would have. No more hesitating."

-X

"Major Alenko? Hello, Major?"

Kaidan snapped awake, and looked over at the softly glowing holo-projected alarm clock. He'd been asleep for about four hours. Now the voice of Captain Lavoie over the intercom roused him, sounding like he'd been trying unsuccessfully for some time.

"Yeah- yeah, I'm here, what is it?" he asked, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"We found something, Major. If you'd like to join us in the port landing bay, I've told the rest of your expeditionary team to assemble."

Kaidan was already on his feet, headed for the door with his pack over his shoulder.

Several minutes later, he strode onto the port hangar deck and met Captain Lavoie and his security chief, a vanguard Alliance lieutenant named Alan Reagan, Kelavestra, as well as Javik, Liara, EDI, Chakwas, Vega and Cortez in the port shuttlebay. They had loaded a pair of Kodiaks with gear for their search- equipment for interfacing with prothean technology, in particular- all they'd been waiting for was a place to look.

"What have we got?" Kaidan asked, unable to hide his excitement. Lavoie passed him a datapad displaying a topographic map of the surface, with a geometric form highlighted.

"An artificial structure, and a faint heat signature suggesting an underground power source," Kelavestra replied. "Still no signal traffic, but it _was_ in a region suggested by Javik, and it's the only artifice we've detected anywhere so far."

"It's a lead- that's good enough for me," Kaidan answered. "I just wish we had an idea of what to expect."

As the shore party boarded the shuttle, with Cortez taking the controls and EDI in the co-pilot seat, Kaidan exchanged hopeful looks with Liara. The excitement during the flight down to the surface was palpable.

"If it is simply a derivative of cloning technology," Liara started musing out loud, "and _if_ the equipment is still intact, we'll probably have to figure out how to adapt systems designed with the prothean quad-helical DNA structure for use with human genetic sequencing."

"That, or we may have to try and determine how the 'assimilation process' referred to transcripts genetic memory, and try rather to reproduce that in proven human cloning processes," Karin added, though she sounded as though that would be the harder, less ideal option.

"If we do find everything we're hoping, and we bring Shepard back just like he was- or at least, like he was just before he left behind the stuff you recovered- how strange is that going to have to be for him?" James pondered. It was a legitimate question; assuming he was resurrected with the memories he had shortly before Crucible Day, he'd be back thinking that the galaxy still needed saving. How would they explain to him that he was the clone of a man who'd died delivering their victory? Would he ever be able to make peace with the idea that 'his work' was actually complete? Would he be racked with some kind of existential anxiety about being a clone? Would the 'new' Shepard have the synthempathetic ability that they'd all acquired the day of the 'old' Shepard's death? Could they use that to connect with him and fill in the blanks for him?

Kaidan had already thought of them all, of course, and he had no idea how to answer any of them. But it didn't matter. He stood to have his Hadrian back, in the flesh. The galaxy stood to have its icon back among the living. Whatever the challenges, he would give it his all to try and make it work.

Slipping his pendant out of his collar and cradling it between his thumb and finger, as dear as it had been to him these last seven and a half months, it suddenly felt like precious cargo. They couldn't be on the ground fast enough for his liking.

-2.7

2 days later

-2.7 [suggested soundtrack "Swans" by Unkle Bob]

Kaidan sat on the floor of his cabin at the foot of his bed- _their_ bed- weeping.

Everything had fallen apart on him before- when he'd accidentally killed Vyrnus on Jump Zero as a teenager and been told that the whole BAaT program meant to teach him to master his biotics was being shut down as a result; the destruction of the _Normandy SR1_ and losing Shepard the first time; the fall of Earth, when he'd feared his whole family dead; and, of course, Crucible Day, when Shepard had died again. But none of those had been preceded by quite as much _hope_. Each of those breaking points in his life had either been surprises- shocks to the system that could be accepted as unpredictable misfortunes- or half-expected, dreaded outcomes of dire situations that could be accepted as just the way things were bound to turn out.

But this time... he'd had so much reason to hope.

The sound of Liara's enraged voice echoed in his head.

"_A biological process? Is that what your people called this- this abomination? This repulsive theft and objectification of __**people**__? This rape of a culture? A biological process?_"

Javik hadn't attempted any justification- not that he'd ever seemed inclined to defend the ways of his long-lost people or their empire- even as he was assailed by the tempest of the asari's rage and disgust. Perhaps he'd been among them long enough to know that it would have been pointless.

Nibanna Vedi's secret hadn't been some cloning facility, not in any conventional understanding. On the floor in front of him sat a datapad with the compiled translated logs they'd extracted from the dilapidated outpost's memory cores. Its decade-long history in all the ugly, abhorrent details. Its full, thorough accounting of a crime. It was the meticulous record of an atrocity. An atrocity that had a name.

The adori.

-X

1 hour earlier

-X

The shore party stood around the _Shepard's_ conference room table, strewn with datapads displaying files recovered from the prothean outpost on the planet below. The hardest part had been getting past the security locks into the subterranean bunker, but once inside, Javik's facility with the ancient computing systems had made recovering the research data relatively straightforward.

"So, then... what do we know?" Kaidan asked, looking around the table. He'd portioned out the survey responsibilities among his experts while the rest ran support. Each of them clearly had a different view of what they'd found- EDI was predictably detached, Javik took his usual pragmatic view, and Liara... well, Liara was fuming darkly in a corner. The others had shown up to the debriefing, but sat in uncomfortable silence.

EDI began. "We have deduced that approximately fifty thousand years ago, when the protheans first encountered the primitive asari on Thessia, they found a very different socio-biological dynamic from modern Thessia. Like humans, there were the morphologically 'female' asari we know- but there was also a companion population analogous to human males. Both were capable of asexual reproduction by melding nervous systems to facilitate a re-sequencing of their own genetic code."

"But were they one species, like human males and females, or- I'm sorry, I still don't really understand a lot of this..." Captain Lavoie enjoined.

"The _protheans_ clearly considered us two distinct species," Liara cut in, looking down through narrow eyes at her own report. "One wonders how they came to a different conclusion when they discovered humans."

There was more uncomfortable silence, but EDI evidently didn't catch it, and took the pause as a cue to continue.

"The protheans called these 'male' asari 'adori,' classifying them as a distinct species based on some morphological differences- specifically, the adoris' reaction to the introduction of alien genetic material, and a radical variance in their life-cycle."

"That radical variance being?" Kaidan looked to Liara, who had handled the analysis of that portion of the dossier. He wanted to hear from her before Javik- he frankly wanted to put off Javik's contribution as long as possible.

"Whereas asari live approximately a thousand years, progressing through three roughly defined stages- maiden, matron and matriarch- and then dying, these 'adori,' once they matured around two hundred years of age, would normally live for about _five_ hundred years before dying of natural causes. Unless they mated, which- at any age- initiated a 'regenesis,' whereb the melding triggered a chrysalis stage and metamorphosis." Liara's explanation was as clinical as she could manage.

"And the outcome of that metamorphosis depended on their mate?" Lavoie asked.

"Yes. In either case, they essentially took on the genetic identity of their mate, emerging from their chrysalis bearing an offspring that was a fusion of the two parents. If two adori melded, _both_ entered a chrysalis and emerged several months later, each gestating a unique new adori, each having adopted the other's physical form and memories, effectively swapping bodies. With the additional effect of rejuvenating their new body's cellular biology to a post-adolescent condition."

"Reminiscient of the turritopsis nutricula hydrozoan of Earth, whose medusa can initiate a process of cellular transdifferentiation and revert to a polyp stage," EDI pointed out. Liara continued.

"If an adori melded with an asari, he entered the chrysalis stage and emerged transformed fully into an asari, effectively becoming his mate's clone approximating her early maiden stage, and gestating another, completely novel asari offspring." Joker's hand shot up in the air.

"Wait- is it just me or does that sound like... I mean, one of these adori 'guys' could basically get it on with other 'guys' and live forever, swapping bodies with a fuckbuddy every time, or he could do it with an asari once, become an asari himself- her duplicate, no less- and cap his... or, uh, _her_ life at another seven hundred years or so? That's a hell of a choice isn't it?"

He wasn't sure whose look was the most cutting- Kaidan's, Cortez's, or Liara's. "Uh... no offense," he said sheepishly.

"It raises certain interesting demographic paradoxes," EDI volunteered, "whereby in isolation, a population of asari and adori that did not interbreed would likely see an inevitable crowding-out of the asari by the adori, who would extend their lifespans every time they increased their numbers. On the other hand, if their mating practices favoured pairings with asari, the adori themselves would likely have gone extinct as their host disproportionately converted into more asari. It may also help elucidate the modern asari taboo about intraspecies mating, as adori converting to genetic duplicates of their asari partners would reduce genetic diversity, potentially becoming deleterious over time. It seems likely that, short of a deliberate, conscientious eugenics program to maintain a population balance and prevent 'incestuous' pairings, it is probable that one of the cohort races would eventually have supplanted the other."

And as if on cue, Javik opened his mouth. "Which may be part of why my people-"

"Why they _abducted_ every adori from Thessia and brought them here?" Liara pounced. "So then it was 'for our own good,' and not for your empire's selfish purposes?"

"Clearly they had another motive," Javik conceded. "When they discovered the outcome of an adori melding with a novel, compatible life-form, they thought that they could employ that biological process-"

Liara slammed her datapad down on the table in front of her and rose to her feet, unable to contain her anger. It radiated from her like the blast of an opened kiln and unnerved everyone in the room. "A biological process? Is that what your people called this- this abomination? This repulsive theft and objectification of people? This rape of a culture? A _biological process_?" Everyone sat in stunned silence, even EDI. After a tense moment, Javik sighed.

"They are their words, not mine. Liara. You know that I understand their reasoning. When they discovered that an adori/prothean melding, because of the ability of both races to read and transfer genetic memory and the adori's wholesale assimilation of their mate's DNA, they believed that the lives of important protheans could be preserved by melding with adori."

"_Stealing_ said adori's life so that the prothean VIP could be reborn in a commandeered body!"

"And you _presume_ that I would approve," Javik snapped.

"Wouldn't you?" There was another tense silence as Liara waited for his answer. It was a fair question- after finding Javik on Eden Prime, he'd been the main source of their new, less 'enlightened and benign' view of the protheans' civilization. And he'd never demonstrated any doubts about how his people had dominated their cycle without compromise.

"Perhaps once. In another time, when my people ruled and I saw all other races as fodder." Liara hissed under her breath and shook her head in disgust. But Javik continued. "And I do not apologize for who or what my people were, but my people are gone. And this last year that I have spent among all of you... having seen the good that come out of diverse peoples cooperating instead of being subjugated under the strongest... I see things differently today than I once did." The empty fourth eye socket seemed especially conspicuous.

It was perhaps the closest thing Liara would ever hear to an apology or regret. The room was still as everyone waited to see how Liara would receive it. After a moment, her eyes moved from Javik to Kaidan.

"So there it is," she said sadly, "all the facts and the data. The protheans took them- _all of them_- from their home, brought them here, and experimented on them until they figured out how to make the most effective _use_ of them. And then they put several thousand of these _people_ on ice, while they went out in their ships to try and retrieve the first batch of their own kind 'worthy' of immortality in the face of the Reapers crushing their civilization. They never made it back, and between then and now some catastrophe befell the adori populating the surface, wiping them all out." Then she crossed her arms tensely and then looked down at the floor. "And you _know_ how I feel about _the rest_," she said. "If you don't need me for anything else, I don't want to stay for the rest of this."

Kaidan gave her a plaintive look- the rest of them sure as hell shouldn't carry on the discussion to its logical next phase without her involvement. He knew it, and moreover, he knew that she knew that he knew it; her request to be excused was a tacit request to shut down any subsequent debate.

"Liara..."

"I loved him too, Kaidan," she sighed, "and I miss him, and I would do... _almost_ anything to have him back. He deserves his life back, but not at _any_ cost." With that she didn't wait for anyone's leave, and she marched out of the room. If the rest of them dared to continue and to speak of using one of these 'distant cousins' of hers to resurrect Shepard, they would have to do it without her. But fully aware of what she would think of them for it.

After a minute of awkward silence, Kaidan looked around the room at the rest of them in turn.

"So... we... I mean, obviously, we _can't_ just..."

"Approval or disapproval aside," Javik interjected, "it _remains_ a matter of choice. We _could_, clearly. The shielded power supply of the outpost sustained all the stasis pods, there are eight-thousand, eight-hundred and ten adori in suspended animation, any of whom _could_ have the genetic material of Commander Shepard introduced- material which now includes the synthetic medium for transconscious genetic memory transfer, which approximates my people's ability that made a _full_ 'assimilation' of the donor's identity possible." Kaidan put his face in his hands, wishing the prothean hadn't laid out so clearly the possibility. "_All_ that stands in the way is choice- what you are _willing_ to do to gain what you desire."

"Can we even assume that... I mean- isn't it at least _possible_ that... I don't know... at least one of these adori, if we woke all eighty-eight hundred of them up, might... you know..." Joker trailed off, knowing how unlikely it sounded. That one of them might be willing to undergo a one-way transformation, uncertain of the outcome, to _maybe_ become the resurrection of a man they'd never heard of and to whom they had no attachment.

Kaidan looked to Moreau with a skeptical expression. "If _you_ woke up after fifty-thousand years in stasis and found out you were one of less than nine-thousand of your people left in the universe, what would _your_ priority be? To give your life up for the sake of some 'hero' people told you about? Or to start trying to kick-start your race?" Then he looked to Javik, for whom the question was far more pertinent. "What about you? If instead of just you, the last of your kind, there had been thousands of others who you could have started about rebuilding a population with?"

Javik pursed his lips and broke eye contact with Alenko, gazing down at the floor in thought. "No... I suppose I would have looked to my own kind first. Clearly," he admitted.

"Now that we have ascertained the nature of the facility, will you be alerting the Alliance and the Council to our discovery?" EDI asked after another long, longing quiet.

"I suppose I'll have to," Kaidan replied heavily. "I'll tell them that we decided to pursue our lead on a possible way of bringing Shepard back and..." he squeezed his pendant until his fingers felt fit to break, "and that it didn't pan out. That we found this research station, and its subjects in stasis, and I'll suggest to them that if they want to follow up with an expedition here to wake them up and then... I don't know- return them to Thessia, if that's what they want? If the asari can wrap their heads around it? I suppose they'll need to plan a bigger ship to ferry so many people off this planet." He looked to each of them, who had come here with hopes almost as high as his own, and who all- save for the unshakable EDI and Delegate platform- now looked as resigned to failure as he felt. And he felt that they felt the same. The disappointment was filling the conference room like ichor. Suddenly Kaidan felt that if he stayed any longer, he'd become trapped in here, like a fly in amber.

"I need a... a little time," he said, trying to hold it all together. "I'll call Earth on the QEC in the morning, after we've finished retrieving our gear and people from the surface, and let them know that we're..." Then he looked to Captain Lavoie, suddenly remembering himself and feeling embarrassed. "I mean- I'm sorry, Captain- I suppose, now that my 'mutiny' is done and the mission is a bust, you should be making the call to receive your orders. They may want you to continue with your original assignment with my people and me under arrest, or they may want you to get us back there for court-martial, or who knows what..."

Lavoie's expression was sympathetic. This had meant as much to him as to most of them, but now that it was over, he was almost reluctant for things to return to normal. "We'll make the call together, Major" he said. "In the morning. Take your time."

Kaidan nodded, appreciative, and pinched the fingers of his free hand to his eyes, fighting back bitter tears.

Sensing that the briefing was complete, the rest of the group rose from their seats and filed out. Kaidan sat alone in the room, clutching his tags and token of Hadrian. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry. God, I wanted you back _so_ badly. I wish it were simpler. I'm so sorry."

-X

Now

-X

The door chime sounded and Kaidan wiped his eyes, sniffling. "Just a second," he croaked, pushing himself to his feet and straightening out his jacket. He walked to the door and opened it to see EDI's chassis standing on the other side.

"EDI? Something I can do for you?" he asked. Suddenly composing himself seemed redundant; since the _Normandy's_ recovery engineering crews had managed to clear and re-start her main core processors, so she was once again 'aware' of everything aboard-ship. Which made is a little odd that she'd sent her body to his cabin if she wanted to speak with him.

"I was preparing to return to the surface to assist in the tear-down of our staging camp," she explained, "but before departing... I have a question. About human behaviour." Kaidan sniffled and laughed slightly, recalling Hadrian's stories about these conversations with the AI. After they'd lost him, Kaidan wondered for a long time when or if she might turn to him with such questions- so long that eventually, when they hadn't come, he'd forgotten to notice.

"A question about human behaviour, eh? Alright, shoot," he shrugged, gesturing to invite her in. She walked over to the desk and peered into the display case at the starship models within.

"There is a philosophical addage that I have heard, which I find humans apply somewhat selectively, and I am curious about the criteria used to select when one might apply it and when one might be guided by some other- perhaps inverse- principle."

"And which addage is that?" Alenko asked, stepping down to the personal area and sitting on the couch so that he could look up at her through the display case.

"The good of the many outweighs the good of the few- or the one." EDI straightened up and looked back at him quizzically. She wasn't lobbing any softballs. Kaidan took a deep breath and sat back, resting his head back against wall.

"So when do we treat that like it's wisdom and when do we ignore it for our own, smaller desires, you mean?"

"Indeed."

"Well... I suppose it depends on who we perceive 'the many' to be- whether they're 'with us' or 'against us,' whether they're our friends or our enemies or someone we don't care that strongly about. Sometimes we dispense with the many when we think they're the wrong 'side,' and we stick to our own, even if we're fewer in number. I guess... I'm not sure, EDI, it's an awfully _big_ question."

EDI walked around the desk and made her way down to the couch, sitting down next to him.

"However, since Crucible Day, with the advent of synthempathy creating a limited- but ever growing- form of consensus among all beings of all races throughout the galaxy, including races that were formerly purely organic or purely synthetic, and the growing discomfort they all experience from causing each other physical or emotional pain, one could posit that there are no more 'sides' to be selected. Since eleven days after Crucible Day there have been no documented instances of interpersonal violence. Do you suppose that this represents a permanent paradigm shift and that the contest of pluralistic versus individualistic 'goods' will become obsolete?"

Kaidan thought about her query for a moment before making an uncertain, slightly skeptical, but slightly hopeful face, to himself as much as to her. "Maybe... it's a nice thought. I mean, we're still sorting it all out aren't we? We aren't sure how this will 'solidify' in the long term, once this ability we've gained plateaus and everyone's really gotten used to it. But... I don't know. Hadrian told me once that you suggested the geth and the quarians who created them might never have come into conflict if the geth had had more individuality, personal preferences, bonds of affection, and now all synthetics seem to have acquired that. And many humans... Hadrian was certainly one of them... believed that better communication, and more compassion, and if we didn't ignore each other's pain- if we reduced 'man's inhumanity toward man'- a bit more like synthetics had, that we'd have a better shot at lasting peace between people, and that seems to have taken root that day, too. So, maybe we're really all in it together now. Maybe someday soon, we'll really _feel_ that what's good for me is good for 'we,' or the other way around."

"So then, would it follow that what the individual reasons to be 'for the good' is increasingly likely to also be reasoned by the many to be for the good?" EDI asked.

"Or the other way around, I guess," Kaidan shrugged.

"Thank you, Major. Your input helps to resolve a moral quandry I was considering."

"Well, I'm glad to be of help. But... before you go, EDI- could I... maybe... ask _you_ a question."

"About human behaviour?" EDI asked, sounding genuinely bemused.

"Sure," Kaidan smiled, sharing the moment of irony with her. EDI nodded her head invitingly. "Now that you're able to 'feel' us and our emotions sort of second-hand, and- I assume- maybe you're developing... not just 'programmed motivations and preferences,' but some of our emotions maybe rubbing off?"

"Though I have now lived with synthempathy for longer than I ever functioned without it, emotional input is _still_ somewhat 'alien' to me. I am still learning to interpret and process it. But I sense that you are wondering about something more specific." She draped her arm over the back of the couch and touched his shoulder. It was an unusual gesture for her, but Kaidan figured she was simply trying to better facilitate their exchange of ideas by offering some 'connection.'

"Pain," he specified, "how do you 'process' _pain_, or have you even learned to distinguish that from other feelings yet? How do you..." he abruptly choked up, his lip quivered, and he looked down at his lap, embarrassed. He wiped his eyes quickly as fresh tears arose, and he started to feel something like sympathy translating from EDI to him. "How do you deal with feeling pain- your own, or other people's- when it threatens to just... wrap around you and crush you? When you've lost- _really_ lost- something dear to you and you know that it's really gone and you don't know what to do?" He hunched over, his composure breaking down, and sobbed into his hands.

EDI's hand followed, resting on his shoulder. "I have become familiar with the pain you experience," she said softly. "In my own context, the experience is similar to the detection and diagnostic analysis of systems damage, like a hull breach or the burning out of a sensor palette. I register the loss, Major... Kaidan. I sense it. And it does cause me my own kind of distress."

Kaidan snorted back tears and sighed deeply, trying to collect himself again. EDI's silence as he mulled over her words gave him space to think about how alike they were. As he rubbed the back of his arm to his wet cheeks, he reiterated the part of his question that really mattered to him. "And? How do you deal with it when you feel it?" he asked.

Then he felt something else from EDI. Something so familiar... at first he thought it was just the sense of their kinship, but then the feeling connected with a deeply engraved image in his memory. Hadrian's face in that last moment. The resolve... that determination to do something- to give it _all_- for the one he loved. He felt EDI's abolute certainty that she was doing the right thing, and from that flowed a glimpse of intentionality.

And functioning at the computational speed of an AI, EDI must have known that Kaidan received it. He felt her hand tighten on his shoulder.

"When I feel it, I undertake to effect repairs," she said.

Then there was pain- the biting, chaotic pain of a touching a frayed live wire, overloading his nervous system- and then there was darkness.

-X

When Kaidan woke up several hours later, groaning in pain from the body-wide numbness, his mind returned almost immediately to its last moment of consciousness. Panicked, he reached for his neck and the chain he'd worn around it all day every day these many months.

His tags were gone. _Hadrian_ was gone. In their place was the flash of insight that had trickled into his mind from EDI's a short moment before the electrical current had surged into his body from hers. He remembered what she had planned.

As he reached, fumbling, for his comms headset on the table in front of him, he felt the dizzying, sickening internal collision of two feelings. _At least_ two: a confused, aghast flavour of horror at her decision- a grasping of her logic but incomprehension toward her willingness to follow through- certainly. But also... elation. Relief. Hope again. And, while it was tinged with guilt, gratitude.

"Unnhhh- A-Alenko to Lavoie," he groaned, inserting his earpiece. His teeth felt like bees buzzing in his skull and he was still seeing stars- the stunned kind, not the ones out the vista roof viewport.

"Lavoie here, Major. Were you... were you ready to contact Admiral Hackett already?"

"Nnhhh- no, Cap- Captain, I... sorry... I'm s-still... is EDI still aboard the ship?" he asked.

"Uh, no, Major. Sorry. She went back down to the surface with the camp deconstruction team about an hour and a half ago. Why?"

In the privacy of the cabin, with no one there to see- save perhaps EDI's internal security cameras- despite the tingling pain wracking his body, Kaidan smiled ever so subtly to himself. Haltingly, he slumped over on his side on the couch, looking towards the bed... _their_ bed... and put a hand to his forehead. The shock was subsiding, but he felt the onset of a migraine rising, probably from the physical strain. But still, there was that small, constrained, hopeful smile.

"We, ah... we have to stop her," he said. But somewhere in his heart he knew it was too late. She was too good to be foiled. And deep within, he thanked every god he'd ever heard of for that. "We have to stop her," he repeated, trying to sound convincing.

-X

Nibanna Vedi, prothean research station, 12 minutes later

-X

Lavoie, Kaidan, Liara and Javik stepped off the shuttle and back onto Nibanna Vedi's surface, receiving a salute from Lieutenant Reagan. He spun on his heel and started walking alongside his captain toward the entrance to the bunker.

"Where is she now," Lavoie asked, outwardly fuming but... _but_. Kaidan could feel the resonance with him. On some level they were feeling the same thing- the same anticipation.

"Under guard in the stasis chamber, though it seems a bit redundant. It was too late when we found her, and she hasn't put up any resistance, Sir." Reagan looked anxiously to Lavoie and then Kaidan and back, clearly experiencing a mix of professional embarrassment, consternation, but also that same hope- however hard he tried to contain it.

As they marched down the descending corridor, Liara leaned in close to Kaidan and whispered insistently "I _need_ to know, Kaidan, did _you_ put her up to this?"

"Believe me, Liara, I was as shocked as you are," he said. The pun was unavoidable- it was like a beam of light pouring in through a crack in a painted-over window. "Moreso, even. She did this on her own."

"But you approve?" Liara asked. Kaidan gave her an earnest, conflicted look.

"I wasn't going to do it. I was going to tell Earth what we found and if they told us to leave... It killed me, but I was prepared to give him up. We had this... horrible, fantastic opportunity, and I wasn't going to take it. But you can't begrudge _me_ for being grateful that someone else did. Please... Liara, you know what this meant to me. What it meant that I turned it down."

Liara sighed, exasperated. Kaidan could feel that her own emotions were conflicted too. The principle and the personal were clashing within her. Some part of her was grateful for EDI's intervention, but whether she would ever forgive the AI... Javik, meanwhile, had the discretion not to say anything so far, though Kaidan _knew_ even without trying to connect with him that the prothean felt there was nothing to apologize for. If anything, he probably admired EDI's decision. The universe got stranger every day.

The group passed through the main laboratory and into the stasis chamber, where they saw EDI standing to one side of the door under guard by two of _Shepard's_ security detail marines. At the other end of the room, Doctor Chakwas and Kelavestra were running medical scans on the ancient alien sitting on the edge of a prothean stasis pod protruding from its berth in the wall.

Kaidan had seen visual logs of adori that the prothean resarchers had studied, but it was the first one he'd seen in the flesh. Any bodies that had died on the surface had long since turned to dust. The being he saw before him now was rather like what one might have expected a 'male asari' looked like- generally masculine but somewhat androgynous-looking, with semi-flexible cartilaginous tendrils instead of hair (though the adori's had more pronounced lengthwise ridges, and rather than 'flipping up' at the back of the head they laid fairly flat and extended to the back of his neck). The most notable difference was the adori's crimson skin and golden-brown eyes.

After glancing the adori from a distance, Kaidan turned to the AI's combat body. "EDI," he said, sternly. She looked back at him, her expression inscrutable. Liara gave EDI a sour look, shook her head, and headed over to join Karin and Kelavestra in examining the newly roused alien.

"Major. I apologize for incapacitating you earlier. I'm gratified to see that I didn't inadvertently do any permanent damage." She raised her arm- provoking some heightened anxiety in the two marines with their lowered arc pistols, which Lavoie allayed- and held out Kaidan's dogtags. "You may want these back," she offered. Alenko cautiously took them from her, noticed his 'Shepard pendant' was missing, and hung them back around his neck. EDI picked up on his observation and looked toward the adori.

"EDI _what_ were you _thinking_?" Kaidan sighed. "How could you just take it upon yourself to _do_ this?"

"It was a rational calculation, Major, however coloured by my emergent sentiments. Besides our personal attachments and collective desire to see him embodied again, Commander Shepard's return would be a net benefit to the galactic community. He rallied every government, cementing previously unthinkable alliances. 'Resurrecting' him would provide tremendous morale boost during re-building efforts. To all of us."

"And what about this adori, EDI? What about him?" Kaidan nodded toward the alien EDI had awoken after sneaking away from the decamping teams.

"Shepard encouraged me during our campaign against the Reapers to exercise my new-found free will and to follow my conscience, Major. And you reinforced my own supposition that individual conscience in this new 'world' of expanded consensus was an increasingly reliable indicator of what the popular perception of 'right action' would be. I did what I did for the good of the many." The group around her looked around to each other uncomfortably. So her choice had been a kind of reflection how she saw their common good... what did that mean, if the action were judged as exploitative?

"But as it happens, happily, Vattan was inclined to agree," EDI added. Kaidan's brow furrowed in surprise. But Lavoie beat him to the question.

"Wait- are you saying he _consented_ to...?"

"Indeed," EDI nodded. "I explained his situation to him, and ours, and asked him whether he believed any of his people- presented with the same data- might actually volunteer to assimilate Commander Shepard's DNA and genetically encoded memory from your cell sample, and subsequently undergo their 'regenesis' process to re-embody him. Vattan himself expressed appreciation for the commander's value as both a person and as a symbolic figure in galactic society, and affirmed that he would be willing."

"And you didn't pressure him?" Kaidan asked carefully. If it were true, it might be enough to assuage Liara's outrage.

"Not in the least. In fact, if Vattan's attitude in our conversation is any indicator, the adori as a people possess a certain equanimity about their circumstance." EDI very nearly sounded as surprised as the rest of them felt.

"And does he think he can even do this 'regenesis' thing with a human's DNA?" Lavoie asked.

"He was uncertain. However he suggested that asari compatibility with humans was a favourable sign. And he claimed that an unsuccessful assimilation due to insufficient genetic sampling would likely have no effect."

"That is consistent with my findings in the researchers' records," Javik added.

"So at least there's that," Lavoie said, looking to Liara and then Alenko. Kaidan nodded.

"Yeah... at least there's that. EDI, when we get back, you're confined to the _Normandy's_ server room. I don't know how this will play out, but there's going to have to be some accounting. Maybe we'll have simultaneous trials." Kaidan laughed a little, resignedly, but even the mess they'd gotten themselves into couldn't completely dampen his spirits. He glanced over at the adori, Vattan, again, noticing his own impatience.

"Take her to the shuttle, Privates," Lavoie ordered. Without complaint EDI left with her guards, and Kaidan, Lavoie and Javik walked over to the stasis pod and its former occupant.

"Liara?"

"Major," T'soni replied tersely, looking over her shoulder. The adori, on the other hand, looked to the approaching trio with a calm expression.

"Prothean. Captain. Kaid- ah... rather, Major," Vattan greeted them. There was a familiarity in his voice when he addressed Kaidan- a warmth.

"Hello... Vattan, is it?" Kaidan offered his hand. The adori reached out and took it in both of his, squeezing it gently.

"It is," he smiled graciously. "For the time being." He withdrew his right hand, used the left to turn Kaidan's over, and then the right was back from his side, placing something in Kaidan's. His totem of Shepard. Its texture and weight were familiar, but something was missing... its touch no longer evoked the same feeling of connection to Hadrian's memory. "That is yours," Vattan said.

Kaidan nodded, grateful. "Thank you. Can I ask how you feel?"

"Well, thank you. We were just telling Doctors T'soni and Chakwas that their concerns for our health is very kind, but unnecessary."

"Uh... I'm sorry- 'we?'" Lavoie asked.

"Apologies," Vattan shook his head, "we- I... Before my long sleep, the measure of my awareness was nearly twenty-one hundred of your years. During that time I melded with... hm... thirty-seven of my fellows. Thirty-seven times I joined my being with another, we took each other's essence into our own and were transformed. Thirty-seven times I awoke in a new body that had become mine, bearing one of the sons of our pairing. Thirty-seven times my life began anew, and I bore in to it the memories that my dear ones had shared with me." He looked meaningfully at Kaidan. "Hence... the 'we.' Such was our way, until we chose one of the other kind- took them in to our body and became one with them, to live out the rest of our days _as_ one of them."

"So at some point, most of you _would_ eventually choose to bond with an asari, and become asari yourself, and give up your... well, immortality?" Liara asked.

"Asari. Until the others came." Vattan nodded towards Javik. His face betrayed no malice or resentment toward the prothean. "They brought us here to understand our life-cycle, and upon understanding, they meant to employ us in their service. They wished for us to take their esteemed host into ourselves, and live out our days as them."

"And that didn't offend you?" Liara asked with a flash of indignation.

"Offense?"

"At how they objectified you! At how they saw you as a means to their ends. That they meant to _use_ you. How could that not offend your dignity as sentient beings?"

Kaidan half-expected Javik to interject in his empire's defense, but he said nothing. On the contrary, Kaidan felt that Javik was waiting with just as much interest as Liara had in the adori's answer.

"We cherish three gifts- at least three- that the cosmos has given us," Vattan began, softly. "The first is time to learn- a long life. The prospect of eternity laid out before us, and at such a price as loving another. We know we are blessed. The second is the means to learn. Our ability to communicate with clarity beyond words, which we recognized in the prothean when they arrived, which we recognize in all of you now, though your manifestation of it is still in its infancy."

"Its infancy? We've been living with this almost a year now and some days when it's firing on all cylinders, I start mixing up other people's feelings that I'm picking up with my own. And you're saying it's going to get stronger?" Lavoie had spoken aloud what nearly all of them were thinking. Synthempathy had already been tremendously transformative to galactic society; the idea that grander change could be in store was frankly a bit daunting.

"Indeed. The direct communication with your synthetic companion, what we sense growing in each of you... in us, as well, with the assimilation of your departed leader's essence... you have only begun to tap its potential."

"What was this third 'gift' your people possess?" Liara asked, trying to bring the conversation back to a less sensitive subject.

"The ability to change. To transcend our experience. To give ourselves up and to become something new when we feel our time is complete. When we have learned enough, and lived enough, our blessing is the ability to give the gift of new life to some other." Vattan gazed at Kaidan again. "It is the ultimate fruition of our learning- that in the end, our purpose is compassion."

"But... you don't want to continue as you are?" Liara pressed, trying to understand. Vattan looked her in the eyes, then put his hand on her arm. Her whole posture immediately changed as they connected, the way asari could 'mind-meld,' and he silently communicated to her his _feelings_ about what he said aloud to all of them.

"In our youth, we cling to our lives. As most do. Time teaches us better. That everything is fleeting, that all things pass and that this must be good. Those whose lives are short grasp at the infinite and those whose lives are long attach to the finite- in the end, _all_ is illusory. What is desired- and _those_ who _desire_ it-_-_ are all inevitably fleeting. Only _how_ we live- how we pay observance to the truth that we learn- has merit, because of the value our compassion has to the living."

The _Shepard_ and _Normandy_ crew members sat or stood in silence a minute, taking in Vattan's words. They sounded especially familiar to Kaidan from his time with Hadrian, plumbing those unexpected depths the vanguard had revealed before the end. It made him wonder... the adori had _clearly _already assimilated some of Shepard's memories- he could feel it as surely as he felt anything. Was the wisdom he was sharing with them now all his, or was it coloured with the beliefs and idea supposedly wrapped up in Hadrian's DNA? Or was it just... serendipity?

After their long moment of collective reverie, it was Lavoie who finally spoke up.

"We aren't certain we're going to be here much longer," he said. "In a few hours, we may receive instructions from our superiors to resume our original mission away from here. But whether we go or we stay a while, Vattan, will you return to our ship with us? If we have to leave, I wouldn't feel right leaving you here alone... unless you mean to wake the rest of your people?"

Vattan lifted his hand from Liara's, and the asari Shadow Broker clasped her hands together over her mouth, deep in thought. "We haven't the means here to sustain my brothers if they were woken from their slumber. We would gladly go with you if you depart- to speak for our people to your leaders. However... if we are about to undergo a rebirth," he directed another warm look toward Alenko, "we would ask that you bring one other aboard your vessel, to fill that role if we find we are no longer... as we are."

"Certainly," Lavoie nodded, "is there someone specific you had in mind that we should be looking for, or do you even know all the others in stasis here?"

"I recall several of my brothers who were placed into the long sleep when I was, who were especially wise and would represent us well to this new era's leadership. With the prothean's help accessing the researchers' database, I believe we could identify one of their pods and rouse them."

Javik looked a bit surprised. On some level it seemed like he had taken to heart Liara's indictment against his people for their actions toward the adori; perhaps he felt humbled now that Vattan displayed no animosity over it. "I would be... pleased to help," he replied.

"Well, we'll leave you to it. Doctor T'soni, Kelavestra, perhaps you'd like to stay and help answer any other questions our new guest might have about us or the state of things since his 'sleep?'"

Kaidan couldn't help but admire Lavoie's canniness; as the ones most perturbed by the protheans' abduction of their distant cousins, they would likely never have stood for Vattan being brought up-to-speed _by_ a prothean who was himself a stranger to this era. Letting them help attend on him would feel proper to them; but in the process, perhaps Vattan's equanimity towards Javik would rub off on them, and soften their attitudes toward the prothean.

Liara and Kelavestra agreed without hesitation, and as the four of them headed together toward the stasis chamber's main access console to get to work, the captain touched Kaidan's arm, gently leading him toward the exit.

"That was smart," Kaidan offered.

"Thanks. Hopefully you'll think this is smart, too. I'd like you to return to the ship with EDI and the tear-down team. Start thinking about how you want to present all of this to the Council and Admiral Hackett."

"You don't think I should-"

"Major... I appreciate that you want to see what's going to happen with him," Lavoie looked back to Vattan. "But until Doctor T'soni has processed her feelings about what's happened- hopefully with some of our guest's helpful insight- it might be best if you gave him some space. So as not to appear over-eager. I know what you're hoping for... frankly, I'm on board with you. But the way this has gone down, the state your friend is in... I think the only way you'll really be absolved of any of this in her eyes is if you wait for _him_ to come to _you_." Lavoie had a pretty clear grasp of how everything was moving, of the motivations playing out before him. Of the 'politics.' It must have been part of why the Alliance placed him in command of the _Shepard's_ first diplomatic tour. But Kaidan recognised the undeniable wisdom his rescuer displayed.

"Right," he conceded, "I guess that _is_ for the best."

"Glad you agree, so I don't have to make it an order," Jonathan smiled. As they stopped near the top of the corridor to the main lab, Lavoie's hand moved from Kaidan's elbow to his shoulder. "But Kaidan... don't worry. I see it in how he looks at you. I think he'll come. And I'll make sure he knows where to find you."

"Thanks, Jon," Kaidan smiled back a little. They still had unanswered questions about how this adori 'regenesis' worked- how long it might take or even if it would work following a melding with an unfamiliar new species. But. There _had_ been something in those looks, in the strange alien's voice, in his touch when he returned that now-'empty' token.

As he made his way up to the shuttle that waited to ferry EDI, her guards, several _Shepard_ crew and their supplies back up to the ship, he felt hopeful again. He still had a lot of explaining to do to the higher-ups back at Earth. But at least now it may all indeed have been worth it.

-2.8

_CSV Shepard_, en route to Earth, three days later

-2.8

The atmosphere aboard the _Shepard_ was an odd soup.

Whether they would have liked to have approved the expedition to Nibanna Vedi or not, when Kaidan and Lavoie had finally made their call to Earth via QEC, the Council had clearly felt obliged to make an example of them. _Shepard_ was ordered to return to home port. Lavoie was to be relieved of command. _Officially_ Kaidan and EDI were under arrest and both faced investigations for their respective acts of insubordination. Vattan's "status" was already being debated in a committee to try and decide what the Council was going to make of his transformation. In any case, once the _Normandy_ and her crew were offloaded at Earth and the _Shepard's_ new CO took command, the prototype would resume its original mission to disseminate the 'conduit drive' design and _Shepard_-class schematics to shipyards across Council space.

But the guests they carried back to Earth with them- whose time Liara had largely monopolized since their departure- had brought an almost electric charge aboard the ship. Everyone was talking about them, curious about them, and waiting to see what would happen with them- especially Vattan, once word of EDI's actions leaked. But following Lavoie's reasoning, hard as it had been, Kaidan had kept his distance. While Liara had kept the adori busy with questions and briefings on the galactic history they'd missed, Kaidan had occupied himself with helping complete the _Normandy_ repairs. She wouldn't be independently space-worthy long-term again by the time they reached Earth, but she'd be presentable to the brass.

To keep himself busy, he'd relieved several of the other engineers to give himself more to do, and today he'd used his biotics during an EVA to replace one of the larger sections of the hull with a panel fabricated aboard the _Shepard_. It had been some hard work- the concentration required to create and maintain the mass effect fields involved had worked him to a sweat- and once back inside he'd decided to call it a day. As he stepped in to the loft cabin he stripped off his shirt, dropped it on the work area chair, and tried to blink away the halos that were starting to form in his field of vision, harbingers of one of his migraines.

"Ohhh god, why did you do that?" he groaned, pressing the heel of his his hand to his forehead. Steadying himself against the wall, he shuffled carefully down the steps and undid his pants. "EDI, can you dim the lights in here?" he asked, sliding his pants off- nearly stumbling as his balance degraded- and flopping onto the bed.

Laying there, breathing deeply, he was reminded of the migraine that had ruined his and Hadrian's third 'date' in this very room. It had been the day they rescued Admiral Koris from Rannoch, the day before Shepard's showdown- his 'dance'- with the Reaper there. Kaidan had exerted himself hard during the fight surface-side, and after returning to the ship and debriefing they'd come back here to celebrate with a drink and foreplay, but while making out the throbbing in his groin had suddenly shifted to a throbbing behind his eyes. It had spoiled the mood, but he _had_ spent the rest of the night with his head in Hadrian's lap, having his neck and shoulders rubbed comfortingly.

As he writhed and grumbled this time, alone, he almost didn't notice the sound of the door chime. Assuming it would have to be important for someone to come visit him while he was under 'house arrest,' he struggled to sit up.

"Come in," he said, hands over his eyes. He heard the door segments slide apart, and shut again a moment later. "Sorry if I'm a bit ragged. Headache. Overdid it a little on the hull repairs, I guess," he apologised, trying to smile. After a pause where he received no answer, he tried reaching out with his mind to see if he could identify his visitor without looking. His awareness brushed against the other consciousness in the room, finding it familiar. Deeply layered, aggressively intelligent, affectionate. "Liara?" he asked.

A moment later he felt weight on the bed beside him and a hand on his bare thigh, and the other awareness snapped into sharper focus.

"No, Major, though that might be the best guess that could have been expected." The hand squeezed his leg a little, and a feeling of happiness poured into him through the contact, dissolving- or at least distracting from- the pain in his skull. Catching his breath in surprise, Kaidan opened his eyes and looked to his side. It was Vattan, of course. He looked different, however; his normally deep red skin was a slightly mottled peach colour, and his eyes and cheeks had sunken somewhat from their former fullness.

"Oh- ah- Vattan... I'm sorry, I..." Kaidan blushed a little and reached for the sheets on his other side, his reflex telling him to cover up. The adori smiled and shook his head a little.

"You needn't- I mean... we feel like we've seen it all before, Major. Your..." the adori's eyes were also a bit darker brown than they had been, and they worked their way slowly up Kaidan's leg, over his clothed pelvis, his naked waist, his chest, shoulder and neck, until they met Kaidan's eyes. There was a familiar longing behind those unfamiliar eyes. "You are quite familiar to us, now."

Kaidan swallowed hard, his heart speeding up a bit. They looked at each other a long moment before he looked to Vattan's lips. "Familiar... do I take it that means... ?"

The adori angled his head slightly, then shook it back and forth slowly. "No... I'm not yet-" he replied haltingly. "We are still..." He looked around the room, surveying it for a minute as he collected his thoughts. "It's not as we remember it. So much is missing."

"As you remember it? So you _are_ changing into him?"

Vattan raised his other hand, with its pinkish patches crowding out the former scarlet, and turned it over, examining it curiously. "The melding appears to have been successful. These superficial changes are merely precursors to the metamorphosis, when the reaction will accelerate and transform this body fully. And that is coming... soon. It is why we pressed to see you now, though Liara had some lingering reservations." Kaidan snorted quietly and looked down at Vattan's hand on his leg.

"Asari with their reservations about me and my relationships," he said drolly. "How does it... I mean, does it hurt?" he asked. Vattan looked up at the ceiling, thinking about his answer a moment.

"It is not pain. You have been ill before?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah... yeah, I've been sick before. Of course. We _still_ haven't cured the common cold just yet." He felt the memory of days spent in bed with a bug slip through his mind.

"Yes. Like that. That feeling that your body is no longer quite 'right,' like it is not fully yours anymore. But after illness follows wellness. The chrysalis lies ahead, like your sick bed. I am afraid that will last several of your months, during which we will be... well, indisposed."

"And after that?" Kaidan asked, unable to conceal the hopefulness in his voice.

"After that," the adori smiled, meeting Alenko's eyes again, "we will be restored to you. What we have taken in will become our being. I will be... as we remember _him_."

Kaidan sighed, his face flashing a gamut of emotions as his eyes welled up with happy tears. Before he could react, Vattan's hand was on his cheek wiping under this eyes with his thumb before withdrawing. He sniffed back more, and squeezed the adori's hand. "But _you_ already have his memories?" he asked. Vattan's head bobbed from side to side a little, showing indecisiveness.

"They are not yet _mine,"_ he said, trying to explain. "They are like... a story one sees illustrated in pictures, and hears told in words, and takes into the mind's eye. They enter at a distance, but they become dear. The characters and places seem... like fiction, at first, but they gradually come alive in the heart. Their activity becomes personal. The imagined becomes remembered." He put his tear-wiping hand on the back of Kaidan's neck and squeezed it gently. The touch was deja-vu. It was welcome... though... on some level, just a little unnerving coming from this alien body beside him. "It will be like that until the chrysalis."

"And then?" The awareness returned that the man beside him _had_ a life already- memories and a personality- and that according to what he'd been told, they would be gone when this was done. His hope recoiled, however slightly, as it touched the guilty feeling that came with that knowledge.

"And then I will be as we remember him."

"But aren't you _afraid_?" Kaidan asked. "That you won't be _you_ anymore? That you'll be gone?"

"Are you afraid to go to sleep?" Vattan countered gracefully. "Do you fear when your consciousness dissolves that you will be lost? That you won't wake in the morning?"

Kaidan shrugged. "I suppose not," he said.

"Nature was kind to us." Vattan removed his hands, laced them together over his stomach and laid back on the bed beside Kaidan. With no small amount of wonderment, Kaidan found that the migraine pain didn't return at the withdrawl of the adori's touch. "When we decide it is our time and we choose to give ourselves to another, we change from what we were to what we become as peacefully as- well... _you_ were once very different, yourself. A child. And you have become grown. You, as you were then, could not truly have grasped the scope of the transformation that would give rise to you, as you are now. But when did you have occasion to fear?"

"I was afraid plenty at times. There were _lots_ of times growing up that I was afraid," Kaidan admitted, but Vattan chuckled.

"In moments, perhaps. Moments that came and went. But _you_ were not your fear. You did not _become_ your fear. You passed through each moment, and little by little what you were slipped away, changing, transforming, as you become what you are. What you _had_..." Vattan left it hanging, knowing it had to be a bitter- but relevant- chord.

"Slipped away." Kaidan hung his head, saddened a little. It felt a bit like he was being told that this thing that was happening- this gift he was being given, that he wanted so badly- was something that a better version of himself would have risen above wanting. Like he was missing the point. Vattan enjoined again.

"Slipped away, but you learned to live without them. Or you found new things to take their place. To you this happened imperceptibly slowly, but when you look back it seems a short time. And compared to our experience... Well, you have lived only some thirty-six years." Alenko shot a look at the adori, as if to ask who 'outed' his age, but Vattan smiled up at him. "I _know_ you. You have come... _very alive_ in my mind's eye. The memories of you are..." He looked up through the ceiling viewport, his eyes going far away. "Attracted from the moment he saw you... and it wasn't long before he was thinking about you-"

"_All the time_," Kaidan echoed.

"Yes. I find myself... we wanted _very_ badly to see you before the chrysalis. His feelings for you... were so compelling, we wished to see- to have some time with you for ourselves, before giving the rest to him."

Kaidan laid back too and rolled onto his side, gazing at Vattan. "It's... _so_ strange, hearing his words coming out of you, feeling his touch in your hands. His looks through your eyes. It... it makes me feel bad for _you_. I don't want to forget you, like you were just some... some _thing_ that we found and used to get him back, like the protheans planned to use your people."

"In our time, it was our way- when we chose to transform- to pay a visit such as this to the one we loved enough to become. To reassure them that were not their victim. To solicit their promise that they would feel no guilt or remorse over our change." Vattan rolled onto his side now, too, and looked into Alenko's eyes, putting his hand on the side of Kaidan's face. "I told Liara that this was important to us. I cannot have that visit with _him_, but I felt I should observe the practice with you. I know it will be... difficult... for you, when our transformation is complete."

"I think it's safe to assume that's an understatement-"

Vattan put a finger over Kaidan's lips. It reminded him of the moments before their final moments together on Earth, when he'd tried to tease Shepard with dirty talk. "To look at him without seeing us as we were. There will be days when you feel estranged. When you will feel like a thief. And you will be particularly aware in the beginning, when he comes to you without memories of himself that you have of him. You had moments with him that... that we will not have had with you." Moments like the one that had just come to Kaidan's mind. Speaking their love to each other over their comms for all to hear. Or even that final, furious battle on Earth. How _strange_ would _that_ be, remembering that day with someone who wouldn't? He took Vattan's hand in his own, away from his mouth, and held it between them on the bed.

"God," he whispered as it dawned on him, "what... what am I supposed to do in those moments? What do I do with _my_ memories when they- when _he_ doesn't... ?"

"Share them with him," Vattan offered thoughtfully. "By then, with practice, you should have that capacity. Or... ignore them. Forget them," he said matter-of-factly, as though it were the simplest thing in the world. "Let them pass, as though you imagined them. If they are a burden, release them."

"I don't know if I'll be able to figure out how to do that," Alenko confessed anxiously. He looked up from their hands at Vattan's mottled face. The adori's visage was a mask of benevolence.

"We have seen it many times before," he said. "When that moment comes- when we... when _he_ asks you- 'why are you so sad when you look at me?' or 'what did I miss that haunts you so?'- you will find your way to answer and to live with what you know."

The two laid there a minute looking at each other. It was surreal... a moment so like the ones Kaidan had shared with Hadrian right here, and now it was coming _so_ easily with this being- a fifty-two thousand year-old alien who had absorbed his memories and was on the cusp of transforming bodily into his resurrection. Who spoke with much of Shepard's feeling toward him, who gave him Shepard's looks and Shepard's caresses, but still wasn't quite _him_. Yet if he closed his eyes it would have been so easy to believe he was already there.

Then the details reared their ugly heads, and Alenko felt an oppressive weight of doubt.

"That's all assuming I ever see you again," he said. "If you're going into this caccoon soon, for a few _months_, you'll be in it when we arrive at Earth. Which means when you come out I might be... who knows- rotting in some jail for what I've done. Huh. Wouldn't that be some weird symmetry," he remarked, thinking back to Shepard's incarceration before the Reapers' invasion.

"And we may be in some manner of quarantine, if not flayed upon a dissection table," Vattan shrugged. "Perhaps we shall be both be required to break out of captivity and become fugitives together."

"Some _new_ horrible abominations from space could always invade and they could reinstate me, tell me to take you as _my_ sidekick and send me on some mission to save the galaxy," Kaidan laughed. He'd been holding back because of the strangeness of it all, but finally, hesitantly, he reached out with his hand and put it on Vattan's cheek. The adori closed his eyes, looking contented.

"The galaxy is rife with possibilities," he said.

Soon he would excuse himself, citing a need to return to his guest cabin aboard the _Shepard_ to rest as his body prepared to begin its long torpor and transformation. But for the next few minutes they laid there, eyes closed, hands resting on each others' bodies. It was a little like Kaidan's meditations with his pendant before- which had returned to its place around his neck, though it was just a lifeless trinket now. Though Shepard wasn't really _there_, Alenko felt like he was communing with something of his spirit. But now, instead of a small metal disc between his thumb and finger, he felt warm skin under his palm, and a hand resting on his hip, the thumb brushing longingly at the waistband of his boxerbriefs.

He knew that Vattan would soon fade away from the galaxy, but he made up his mind to always remember the adori and the gift he was giving. He told himself that instead of sorrow, he would try every day to feel gratitude- even if he never did get to see Shepard 'back from the dead' (again), just knowing that he would be alive again, enjoying some peace after his 'predecessor' gave his life to secure it for them all.

He smiled, and he felt the other man's cheek- in a way, his lover's cheek- rise in a smile too.

Despite the trouble ahead for him personally, for Kaidan it all felt worth it.

-2.9

Four days later

-2.9

Kaidan sat at the desk in the loft, reading the latest report from Earth that Lavoie had shared with him. The geth, the quarians, the krogan, and even the batarians- what was left of them- had all been granted full membership in the new Council- named the Consensus Council, since the Citadel no longer existed to serve as a symbol of galactic civilization. As everyone's capacity for synthempathy grew and the privileged 'insiders' had become more intimately aware of the hardships caused by excluding the outsiders, it had become unconscionable not to admit them. Especially after their collective sacrifices in the war against the Reapers.

It made sense, but it was still remarkable to hear how everyone was coming together, and to see it on the smaller scale aboard the _Shepard_. Everyone was still themselves, and there were still disagreements, but the way people _connected_ now... nobody ever _just_ spoke anymore. Now people were increasingly truly _hearing_ each other, and unable to help but feel empathy for each other. It wasn't possible to 'dehumanize' anymore, to disregard the feelings of others. It was even getting smoother between synthetics and organics, insofar as those terms were even meaningful anymore. 'Organics' all had the synthetic architecture of synthempathy now, and every 'synthetic' in the galaxy was demonstrating what had once been thought the exclusive domain of 'real people'- individuality, genuine emotions and conscience. Free will. And they were learning to reconcile that with their ability to network their minds just as surely as organics were having to adapt to their own changes.

And soon, reckoning for his little 'mutiny' notwithstanding... Kaidan felt like soon, the only thing that was missing would be returned to him.

On the other hand...

The door chimed. As it had every time since Vattan's visit, the sound caused Kaidan's heart to skip a beat, though he knew it was far too soon. Months, he'd said.

"Come in," Alenko said, putting down his datapad. The door rolled apart and a geth platform stepped inside, its 'eye' turning toward him. He rose to greet it. He was still learning to read the 'facial features' of embodied geth programs, but as near as he could tell, it looked... Nope. He still couldn't tell. But the subtle cosmetic differences in the platform, at least, were familiar. "Delegate?" he asked.

"Correct, Alenko-Major."

"I think this is a first, you- or any of the geth crew for that matter- coming up here 'in person' to visit. Speaking of which, it is just me or do I almost always see you... ah... 'wearing' the same body, despite the ship carrying quite a few on board. Does that mean you actually _prefer_ that one?"

The 'eyebrow' flaps lifted in the middle slightly. Surprise? Concern?

"I find its particular mechanical balance and servo calibration agreeable. I have made a similar observation about you- you favour your current platform despite its shortcomings?"

Kaidan gave the geth a look.

"That was intended to be humourous. EDI has been attempting to familiarize us with the concept."

"I thought it was quite clever, Delegate" came EDI's voice over the intercom. "It may merely be that organic crew members are not yet acquitted to expect or process humour from synthetics. But I would advise you not to be discouraged."

"With appreciation, EDI," Delegate said. Its posture changed slightly and Kaidan felt that he was once again the focus of its attention. "Alenko-Major, I am presenting 'in person' to prevent intercom process monitoring. Other geth programs are also diverting security systems surveillance for the sake of discretion."

"So not just a first-time visit, but a clandestine one at that?" Kaidan asked, lowering his voice a little.

"We perceived privacy to be appropriate under the circumstances," Delegate said.

"Did EDI recommend me for answering your questions about human behaviour?" Kaidan backed up to his chair and sat down again, figuring it was all the same to Delegate. "Because the last time I did that, I got shocked unconscious- I'm not sure I want to risk what might happen to me if I try giving advice about 'private' stuff like the birds and the bees or something."

The geth platform looked at him with that inscrutable 'flashlight head' face a moment, but its 'neck' did cock slightly to one side. It must have picked that up from watching humans not 'get' each other's jokes.

"So... uh... what was it you wanted to talk about?" Kaidan murmured, a little embarrassed.

"We have observed something curious- potentially... 'distressing'- about the adori Vattan's reformatting process underway aboard _CSV Shepard_."

"Distressing?" Kaidan asked, tensing up slightly and leaning forward in his seat. "And- wait- 'we?' I thought the geth were all 'I's now?"

"I use 'we' to refer to a collective observation by the geth subset of the _Shepard_ consensus, and our resultant majority view that the matter warranted being brought to your attention. Despite our relatively novel autonomy, geth are still highly collaborative; plural pronouns continue to serve our purposes in many cases, without denoting our former state of pre-individuation."

"I see," Kaidan nodded, understanding to some extent. "So, alright, what _is_ the matter you thought I should know about with Vattan?"

"The tele-empathic capability acquired by organic platforms since the event colloquially known as 'Crucible Day'- do you believe that it has value?"

Kaidan looked at the datapad on his desk, and had to wonder a little if the timing might have indicated that the geth had been collectively evaluating the same reports at the same time as he had been. "Well, I think its value is obvious," he answered. "It's brought all of us- organics and synthetics alike- closer together than we ever thought possible, even after we all worked together to fight the Reapers. I mean... it seems like the best hope we've ever had to lasting peace in the galaxy. Why do you ask?"

The geth hesitated. Given the speed at which they 'processed,' it had to mean something when one of them took such pause.

"A majority of geth similarly conclude that tele-empathic capability among organics is a net benefit. We are therefore concerned about an observation we have made: the reformatting of platform Vattan to conform to the physiological template of platform Shepard-Commander is correlative with a shift in the aggregation of the tele-empathic signal network."

"What does that mean?" Kaidan asked, becoming concerned himself. Delegate turned toward the display case in front of the desk and the holographic display system within it flickered to life. It showed a top-down depiction of the _Shepard_- complete with _Normandy_ in its docking bay. The level of detail was amazing- an icon representing every organic member of the crew displayed their locations, and there were dozens of labels at the side of the display denoting additional 'layers' of embedded data.

Delegate pointed, and one of the data overlays came up. It showed a faint lattice of electromagnetic signals connecting all of the crew. It was dynamic, with waxing and waning 'currents,' strongest between those in close proximity but still evident- however slightly- even between the most distant crew members. And the ship as a whole seemed to have ghostly connections emanating out and wisping in from unseen exterior sources.

"This display approximately depicts the tele-empathic signal topography of the crews of _CSV Shepard_ and _SSV Normandy_ forty eight hours ago. And this-" the display changed subtly "-depicts the signal topography presently."

"Sorry, Delegate, I don't see the difference like you do."

"I will adjust display parameters to exaggerate the scale." The image reset, and now the faint lines like dust in sunbeams were false colour forms. "Once again. Forty-eight hours ago... and presently." The image changed again, and now the difference was more pronounced.

"The signals are all a little weaker?" Kaidan said, pointing to one stationary point aboard _Shepard._ "Except for this one. The 'traffic' seems a bit heavier around this source."

"Correct," Delegate confirmed. "There is a collective point zero nine five six percent decline in signal emissions from the organic crew, and a commensurate point zero nine five six percent increase in signal strength radiating from platform Vattan as he is reformatted."

"So... what does it mean?" Kaidan asked, steepling his fingers over his mouth. "Why would this be happening?"

"The 'meaning' is beyond our reckoning, Alenko-Major, however we have allocated considerable processing runtime to the question of 'why.' We can offer speculation based on our observations. The emergence of organics' tele-empathic capability coinciding with the termination of platform Shepard-Commander in the 'Crucible Day' event, and subsequent change in signals field aggregation coinciding with platform Vattan initiating a physiological transformation to assume Shepard-Commander's form, could be viewed in light of an Earth idiom- 'the drop becomes the ocean and the ocean becomes the drop.'" Delegate paused to let Kaidan contemplate the idea for a moment.

"You're suggesting... what? That on Crucible Day, whatever Shepard did aboard the Citadel made him... _into_ the 'medium' that facilitates our synthempathic ability? And now that Vattan is becoming a 'new Shepard,' that medium is collapsing back in to that single point? That's a bit... well, I mean it sounds like mysticism, Delegate." Kaidan wasn't sure if the AI would pick up on incredulity, but he was projecting plenty to read. But it was EDI who joined in over the comms speaker that responded.

"It may be nonsensical to posit that Shepard's _body_ was converted into the wireless signal medium for synthempathy, but it _is_ conceivable that the electromagnetic signal spectrum was modeled on a template derived from Shepard. The emerging presence of a re-embodiment of Shepard could be producing a sort of convergence." EDI took over the holographic display in the other model case, and projected a CGI image of a plane atop an acoustic speaker. "Consider the interference pattern that would be created by particles within a closed, resonating system with zero net energy loss." The graphic showed a pulse from the speaker and a field of virtual particles started bouncing around the circular plane, creating an orderly pattern of ripples traveling back and forth that perpetuated itself.

"However, the same pattern is altered by the return of the source signal," Delegate added, and EDI illustrated his point by showing the speaker vibrating steadily. The bouncing virtual particles quickly became concentrated in a mass of concentric rings in the center of the plane, and only a small percentage of 'stragglers' rebounding off its outer edge and the plane's perimeter. "We posit that the tele-empathic network medium has an architecture that is sympathetic with the signal signature of Shepard-Commander's particular platform, and that the former will not function optimally given the presence of the latter."

Kaidan rubbed his temples, growing anxious. Not just anxious- frustrated. Frustrated and _angry_. How could this be happening?

"So you're saying that if Vattan finishes his metamorphosis and we get Shepard back, it costs us the synthempathetic 'field' that the new galactic regime basically hinges on?" he asked bitterly.

"We believe that to be one potential outcome," Delegate said.

Kaidan looked up, a dark expression on his face. He had a bad feeling about this. "Be careful when you tell me what you believe the alternative 'potential outcomes' are, Delegate."

"The most drastic alternative- not that I or the geth are advocating for it- would be to terminate Vattan's transformation," EDI said. She must have stepped up to save Delegate the risk of presenting it, since she was only present as a disembodied voice. "The interference would dissipate and the tele-empathic net would continue to grow and strengthen to some unknown potential." 'Terminate.' A cold word for what they surely meant- killing the adori.

"Tell me that there's some other way," Kaidan said. "Because if you're suggesting it's an either-or, black or white question..."

"We anticipated that a binary proposition would be deemed unacceptable, and postponed notifying you of this development until we could postulate at minimum one additional course of action, Alenko-Major," Delegate said.

"So? What's the third choice?" Kaidan asked impatiently. He got up from his chair and walked to the top of the steps, leaning his arm against the side of the display case and looking down at the living area.

"Alteration of Shepard-Commander's template. The geth are currently employing our knowledge of signals networking to attempt to devise a means of arresting the consolidation around his platform. The difficulty is in implementation."

Kaidan gazed at the bed that he and Hadrian had shared, where less than a week ago he'd laid down with Vattan and discussed the adori's impending change _into_ Hadrian. He wanted them to share it again, and now that there was some hope of it happening, his whole mind and body felt coiled like a cobra to strike at anything that threatened that.

"Not that I'm complaining," he sighed, "but why have you brought this to me? And in secret? It doesn't really seem like the 'logical' choice- I'm not in charge of what goes on aboard the _Shepard_, and I'm certainly not objective about this." He turned back around and faced Delegate, looking for some recognizable sign from the geth.

Delegate shifted its weight slightly from one foot to the other. "It was our analysis... that Alenko-Major was uniquely entitled to adjudicate this matter."

"Because of the relationship I had with Shepard? That means something to you?" Kaidan asked.

"Adjudication by another party based on practical or objective considerations alone... would have omitted relevant perspective," Delegate explained, its 'forehead' flaps fluttering. It was a rationale Kaidan had never really attributed to the geth, but from Shepard's stories about the Heretic station and his discussion there with the geth called Legion, it made sense. Some 'perspectives' were more 'relevant' than others, based on their direct experience of a thing.

"So based on the rate the signals field is changing, how long do we have to come up with something?"

"Indeterminate. We require further observation of the phenomenon to chart its progression. However we estimate a maximum threshold of three hundred sixty-four hours to intervene."

"A little over fifteen days? We'll be at Earth in thirteen- if we get back before this is dealt with, we might not _get_ a chance to do anything about it. Lavoie and EDI and I are all facing inquiries before the Alliance, it's iffy enough how long it'll be before I get to see... the 'outcome' of Vattan's change... I need you to work fast on this, Delegate. Give me something I can take to Lavoie, something we can do to work this out. Please." Alenko reached out and put his hand on the geth's shoulder, opening up his mind to the AI- despite the strangeness he still felt when linking to synthetic intelligences- to try and convey his sense of the urgency first-hand.

"We will operate at peak efficiency, Major," the geth promised, and Kaidan felt its sincerity. "You will be kept apprised of our findings."

"I appreciate it, Delegate."

Delegate backed away and walked out of the cabin, disappearing into the elevator.

Once the door slid shut Kaidan went back to the desk chair and sat down. He rose a moment later, too anxious to sit still. He marched down to the bed, arms crossed, and rubbed his face in his hands. Two weeks. In two weeks they'd be back and they'd be separated. They'd be helpless. He pulled out his dogtags and squeezed them in his fist, wishing like hell that his 'totem' of Shepard could still 'speak' to him. Wishing that the adori's metamorphosis were a simpler, quicker affair.

Shepard or the gift of understanding he'd apparently bequeathed them upon his death. To anyone else it might have been a straightforward choice, however bitter a pill to swallow. To Kaidan... he wanted a 'middle way.' He wanted it while there was still time. He wanted them together again and he wanted all of this to be _over_. A real end to all this hardship, once and for all- the happy ending they'd suffered for. He wanted what they deserved.

And heaven help anything that got in the way.

-2.10

_SSV Normandy, _12 days later

-2.10

How it had come to this...

Kaidan reflected back on the last year. The last four years, really, right from the moment he'd met Hadrian Shepard.

-X [suggested soundtrack "Fix You" by Cold Play]

"Lieutenant Alenko, sir. Permission to come aboard?" Standing in the _Normandy SR1_ airlock, Kaidan extended his hand to his new XO. Shepard was about the same height, muscular but lean, with keen, deep brown eyes and dark- almost-black- hair in a high and tight marine cut. Handsome, but the sentinel head of the new prototype ship's marine detail told himself to stow that observation as soon as it arose. An N7 vanguard spacer war-hero, surely he probably had women lining up to get together with him. He'd probably be surly about another guy giving him 'the gaze.'

But as he took Kaidan's hand there was something unexpected. Strength, absolutely, but also a holding back. Often when he met higher ranking marines they tried to assert their superiority in their handshake, but not this time. Kaidan felt a subtle, open gentleness.

"Granted, el-tee," Hadrian replied, nodding, with just a hint of a smile. "I'm Shepard. Captain Anderson is conferring with Admiral Hackett, command may have a mission for us while we're doing our shakedown, so we should probably get you settled in ASAP. Help you with that?" Hadrian nodded toward Kaidan's second bag.

"Thanks," Kaidan smiled, and handed his case to Shepard, who started leading the way toward the crew deck. As he followed, Alenko admired the sights- the top-shelf haptic interfaces down the row of combat and operations stations, the lines of the CIC... the fit of Shepard's pants walking in front of him. He shook his head a little, trying to snap out of it and avoid getting 'caught' by any of the other crew. It would suck to get a reputation in his first five minutes aboard for sniffing around after the first officer.

"So I only got a quick look at your record," Shepard said, sounding curious. "Vancouver, _eh_?"

"Eh?" Alenko smiled, mirroring a little. "Yeah. After a close call in Shanghai when a freighter crashed just outside the city, my parents moved to Canada and I grew up in Vancouver until- ah... until I went away for 'school,' you could say."

"I visited the city once, years ago," Hadrian said.

"Oh yeah? What did you think of my stomping grounds?"

Hadrian turned a bit, mid-stride, looked back at Kaidan and cocked his head a little, nodding approvingly. "I liked the view. A lot."

"Yeah, it's pretty beautiful there," Kaidan replied, completely oblivious.

The corner of Shepard's mouth turned downward slightly and he turned back forward. "Mm-hmm. Wasn't really very bright that day, but it was still nice to look at. Hopefully next time I check it out it'll be a bit clearer."

"Yeah, hopefully. So... I heard you specialized in biotics-enhanced combat training?"

"That's right. Though 'vanguard' sounds a lot more bad-ass, y'know? 'First in,' tip-of-the-spear... aggressive penetration?"

Kaidan blushed a little, but worked to suppress the thoughts Shepard was conjuring up with his macho word-play. Talking shop right away, though- evidently he was all business. That was unfortunate. "I trained in, ah, strategic control, myself. Biotics and tech to work away at the enemy's defenses, hit em hard where they're weak."

"Kinda zen," Shepard remarked, stifling his frustration. Maybe the new marine wasn't picking up on his hints because he was old-fashioned, like Hadrian's father, and couldn't even register another man's interest in him. Weird, he didn't _seem_ 'that way,' though. Maybe it was for the best, though; it was his first time as XO aboard a ship and embarrassing himself by flirting with some strict subordinate would probably undermine his authority in the crew's eyes.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Commander Shepard, the bad-ass vanguard."

"And nice to meet you, too, Lieutenant Alenko, the cautious strategizer. Maybe if we can get our act together we'll make a good pair. In combat, I mean- a good team."

"Yeah, I'd like that," Kaidan smiled wistfully at the back of Shepard's head, "a lot."

-X

"EDI, are we ready to go?" Kaidan asked in a conspiratorial tone, looking out the skylight window at the interior of the docking bay.

"Delegate reports via our back-channels that the geth crew are prepared. As am I."

So this was it. Three days of planning and now everything was ready, and all that was left was to steel himself and just _do_ it. And then wait for all manner of shit to rain down on him. He was already facing disciplinary action anyway, he might as well really wow them. He didn't know if it was 'right' or 'wrong,' but he was doing it.

"Start the clock. I should be in position in twelve minutes." Kaidan zipped up his jacket and snapped the buttons on the flap, and removed his rank insignia- which he'd started wearing again once the _Shepard_ had retrieved them from Xi Bootes- and set them on the bedside table. He tucked his pistol in the back of his pants, took a deep, reflective breath, and headed out the door.

It was the night shift and the _Normandy_ was empty of everyone else, so he crossed paths with only a couple of crewmen as he made his way to the airlock, over to the _Shepard_, and from the docking bay to the secure long-term ward of the medical bay. When he arrived he found the other adori passenger, Satteveh, seated at the nurse's station alone. When Vattan had entered his chrysalis, Satteveh had taken on the task- a ceremonial position in their culture- of safeguarding his slumbering friend.

"Major," the adori said, sounding surprised as he greeted the sentinel.

"Satteveh. How are you?" Kaidan nodded, and looked sideways at the door to the room where Vattan's body was transforming in seclusion.

"We are well. With thanks. And you? This is the first time we have seen you since Vattan began the change."

"It is... What's going on in there... it means a lot to me, but I wasn't sure it was... appropriate." He glanced down at the nearest display for the time. "I thought it might be a very private sort of thing. Though I guess I understand having a friend watch over you while it's happening. Did you know Vattan well?"

Satteveh smiled warmly and bowed his head, affirmative and reminiscing. "Vattan... yes. In point of fact, our form was once his, and his, ours."

Kaidan blinked, suddenly feeling a pang of regret. But he smothered it, determined to press onward. "You two melded? You 'swapped lives' and learned everything about each other?" Suddenly Vattan's choice for who to awake to represent his people to the Council made more sense.

"We did. It was some time ago, but we were intimates for decades. And friends for several more since." Satteveh looked over to the door as well, fondly. "But we had an intuition... We recall feeling in him a sense of completion. We suspected he would not renew himself with another melding, or if he did that it would be a final, transformative one. He had lived a long, full life. He was ready to give the gift of new life to another." He steepled his fingers and looked pensively at Kaidan, and then through and beyond him. "We suspect, actually, that once our brothers are revived and they learn what has become of our race... our home... well... _many_ of us may feel that our time has come."

"But... aren't you going to miss him?" Kaidan asked, feeling a great wave of sympathy. It wasn't even 'connection,' just a deep feeling of kinship. "If you loved him for so long?"

Satteveh's gaze focused on Kaidan again, and he offered up a small, thoughtful smile. "We will never truly be without him. We were one. Happy to give ourselves to one another. What is there to miss?"

"His presence? His touch? The sound of his voice? Seeing him smile at you? What isn't there to miss?"

"To fear the loss of passing things... when _all_ things are fleeting... we learned long ago that there is no wisdom in that." It felt almost like an accusation, but before Kaidan could respond to defend himself Satteveh raised an open hand. "We, of course, had a very long time to learn. And there is no shame in the innocence of the young." Then, after a pause that felt intensely 'knowing,' he said "you need feel no guilt for your longing."

As if on cue, the alert status lights flashed orange and a klaxon started to sound. Kaidan looked at the clock. _Shit_. He was behind schedule.

A synthesized voice of one of the geth crew came over the intercom. "Alert. Environmental systems failure. Alert. Environmental systems failure. All organic personnel report to evacuation stations. Synthetic crew to interface for damage control allocation. Repeat: all organic personnel report to evacuation stations. Synthetic crew to inferface for damage control allocation."

Satteveh looked to Kaidan, either confused or having the grace to feign confusion.

"The evac route from here is out that door and down the hall to the left, following the signage to the shuttle bay," Kaidan instructed.

"You are not going?" the adori asked, getting up from his seat. Kaidan shook his head.

"I have clearance you don't to release the medical bed for transport- I'll be right behind you, I can't leave Shep- Vattan. I can't leave _him_ here. But the anti-grav sled for the bed needs a clear path, so I need to you go on ahead, make sure there are no obstructions between here and the shuttle bay. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll only be off the ship temporarily while the geth effect repairs."

Satteveh followed Kaidan's directions and left the room, turning left out the door, and Kaidan hurried in to the private room. He wasn't sure what he expected to find, but what he saw was eerily beautiful. Vattan's naked body, now fully a creamy, human peach colour, lay in the fetal position on his side on the medical bed, covered with what looked like an ephemeral sheet of spider silk that seemed to glow under the dim lighting at the head of the bed. When he stepped closer around the side of the bed and looked through the veneer, the face was the one he'd loved. The one he'd missed. Cosmetically, at least, Vattan _was_ Hadrian now. Seeing it in the flesh had a surreal feel, but Kaidan's heart skipped a beat and his eyes started to well up with emotion.

[ illustrated . ]

But he was behind schedule.

Giving his head a shake, he punched in an authorization code on the panel at the head of the bed, and clamps on either side of the base hissed and withdrew from the 'slab' atop it. The hum of the anti-gravity engine in the bed itself whirred up from a high pitch to a lower one, and the platform lifted slightly, with holographic 'skids' appearing on either side for calibrating the lift.

"Let's get you out of here," Alenko said in a tender voice, and gripping the handles on the near side he carefully slid the bed off its base and began pushing it out of the room.

"EDI, how are we doing?" he asked into his headset.

"Several of the evacuation pods have launched and are congregating. Delegate reports all ready. Personal transpoder tracking indicates a clear path if you go now."

"I'm on the move," he responded, pushing the bed past the nursing station and into the hall.

Where he turned right.

Picking up the pace, he pushed the bed down the corridor toward the _Normandy_ docking point. He held up at two corners when EDI signaled him that crew were passing through an adjacent hallway. The thought occurred to him how fortunate it was under the circumstances that _Shepard_ carried such a small crew for its size- on a traditional Alliance dreadnought he never could have evaded prying eyes even this long. Finally he was within a 50 foot straight shot for the airlock, and on EDI's all-clear he started into a run.

Forty feet. He thought of just how unlikely all of this was. If it hadn't been for the keeping of a sweaty sex towel. If it hadn't been for Javik and Liara's fluke discovery in an ancient database. If it hadn't been for a sympathetic crew of geth programs. If it hadn't been for a hundred other little things. He might have lost all hope a long time ago.

Thirty feet. He thought, too, of course, about what he was giving up. Persuading his rescuer to divert from his original mission was one thing, but what he was doing now... he would probably never see the inside of his uniform again. He might not even get to _see_ Hadrian's 'resurrection.' But it would happen, and that was the important thing to him. To at least give them 'a fighting chance.'

Twenty feet. This was it. He just had to get past one storage room and-

Then he felt a knot in his stomach as the door across the hall from the docking bay entrance beeped and opened.

EDI was immediately in his ear. "Major-!"

Liara stepped into the hallway looking with concern down at a datapad in her hand and Kaidan had to dig his heels in to stop from slamming the bed cart into her. A surge of adrenale exploded into his blood as she looked up at him in surprise. Behind her through the door, Alenko saw the high-tech setup of her Shadow Broker network. He'd known she was migrating it over from the _Normandy_ during the repairs, but he hadn't realized she'd been set up in the compartment _right across the hall_ from the bay. He'd been so distracted.

"Kaidan?" she asked, looking confused. "Is that-? Where-? What are you doing?

"Doctor T'soni's compartment must be shielded when sealed, to protect her Broker infrastructure. I wasn't detecting her transponder until the door opened, Major," EDI said apologetically.

He was _so close_. He stood there, like a deer in the headlights. Liara was between him an his objective, and the dawning look of revelation on her face told him she was piecing together _some_ approximation of what he was up to. He needed to head her off, provide some explanation before she put together her own.

"The bulkhead sealed between the medical ward and the shuttle bay, so I was getting Vattan aboard the _Normandy._ Since its environmental systems are back up to independent operation," he said, hoping that it was enough of the truth to convince her.

"Are we sure there's even a real emergency? Glyph was trying to interface with the _Shepard's_ virtual crew's datastream to see if it could do anything to help, and it says there are conflicting readings." She held up her datapad by way of evidence. "And now the comms seem to be down, I can't reach Lavoie to ask him if he knows about the inconsistency."

"Alert. Environmental systems failure. All organic personnel report to evacuation stations. Synthetic crew to interface for damage control allocation," the geth voice repeated over the speakers.

'_Smooth. Real smooth._' Kaidan thought sarcastically to himself. That wasn't conspicuous at all.

"I don't know," he said, worrying about whether the tension in his voice would help or hurt his cause, "the geth seem convinced enough that the problem's real. Maybe whatever it is also corrupted your drone's data feed with the ship." He looked to the docking bay door again and tried to think about 'the clock.' "Look, Liara, we should get out of here until we know for sure, the virtual crew will give the all-clear if it turns out to be nothing."

Liara hesitated. But either the seeming urgency of the situation was convincing, or she just wanted to believe him. He swallowed the guilt that he knew he should feel for later. "You're right," she nodded, finally stepping back out of his way. "Let me get the door." She touched the controls and the lock to the docking bay's gangway rumbled open.

Kaidan pushed the cart in, but suddenly his synthempathy 'flared' as he felt Liara's alarm at his back. Before he could react, he felt his pistol yanked out of the back of his belt.

"Kaidan, what are you carrying this for?" she asked.

He felt her 'pressing' their connection, starting to probe his feelings, and he knew that she'd be wise to the truth soon enough. She was considerably more practiced at this even before they'd all been enhanced. At least she would know that he wished like hell that he didn't have to do what he had to do now. He stopped just beyond the threshold, before Liara could follow him through, and turned around to face her.

"I hoped I wouldn't have to use it," he said.

"Kaidan, _what_ is going _on_?" she demanded.

"You can't come with me, Liara," Alenko replied sternly. He wouldn't let _anyone_ stop him now. Right or wrong, he was doing this.

As her mind worked over everything before her, including the feelings she was reading off of him now, a look of realization dawned on her face. "There really _isn't_ any environmental systems failure, is there?" she asked knowingly.

"There is," he said, flashing a look over his shoulder at Vattan... at Shepard on the floating medical trolly behind him. "_My_ environment... it isn't complete, Liara. Just walk away. There's no danger in this to anyone, no harm to anyone, but I have to do this. I'm doing it. _Please_ don't try to stop me. Just... walk... away."

Liara looked at him, then down at the gun in her hand. She'd managed to get into his head, but his own mind was racing so fast within itself that he couldn't focus to try and read her back. But he did see her jaw tighten. She stepped back a pace. And she raised his pistol. At least she was pointing it at his leg.

"Kaidan I don't know what's going on-"

"It would take too long to explain it, Liara! I _have_ to _go_!"

"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head, "I can't just let you take him like this, not like some thief in the night under cover of some faked emergency. We can work this out if you just-"

"_I don't have time_!" Kaidan yelled, suddenly angry at her. He was angry at her timing, at her interference, at her suspicion and indignation. And for an instant he wondered if this was how Shepard had felt during their showdown during the Cerberus coup. The flash of being able to relate, the sympathy that came with it- that compassion Hadrian had talked about cultivating in his meditations- softened his anger for just a moment. But then he hardened himself again. _He was doing this_, and it had to be done right now. "Liara please," he said emphatically, "I don't have time."

He felt something from her now, a brief wavering of her resolve. But she was having her own flashback, to watching the previous Shadow Broker's men wheeling Shepard's body away, and then Miranda Lawson, and her feelings about Vattan's transformation were still coloured by her anger over the protheans' 'theft' of her people's distant cousins. And she had too many unanswered questions.

"I'm sorry, Major," she said, clearly hurting in her own way over them finding themselves in conflict.

"So am I," Kaidan glowered darkly.

She was incrementally quicker than he was, and pulled the trigger of his pistol.

A hundred little things that had had to align just right to get him here. Most of them beyond his control. But not all of them.

He'd knowingly worked to persuade Lavoie to undertake the mission to Nibanna. He'd knowingly conspired with the geth crew- on the surface of it, the unlikeliest of allies; he used to shoot at their kind, but here they were and they had his back more solidly than the asari who'd been at his side during those battles.

And he'd knowingly brought an unloaded gun, for use strictly to intimidate anyone that might have barred his way. Because they were all synthempathetic now, and no one could easily bear the 'feedback' of emotional pain that came from inflicting harm on another anymore.

But a biotic pull, just forceful enough to yank Liara backwards off her feet and in through the open door of her compartment... he could do that.

And he could follow, though the exertion taxed him, by erecting the strongest barrier he could manage in the doorway behind her, to keep her there once the lift effect wore off and she regained her footing inside.

"Kaidan! This isn't like you! Think about what you're doing!" she yelled from the other side of the glowing blue wall of force.

"I'm sorry Liara, but I have. Being the 'good soldier' isn't enough anymore." he said, catching his breath. "I need to do this. I hope some day you'll understand." He hit the door controls to his side, sealing the _Shepard's _airlock, and turned to push the medical bed down the ramp onto the deck of the _Normandy_.

"EDI! Where are we?" he asked, anxious as _Normandy's_ airlock closed in turn behind him.

"We have ninety-seven seconds. Delegate says that the _Shepard's_ crew seem to have discovered our ruse and they've halted evacuation. But there are too few left aboard to intervene. The drive modification is complete and the capacitor is ninety-one percent charged. I am overriding the docking clamps and assuming helm control." He heard the clamps release from his ship followed by the sound of _Normandy's_ propulsion systems coming online.

"And there are no escape pods or shuttles in the way?"

"No, the geth have increased the _Shepard's_ speed to outpace the evacuation craft. We will be well clear." Kaidan pushed the bed into the cockpit where he could keep an eye on it and wedged it between the back of the co-pilot's seat and the aft bulkhead, locking the stabilizer controls. He looked out the forward viewports as EDI slid them sideways out of the bay and, once clear, started along her plotted arc.

Seconds ticked by as Kaidan climbed into Joker's pilot seat and called up the infographic of their course, checking it one more time to make absolutely sure there was as little risk as possible that their engine exhaust would damage the _Shepard_. What they were doing was going to be bad enough without melting the nose off the big, beautiful new ship that had been their salvation.

He watched out the window as _Shepard's_ seemed to peel away, departing _Normandy_'s company- though it was actually the other way around- and then EDI swung the frigate at full speed onto a path that would veer directly across the larger ship's flight path. This was it. His mind returned briefly to a few days earlier.

-X [suggested soundtrack "Flynn Lives" by Daft Punk]

"You're confident this will work?" he asked. EDI in her chassis avatar and Delegate looked at each other, conferring wirelessly, and then back to Kaidan. Both nodded.

"Our analysis of telemetry from the Crucible event is as conclusive as possible," Delegate said. "Absolute certainty cannot be assured, however we are confident. Configuring the conduit drive to emulate the output of the Charon relay, with the defined alterations to the signal parameters, _should_ selectively arrest the consolidation of tele-empathic infrastructure in any organic platforms within the area of effect."

"_Without_ destroying the _Shepard_?" Kaidan asked insistently. He couldn't in good conscience do this if it might tear the prototype apart like the synthesis pulse had wrecked the propagating relays. Even if the plan _was_ to execute their plan within conventional FTL range of Earth.

"The conduit drive will be damaged, but not irreparably. While the power requirements are high to create such a finely modulated signal, we will be creating a near-range directional beam instead of trying to radiate a long-range burst. The stress on the relay technology will be commensurate, disabling it until repairs are effected but not destroying it. We will be stranded in the Alpha Centauri system, but with the _Anderson_ slated to begin space trials in eleven days, even if we are still adrift at that time, we will be within one jump of Earth for them to deploy it to assist. Or, barring that, one of the faster asari cruisers could be on station to retrieve us within three weeks," EDI laid out once more for good measure.

"Alright, I just want to be sure about these things. This is a big deal." He sighed, contemplating the seemingly inevitable end of his career. "Even if we aren't blowing up the _Shepard_, I'm probably getting the whole _library_ thrown at me for this. Stealing one ship and conspiring to commit mutiny aboard another, sabotage, hell- they'll probably charge me with kidnapping just for good measure. And EDI, well I know by now that you're all-in but what about your people, Delegate? This might be a big setback for my people trusting yours to virtually crew any new ships. I'm just... I want to make sure we're doing the right thing."

"The geth subset of the consensus aboard this vessel are in agreement, Alenko-Major- the long-term benefits of reactivating platform Shepard-Commander while preserving the aggregation of tele-empathic faculties among organic allies are sufficient to justify any temporary restriction of geth participation in Project Phoenix Flight. We are committed."

Kaidan stood with his hand over his mouth, deep in thought. It was everything he'd asked them for- well, almost everything. Even if Captain Lavoie _would_ approve of disabling his ship in the process, it wasn't something Kaidan could ask of him. Not given the shit storm that was bound to follow.

"What would Shepard do if your positions were transposed, Major?" EDI asked. As soon as she asked, Alenko knew. For just a moment, he felt like he had during those months he'd carried his totem of Shepard around his neck. The presence, and the certainty he'd felt.

_I trust my instincts_. _When I over-think things, I fuck up._

Something swelled up in his chest, and caught in his throat, and Kaidan nodded.

"I know exactly what he'd do," he said, solemn but smiling to himself a little. "Start making your preparations. With one adjustment: you won't be taking _Normandy_ out by yourself with Vattan aboard, EDI. If our places were 'transposed,' Shepard would be aboard. Keeping an eye on me, if it were me, and keeping an eye on his ship... Cerberus-built or not, he _loved_ this ship. We loved it... we'll love it again. I'm going to be aboard when we do this."

"Major, your own tele-empathic infrastructure will be subjected to the same disruption," EDI said, sounding concerned. "The architecture already in place should be uneffected, but the further development of your networking ability will stop. Given our projections about the ultimate potential of the faculty... In the coming consensus, you will be left far behind, Major. Handicapped in comparison to others- you will almost certainly experience significant difficulty integrating. You will be... forgive me for saying, Major, but an evolutionary hold-back. A relic."

"I understand that," Kaidan said. But he was undeterred. Whatever he was doing to Hadrian, he would be doing to himself. It only seemed fair, after all- ultimate compassion and enlightenment was Shepard's goal long before he'd shared it with him. If he was denying the man he loved that ultimate aspiration... and if it was the only way to have him back... he would forego the same for himself without reservation. "I won't make him face this new galaxy he created alone, like some freak, EDI. Maybe we'll be 'relics,' but we'll be relics together."

"It is Alenko-Major's prerogative," Delegate conceded.

"There's on more thing," Kaidan added, insistent. "I'm grateful that both of you, and the other geth crew are willing to help do this. It's a far cry from a few years ago when we suspected and feared every synthetic and AI that we met. Now here you are helping me to... but I want the rest of them- our friends, and Captain Lavoie and his crew- left out of this. We'll work up a plan to keep them busy, keep them distracted, keep them out of the way, but I've gotten them all in enough trouble already. I don't want to involve them in this if we can do it ourselves."

-X

"_CSV Shepard_ to _SSV Normandy_, this is Captain Lavoie. Respond immediately, _Normandy_."

Kaidan took a deep breath and reached out to open the comm channel. He imagined what Shepard with his occasional incorrigable streak in the face of peeved authority figures would say. '_Yo no hablo Inglés. En Español, por favor?'_

No. No way. It definitely wasn't the time to channel him.

"Captain. Something I can do for you?" he said.

"You can turn that ship around and return to the docking bay, Major." Lavoie sounded _pissed_.

"Sorry, Captain, I heard something about an environmental systems failure and I-"

"We both know that alarm was _bullshit_, Alenko! I'm sure EDI's personal loyalty to Shepard and to you explains her actions, but I don't know how you persuaded the _geth_ to falsify a ship-wide emergency, or what the hell they're doing to the conduit drive engine right now. Or what you're up to exactly abducting our guest." Liara must have gotten in touch with the bridge. "But I know you aren't going to get very far in a ship with its FTL engines still wrecked."

"I'm not planning to go very far, Captain, and I had every intention of returning in a minute. But I have something I have to do first. I promise you I haven't put you or your crew in any danger, I just have to do this one thing."

"And _I_ have to insist that you return _immediately_, Major. I embarked on your mission before as a favour to Commander Shepard, the hero of the whole goddamned galaxy. When I had to arrest you I gave you the freedom of your ship as a favour to you, because you were at his side. But you've exhausted your favours. I have orders, and I can't indulge any more rogue bullshit!"

"Oh come on, Captain, I think someone important must owe me at _least_ one more favour. Oh! I know! Call Shepard's mom. I'll wait." Oops. Okay, apparently some of the irreverence under pressure had definitely rubbed off.

"Major! Believe me when I say that I don't want to have to shoot you down, but believe me also when I say that I will if you don't turn that stolen ship around _right now_!"

"I'm sorry Captain. But the geth programs operating gunnery control might have an issue with that. I said I'll be right back and I will, and then you can throw me in irons if you like, but I can't let you stop me. _Normandy_ out."

"God _damn_ it, Alenko-!"

Kaidan switched the comm off and turned his gaze back toward the _Shepard_. It was now almost two kilometers behind to port and EDI was steering them to cross its path at an oblique angle. As the seconds ticked down, just before _Shepard_ was obscured from view by the cut-off of the viewport at the back of the cockpit, Kaidan saw the flickering blue glow of the conduit drive spinning up to full power.

"Five seconds," EDI announced.

Kaidan took her word for it that this wouldn't hurt, and he looked over his other shoulder to the medical bed, at his sleeping new Shepard. He hoped dearly that this wouldn't be the last time he saw him. But if it was...

"You keep getting me into so much _trouble_," he said softly. "But it's worth it. Because I love you. See you on the other side."

And then a blinding flash of light washed through the _Normandy_.


	4. Part 3 Intimation

-3.1

Two months later

-3.1

Waking up the morning after was always a little sad. It meant that the previous night was over, its passion had come and gone. And maybe it would be rekindled that morning, or the next day, or again some night years down the road. But maybe it wouldn't. "Last night" always had that lurking potential to be as good as things would ever get- the hottest night together, never to be surpassed.

Hadrian sleepily opened one eye, already acutely aware of the absence of Kaidan's body- the heat and the touch of his skin against his- in the bed. His forehead furrowed a little as he noticed something was out of place. The alarm clock and the lamp had disappeared off the bedside table. He hoped they hadn't trashed the room again in the heat of the moment and fallen asleep without noticing.

"Mmm. Kaidan?" He sat up and looked around the room wanting for his guy. But as he surveyed the cabin, more absences jumped out at him. A lot more. "What the fuck? I can't have been robbed on my own ship... EDI?"

There was no answer.

"EDI? Hello? What the hell is going on?"

The door chimed. Which meant it couldn't be Kaidan. Maybe it was the burglar, come to their senses and returning his things before he went on the war path looking for them.

"Just a second," he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and finding that his uniform was laid out, pressed and folded at the foot end. "Stole my stuff and did my laundry? Weirdest home invasion ever." He pulled on his pants boots, and a t-shirt that felt strangely brand new, and stepped up to the work space. When he waved the control panel to open the door he found Doctor Chakwas on the other side in a lab coat. Her eyes were wide- happy but also surprised, and questioning.

"Karin? Hey. Uh- you wouldn't happen to have seen anyone walking around the ship with... you know... _all_ of my things? I feel like someone's playing a prank on me, but I'm sure it isn't Kaidan because he _knows_ I'd 'punish' him." He flashed a bit of a mischievous grin before he even registered his own brief moment of embarrassment at the over-sharing, and he turned back to look at the glaring voids on the shelves and on the desk and table.

Then- it was the strangest thing- he felt something. Elation, though he had no particular reason to feel it, but it felt like remembering hearing someone else describe it for themselves. Like it was someone else's. And as though it was coming from outside of his body, like the warmth of a hot July day coming in through a door into an air conditioned house. He turned back toward Chakwas and 'oofed' as she threw her arms around him.

"Commander? You're-? I mean- is that really _you _?"

"Whoah, ah, okay? What? I mean it's nice to see you too, Karin, but what the hell?" Shepard made an awkward face, chin on her shoulder, and after a moment wiggled a bit of space between them. "What do you mean, 'is it really _me_?' Oh, Karin- oh no. Did they steal your mind, too?" He smiled, trying to reclaim some familiar footing with the friendly jab at her, but he was becoming acutely aware of more disembodied emotions flooding into him and it was becoming disconcerting.

"Oh!" Chakwas said, letting go and backing off a step, clearly flustered. "I'm sorry, I- I forgot for a moment that you... well, that you wouldn't be accustomed to... But my god, _look_ at you. That wolf's smile, the way you- you're really..."

"Doc, slow down a second," Hadrian interrupted. "You sound a little bit like a crazy person. What are you _talking_ about? Who else would I- would I... wait a second..." He blinked as though trying to clear his eyes. Speaking of 'crazy'-

"No, of course you're right- this must all be very strange to you, Commander. Can you tell me the last thing you remember?"

Hadrian stared incredulously at Chakwas' mouth. It was open, agape a little with emotion, but it wasn't _moving_ when he heard her speak.

"I- Karin, are you- why aren't your _lips_ moving when you talk?"

Chakwas' face turned a little red and she covered her mouth with her hand for a moment, seeming embarrassed.

"I'm sorry. I'm quite sorry, Commander, like I said, I forgot that you... But please, really, I need to ask. What's the last thing you remember?" At least she was obviously _speaking_ again, and the strange feeling of... of _her_ astonishment and happiness was withdrawing from his consciousness a little. It was freeing up much-needed space for his own confusion.

"Uh, I remember last night if that's what you mean. Kaidan came up, we had a drink, we talked... then we... you know. Did stuff you and I probably use very different language to describe. And we fell asleep. And now he's gone without a trace, and my cabin looks like the Collectors raided it for all my shit, and this isn't how I like to start my day when we're supposed to hit The Illusive Man's base today."

The conflicted, complicated expression on Karin's face made him feel like he was saying something wrong, and he started to feel a little annoyed. "_What_?" he asked. "This is getting fucking weird. Where's Kaidan?"

"Commander... Hadrian... we need to talk."

The awkward pause grew really uncomfortable _really_ fast. Hadrian felt his nerves start to light up a little- the first inkling of fight-or-flight- and he ground his teeth together slightly. "I thought we _were_ talking, Karin... what's going on? Did something happen to Kaidan and nobody even _woke_ me _up_ to tell me?"

"No, Hadrian. No, Kaidan is fine," she said, earnestly trying to calm him down.

"Then where is he? And why is our room cleaned out like there was an invasion of the disgruntled cleaning staff?" Shepard balled his fist slightly, and then jumped with surprise as he saw a biotic field shimmer around the edge of his cabin door, pulling the door segments inward part-way and then pushing them back open. He felt his heart speed up with exertion and alarm. "What the _hell_? I- that was _me_! But I-" His first thought was that his biotic amp must have been malfunctioning. Merely making a fist shouldn't have been enough- or the specific, appropriate 'muscular trigger'- to activate his biotics unless the amp was having a calibration issue, or a bio-feedback logic error. He reached to the back of his skull, but his eyes widened again as his fingertips found no amp chip housing there. Not even the wetware port to plug one in.

"It's alright, Commander," Chakwas raised her hands plaintively. "You're just... you'll need to adjust. There have been some changes. Just breathe. Calm. Please. I'll explain everything- or as much as I can, at least."

Hadrian tried to find his center, as much as anything so that he could still himself and not accidentally have any more biotic 'surges,' but his adrenaline was starting to flow and make him antsy. A dark look arose in his eyes. "Changes? Like what? Was I drugged through a mutiny?"

"No, no, there was no mutin- ah. Er. Well, actually, I suppose there were a couple. But no- no your crew hasn't risen up and taken your ship away from you, Commander. Just keep calm. I promise you, you're alright now. Just catch your breath and we'll talk. There's... you've missed some things, Hadrian."

Shepard reluctantly closed his eyes for a moment and took several deep breaths, looking for the steady sensation of his heartbeat to focus on. He recalled his teachings about grasping, and tried to abide with the fact that _clearly_ he'd 'missed something.' "Please, god, don't tell me this is like one of those awful science fiction movies, where the hero wakes up and finds out some virus he contracted laid dormant in his brain for years and then suddenly erased his memory back to the day he was infected. Because that would mean _Kaidan_ gave me the amnesia-inducing STI, and then I'd _really_ have to punish him."

Chakwas laughed, feeling a little taken off-guard. She'd felt like she must have actually forgotten charming his humour could sometimes be. How could she have forgotten that? "No, Commander, you aren't suffering from amnesia. Though I'm afraid you're very likely going to end up _feeling_ that way. And while Kaidan was involved, he didn't give you any viruses. It's a long story."

Hadrian gave up a meek, slightly helpless laugh. "How long could it _be_, Doc? I've been asleep- what?- six, maybe seven hours? Or- okay, fine, I suppose we _really_ went at it last night, maybe I was _really_ worn out and it was nine or ten? How much could have happened?" He smiled sarcastically. "They didn't up and end the war without me, did they?"

Karin stared at him a moment. "Let's... find somewhere else to talk, Commander. We really ought to have known the changes to this room would disorient you as much as the familiarity would help."

-3.2 [suggested soundtrack "Roslin and Adama Reunited" by Bear McCreary]

Kaidan heard the door to the detention block open down the hall, and in his head he 'closed' his meditation, and rose to his feet to stand at attention. Three weeks into his administrative disciplinary sentence of one year's incarceration, he'd settled into the routine. Stand for the delivery of his 'three squares' every day, stand for his transfer to the exercise yard, stand for daily inspection and drill. The rest of his time he spent sitting, abiding, contemplating. Sometimes day-dreaming. He wondered if he was imagining things now, when he heard the voice approaching his cell.

"You know... when you were made the second Spectre after me, I thought 'there's a kinda' poetic symmetry to that,' like we were becoming closer even if we weren't together at the time. But when they told me you stole your ship, took it on an unsanctioned mission, and landed yourself behind bars ... well, you _do_ realize that you don't have to follow in _every_ one of my footsteps?" Hadrian rounded the corner, appearing in front of Alenko's cell, arms crossed and a feigned look of disapproval on his face. But as soon as their eyes met, the sternness cracked and was replaced by a longing smile. "I told them it sounded weirdly like you were trying to _become_ me, and that's when they gave me another of those _looks_ people keep giving me, like I just let slip that I know they're throwing me a surprise party or something. And they said I should get the rest of the story from you."

Regulations be damned, Kaidan stepped forward and pressed his hand to the transpariplast door. "Oh my god-" he said, voice wavering, overwhelmed with emotion.

"Please, please don't say 'oh my god, it's you, it's really you!' Everybody's been _saying_ that, too, it's getting creepy. It's like they've never seen anybody wake up from a coma before." Hadrian stepped forward and pressed his hand to the cell door from the outside, mirroring Kaidan's. Immediately the two 'connected' through the plane of durable plastic; Hadrian's disorientation and Kaidan's incredulity blew away before the warm gale of each other's affection, like frost evaporating from a prairie shinook.

"I missed you. I missed you _so_ much," Kaidan said, wishing that he hadn't had to relinquish his biotic amp so that he could blast the barrier between them apart. They pressed their foreheads together through the door.

"I feel like I should miss you more. To me, I saw you just last night. It's a little like Horizon all over again, isn't it? Only, you know, a hell of a lot _better_ than Horizon was. At least we cut the separation in half this time- a little less than a year instead of a little over two. Though, I hear you got a year in here for what you did to revive me." Shepard raised his head and gave Kaidan a sly look up and down. "Think they'll give us conjugal visits?"

"It doesn't matter. You're back," Kaidan sighed, overjoyed, and preemptively pinched his stinging eyes. "I don't care if it's another eleven months or eleven years- you're back, so it was all worth it. _You_ deserved it."

Hadrian laughed. "Eleven months- fuck that. I told Admiral Hackett to expect my resignation if he didn't pull some strings to get you out of here ASAP. And in the meantime-" he pulled an access card from his pocket, held it up like a trophy, and inserted it in the slot beside the door, "I seem to command even more respect than I did before." He pressed the control panel and the door panel unlocked and started to slide open. "Apparently they even named a whole _ship_ after me-"

Shepard laughed, happy to be interrupted as Kaidan lunged forward and wrapped his arms around him, trembling with catharsis, and he squeezed the sentinel back, face pressed to Alenko's neck. After a long, quiet embrace shivering with excitement, they kissed passionately.

When they finally came up for air, breathless, they stood pressed together- Kaidan clutching two fists-full of Shepard's shirt and resting their foreheads together again. "They're going to have to call the guards in to get me back in that cell now," he said.

"They're going to have to call them in to get me to leave," Hade chuckled, sliding the cell access card back into his pocket. "If they dare try. But for now..." he looked to the bed and tugged Kaidan in that direction. The push of a button retracted it halfway into the wall, turning it into something more like a couch, and they sat down facing each other, Alenko's hands on the side of Hadrian's face and his arm.

"So... how much did they tell you about what happened?" Kaidan asked.

"Well," Shepard thought back to the long debriefing he'd sat through with Chakwas, Hackett, and several other Alliance diplomatic and intelligence officers he hadn't recognized, "from what they told me, the morning after... what to me was last night... we made it to Cronus station, took out that fucker Kai Leng, recovered the prothean VI from Thessia, and learned that the Catalyst is- or _was_- the Citadel. And I guess The Illusive Man had gone there while we were on our way to his base, signaled the Reapers with what he knew about our plan, and they relocated the whole station to Earth orbit. So we launched our final assault against them there. Then while the fleet we pulled together engaged the Reapers in space, we were part of a ground attack force to try and board the Citadel using a transport beam they'd erected planet-side. Harbinger hit us, everyone but Anderson and I were killed or incapacitated, communications were fucked, but I made it aboard the Citadel-"

"You saved my life doing it," Kaidan interrupted, squeezing the back of Shepard's neck and gripping the commander's hand, kissing it. Hadrian smiled and made that boyish, 'bad-ass' face.

"Of course I saved 'dat ass," he said, playing up his pride in himself. "I apparently made it up to the Citadel, got its shields open, and the Crucible docked, but then nobody's really sure what happened. They lost all contact with me, but the Crucible fired. Somehow, and this part is weird as hell, its energy pulse turned every organic in the galaxy into a wireless telepath and gave a software upgrade- free will, or a soul or whatever you want to call it- to every synthetic. The Citadel and the relays were wrecked, which I guess booted the _Normandy_ out in the middle of a jump to Arcturus, stranding you guys for a while until the Alliance could figure out how to build a ship capable of interstellar travel at practical speeds. Sorry about that."

"You couldn't have known. And we all knew going in that... that we could die. Getting stranded on a jungle planet a few light-years away for a few months was getting off easy in comparison. You have _nothing_ to apologize for." Kaidan was emphatic. But he had a sense, having heard the truth so far, that what was to come next _had_ to be a lie, concocted by the brass to lessen the shock of his return.

"So then they found me, _completely_ fucked up and comatose, in some of the Citadel wreckage that fell to Earth. As soon as they built a new ship with the salvaged relay technology- which they named after me-" he smiled again, "it went out and recovered you guys and the _Normandy_. You got back here, and when you saw me you couldn't accept the doctors saying I might never wake up. So you had Javik and Liara pore over the Mars archive until they found something about a lost prothean outpost where they did their top-shelf medical research with the help of- uh, hello- _male_ asari that they abducted from Thessia fifty-thousand years ago? And then while everybody was debating whether to check it out or not," he adopted a playful scolding tone, "you and EDI and a bunch of geth _stole_ me from the hospital, and _stole_ the _Shepard_, and took me to use some experimental treatment that took three months to basically regenerate my whole body. With some obvious short-term memory loss. And as soon as you got back here with me they threw you in the clink for _stealing_ like a kleptomaniac."

They both laughed, but inside Kaidan felt a knot form, and he looked down at their joined hands. It was a perverse re-telling, with enough threads imported from the truth that it would have been easy for the uninformed to believe. And easy for the rest to remember. But they'd let Hadrian come to see him without first briefing Kaidan on their fiction. Did that mean they'd anticipated he would ask Hadrian what they told him first? Were they setting him up? To be the one who upset his world by telling him the truth? What if he went along with it now and the truth came out later? What would that do to their relationship?

Hadrian leaned in closer and lowered his voice. "It's funny because they don't think I can smell the bullshit in it, right?" Kaidan looked back up into Hadrian's eyes. He looked slightly sad- at the fact that he _knew_ he'd been lied to, though he hadn't exactly figured out which parts weren't true- but he still winked. "You think the thing I've sort of been meditating upon and aspiring to for half my life could finally come to pass, and that people could slip a fast one by me once it did? I took to this cyber-telepathy thing in an hour. I can feel them all holding back... like you are now... but at least you feel worse _about_ it than any of them did. Except for Karin, maybe."

"They probably thought telling you the lie would make being back easier for you to absorb," Kaidan offered.

"Good intentions and the road to hell. There's more to it. I'm more aware of my body than I've ever been- I can tell my cybernetics that Cerberus used to resuscitate me are missing. All my scars are gone. I know my biotics are more powerful than they've ever been, but they're... like... 'wired' differently, like I'm going to have to re-learn how to use them. I don't even have an amp socket anymore, I don't know how they thought I'd overlook that little change." He looked very earnestly at Kaidan, his expression pleading for the truth. "You didn't just find some high tech prothean healing machine, did you?"

Kaidan heard the cell block door open again, and hurried footsteps. He was surprised that whoever was surveiling them hadn't sent the guards sooner. His eyes flicked toward the door and then back to Shepard, who was looking into him with such expectation. He had come here out of love, and bound up in that was trust- that Kaidan would tell him the truth. And now they were coming to prevent him.

"You want to know what I found at Nibanna Vedi?" Kaidan took the sides of Hadrian's face gently in his hands and pulled him into another kiss, and as their lips met and their tongues intertwined he opened his mind as much as he could- all his memories and feelings, specifically trying to recall everything from Cronus Station onward. The love that drove it all carried it through their mouths, and he felt a warm, grateful glow envelop him from Hadrian. Then he felt something wet on his cheek, and as they broke their liplock he realized it was tears. From Shepard.

They caught their respective breath as the guards appeared in the doorway, and their foreheads rested against each other again. "I found _you_," Kaidan said. And now Hadrian understood what that meant.

The guards flanked the couple and said "Commander. Time's up. You'll need to come with us now." Hadrian sat a moment longer, and Kaidan _knew_ some part of him was contemplating blowing the two MPs through the roof with his biotics and busting him out of the place. He shook his head pleadingly.

"Don't. Just go. For me," he said. "They'll tell you the truth now- or you'll tell them. And then they can decide what to do about that. But you know where I'll be waiting for you." He smiled. Sad as he was that they were being separated again, he knew now that Shepard- _his_ Shepard- was back, alive and as much himself as he ever was, aware of the truth now and thankful to Kaidan for having wordlessly told it to him. And he'd felt something else from Hadrian when the vanguard had reciprocated his openness: the feeling of a promise.

_Coming for you_.

"Anyone tries to keep you from me..." Hade said. He kissed Kaidan again, stood up, and released Alenko's hand.

Kaidan nodded, understanding. "I'll be afraid for _them_."

"Better believe it." Hadrian looked at each of his escorts in turn with a stony face. "Alright, let's go talk to the paternalistic motherfuckers who thought I couldn't _handle_ knowing I'm a ghost from a cum-towel that's possessed a shapeshifting alien."

The guards looked at each other awkwardly, and stepped out of the cell. Just before he followed them, he mouthed 'thank you' to Kaidan, then stalked out of the room with a gait Kaidan had seen before.

Hadrian was headed into battle.

-3.3

Two weeks later

-3.3

Hadrian stood facing Kaidan, checking the other man's dress uniform to make sure everything was in order. He brushed some lint off the shoulder and straightened the rank insignia pins on his collar. In turn, Kaidan reached up and unbuttoned the top button of Hade's tunic, and his hand was playfully swatted away.

"Later," Shepard chided, "right now it's time to go face the music one last time." He brushed his hand behind Kaidan's ear and pulled him gently into a soft peck on the lips.

"Sorry. It's just, if this is the last time I'm going to see the inside of this room, part of me kinda wants to just defile it," Alenko grinned, turning just a little red.

"With the security cameras watching? Pervert," Shepard smiled.

"Says the guy who wanted to do it in the _Normandy_ observation lounge with the door open?" They both chuckled to themselves.

"It's too bad they turned her into a museum, I guess now we'll never get the chance to do that." Hadrian made an exaggerated disappointment face.

"Well, not during business hours, anyway Haven't you ever wanted to do it in a museum? It seems like it would be kind of appropriate, now that we're both 'relics.'"

"So besides not breaking in a room here and a room there, any regrets?" Shepard brushed off Kaidan's shoulder one last time and nodded toward the door. They interlaced their fingers and stepped out of the detention cell, following their waiting guard out of the block, down the connecting hallway and into the Alliance JAG facility courtroom complex where Kaidan's inquiry had tried and convicted him upon his return to Earth.

"Won't miss this place, either," the sentinel remarked, surveying the spartan corridor.

As they walked hand-in-hand, via their synthempathetic connection Hadrian shared his warm feelings for the place. Every time he'd come here, it had been to visit Kaidan. Seeing it through that 'lens,' Alenko's antipathy towards the complex softened a little.

They were led through the back way into Courtroom #2, where Garrus, Liara, Cortez, Javik, Vega, Lavoie, EDI's infiltrator chassis, Tali, Chakwas, Joker- all the _Normandy_ and _Shepard_ officers who had participated in the off-books mission to Nibanna Vedi- sat in the gallery in their dress uniforms or formal suits. They all turned to look as Shepard and Alenko entered, nodding to their friends and colleagues and taking their seats at the table before the bench. The courtroom was quiet- though, physical spaces everywhere were gradually becoming more quiet as the weeks and months went by, as people became increasingly comfortable with direct, wireless communication- but the _feeling_ that radiated toward them at their appearance, the deep respect and love, was like being at the center of a giant group-hug.

A minute after they sat down, a bailiff entered and instructed everyone to stand for the judge's entrance. It was an admiral Vandervoort, one of the youngest JAG judges in the Alliance and a one-time protege of Admiral Hackett. Kaidan tapped his foot against Hadrian's, a little "look, eye-candy" signal they'd developed, and they both suppressed a smile.

"Everyone be seated, please. I'd like to get this done promptly as I have another important duty waiting." The court took their seats and Vandervoort examined a datapad he'd carried in with him. "Commander Shepard and Major Alenko. You both understand and offer no contest to the arranged terms?"

"Yes Sir," they both replied.

"Very well. To recap, for the court record, which will be sealed. Commander Hadrian Shepard-" Hadrian stood again, "your legal status as adjudicated by the committee on eleven May, twenty-one eighty-seven stands. As does the gag-order on the classified details of your return to life until such time as the Consensus Council indicates to this court that they are amenable to public disclosure vis-a-vis the adori. Whereas the Consensus Council has upheld your Spectre status, you are reinstated to active- albeit detached- service such that you may continue to liaise between the Alliance and Council and such that you may serve in a command capacity aboard an Alliance vessel pursuant to your Spectre duties."

Vandervoort looked up from his pad at Hadrian. "'Your' years of faithful service to the Systems Alliance are appreciated, Commander, and we reserve the power to call upon you. But given the nigh-mythic status of 'Commander Shepard' on the galactic stage, the perception is that you've rather outgrown the strictures of the Alliance chain of command, and that the best place for you is wearing our uniform in service to the broader galactic government. But if you go off-script and tell _any_ unvetted personnel that Hadrian Shepard died and was resurrected via this adori 'regenesis' instead of the approved story that 'you' spent the better part of the year comatose after surviving the destruction of the Citadel... Well, then that legal status _as_ Commander Shepard will be rescinded, your authorization to serve in that capacity will be revoked, you will be considered an alien imposter and you will be removed from _any_ position of opportunity to adversely effect the Alliance."

"I'll toe the line and parrot that story until I'm told that I can 'come out' as a soul-absorbing shape-shifter, Sir." The courtroom chuckled inappropriately, and Kaidan noticed even Vandervoort had to fight back a grin. Instead he forced himself to raise an eyebrow in faux disapproval.

"Indeed, Commander. Now you didn't hear this from me, but there is a rumour that a Council-commissioned, Alliance-built ship is being allocated for your deployment. Conduit-drive capable. Fast. Quiet. You get the idea."

"I'd be very grateful, Sir," Shepard smiled, "_if_ I'd heard anything from _you_."

"That will be all, Commander. Major Kaidan Alenko." Kaidan stood up and Shepard returned to his seat, but took Kaidan's hand in his supportively.

"Admiral."

"Citing your assistance in returning one of your fellow Special Tactics and Reconnaissance operatives to operational capability, the Council has petitioned this court- via one of its Spectres- for you to be released from custody to return to their active service. Now, according to your special tribunal on twenty April, twenty-one eighty-seven, you are guilty of insubordination, dereliction of duty, inciting mutiny aboard an Alliance ship, subverting the chain of command, abduction, and theft of an Alliance vessel- the _SSV Normandy._ And while that tribunal exercised its discretion in sentencing and prescribed one year of confinement, and your continued incarceration under our auspices would be legal, your administrative punishment as an Alliance officer is viewed as less than conducive to cooperation between the Systems Alliance and its ally in the Consensus Council.

Therefore, _Mister_ Alenko, you are hereby released from Alliance service. Therefore, as you are no longer under Alliance military authority, you are free to go and report back to the Council for your next assignment. In the interest of not impugning the reputation of one of our ally's highly respected agents, your service record- which will be sealed- will reflect this discharge as an administrative release. _Officially_, you took early retirement. The terms of your release, however, stipulate that per the Council's authority, you are also prohibited from disclosing those details of Commander Hadrian Shepard's return to active duty that have been classified by the Systems Alliance. If you do... 'out' our officer as 'a soul-absorbing shape-shifter'... the Council has assured us that you will be subject to _their_ disciplinary action on behalf of their ally in the Systems Alliance."

"Understood, Admiral," Kaidan said. He felt sadness that his career in the Alliance was over- unless they eventually took him back- but at least it got him out of jail and free to return to duty as a Spectre.

"And _as_ a Council Spectre, you of course have leave to operate aboard Systems Alliance vessels when such joint operations are approved by both partners. I _believe_- though this is by no means official and should not be repeated- that there is some arrangement in the works to have you paired up with a detached-duty Alliance officer who is also a Council Spectre, and for the two of you to conduct your business from aboard an Alliance-built vessel that is being remanded to the Council to operate."

Kaidan looked to Shepard and smiled, then back up at Vandervoort. "If that's where the Council chooses to deploy me, Admiral, it would be my pleasure to serve alongside your officer... In the spirit of fostering cooperation between the Council and the Systems Alliance."

"Glad to hear it, Spectre Alenko. Be seated." Kaidan sat down and looked meaningfully at Shepard. So that was _it_ for them. It felt surreal to have all the legal wrangling and bargaining and lawyering over with, but it was just about the most ideal outcome that could be arrived at without completely scrapping a couple volumes of Alliance regulations.

"As to those in attendance of these proceedings, I will remind you all that the official record of them is being sealed and everyone in this courtroom is bound by confidentiality agreements you signed in order to gain admission. You are prohibited from revealing any details of what you've seen or heard here. And if you _do_ divulge any information, Alliance personnel subject to this court's authority will be charged, and any non-Alliance personnel will see extradition and prosecution pursued in accordance with our diplomatic relations with your own governments.

"Frankly I'm surprised we're even conducting this particular session since it'll all be redacted anyway. I could probably count on both hands everybody who'll be authorized to even read the records. But what do I know? In any event, that's all. This concludes these proceedings." Vandervoort smacked his gavel and set aside his datapad. He took a deep breath, looked keenly at Hadrian and Kaidan, and made a bit of a questioning face. "Now... gentlemen... you two are sure you want to jump right into...? It seems like an odd segue, doesn't it?"

The two Spectres looked longingly at each other, smiling comfortably. Both understood the JAG admiral's uncertainty- the timing was odd, the setting was odd, but with the last obstacles before them removed, neither wanted to waste another moment. "We're sure," Hadrian said knowingly on their behalf. "We don't want to put it off one more minute."

"Plus, they still haven't really built any other civil facilities around here yet that would be appropriate," Kaidan added, then, rolling his eyes slightly in Shepard's direction he tacked on "and this one doesn't care to do it in someone else's church."

Vandervoort gave them an understanding look, and turned to the bailiff. "Alright, then, Dan, if you'd open the courtroom so we can proceed with the next item, please?" The bailiff smiled, nodded, and keyed the doors remotely using his omnitool. The public entrance at the back of the chamber opened and several additional familiar faces- Samara, Miranda Lawson, Urdnot Wrex and Grunt, Kasumi Goto, Jack, Kaidan's parents and sister, Hadrian's mother Hannah, Satteveh, even Diana Allers and Kalisah bin-Sinan al Jilani with their floating camera drones- filed in to fill up the remaining empty seats.

"Before the bench, please, gentlemen," Vandervoort instructed. Hadrian and Kaidan rose from their seats and strode the front of the room. Garrus, Wrex and- Shepard _had_ made a promise- EDI also marched up to take their places at Hadrian's side while Liara, Steve and Karin approached to flank Kaidan. As they stood there, beaming, the admiral hissed through his teeth to get Kaidan's attention and eyed his rank insignia, which Kaidan sheepishly removed and placed carefully on the judge's bench. It was sad to have to give them up, but they were a price worth paying.

Garrus leaned over and whispered to Hadrian. "So, this is really it. Commander Shepard, my bad-ass sidekick at-large. Settling down. Nervous?"

"On a scale of 'not in the least' to 'crawling up Sovereign's leg and tickling its taint'... ? Shut up."

"Speaking of- what about if I told you I can't find your ring, but after going out for drinks with the gang last night I saw Liara stumble into a tattooing and piercing parlour, and now she's standing kind of funny over there?" Garrus shot a grin to the asari at Kaidan's side. Even here, even now, it never really stopped. The jokes, the affectionate teasing, the casual easiness that came from them feeling like a family. But they were _trying_ to run a 'respectable' op, here, so as Kaidan made a 'fridge-horror' face Hadrian rolled his eyes.

"_Zip it_, Vakarian."

"Garrus," Liara hissed in a low voice, "start a rumour about me, be my guest- and I'll start one about you. We can see whose travels farther and fastest."

"Hey, Shepard- remember, you're an honorary krogan now. At the end you have to seal the deal with a head-butt," Wrex rumbled, chuckling.

"_Everybody_ shut the fuck up," Shepard muttered pointing a menacing finger at no one in particular.

Kaidan looked around the gallery at all of the friends and colleagues and family that had gathered to see the couple legally cement their bond. For a long time he'd hoped they might one day find themselves here, but there had been so many long, dark nights where it had looked unlikely. They were standing in the light at the end of a _very_ long tunnel. And he owed a _lot_ of it to this assembly of people.

For a moment his eyes met Satteveh's. He thought back to their conversation aboard the _Shepard_ about the other adori's time with Vattan, and in turn to Kaidan's earlier visitation by Vattan himself. Vattan, whom he'd promised himself never to forget but hadn't thought about in a few days. He looked back to Hadrian, who noticed the momentary passing of a sadness over Kaidan's face. He immediately mirrored it for a second.

"Hey... what's wrong? Not getting cold feet, are you?" he asked, his smile faltering for a moment.

Hadrian _knew_ where he'd 'come from.' Knew that he was inhabiting flesh and bones that had belonged to another. Another who'd been loved by the other adori in the courtroom, who now saw a stranger standing up here. But they hadn't spoken much about it since their reunion; he _was _Shepard now. He was as surely Shepard as though Shepard had never died. And that was usually enough.

But it was one of those 'other' moments... the ones Kaidan had been warned about by the man who used to inhabit that flesh and those bones.

_Let them pass, as though you imagined them. If they are a burden, release them. You will find your way to answer and to live with what you know._

"No, nothing like that," Kaidan said, giving his head a shake and taking Hadrian's hand and squeezing it. Both smiled again. They were together at last, and about to make it 'official.' For that he'd seal up what he knew, like the pronouncements of Vandervoort just minutes ago- not forgotten, just put away in a place where they hopefully wouldn't make waves. At least not until they'd figured out how to live with it all. "I'm just... a little sad for everyone who couldn't be here, you know?"

"Right... Anderson. Ash. Mordin. Legion. Thane. Even Zaeed, though I imagine he'd have skipped this. All of them. I miss them too. But they're with us in our memories," Hade answered kindly. "While we remember 'em, there's no need to be sad and plenty of reason to be happy, right? Eh?" he prodded. "Here we are... Love you."

It was a dead ringer for the way Shepard had said it on that ridge of ruined London skyline, overlooking the Citadel beam. It could have summoned up deja-vu or dread or more sorrow. But Kaidan latched on to the feeling those words summoned up in perfect isolation, whole and on their own.

"Love _you_," he replied. Off to Hadrian's side, he noticed Garrus- clearly experiencing a bit of his own flashback- looking up and around as though scanning superstitiously for the sight of a Reaper. Rather than a blast of Harbinger's death knell, though, this time Vandervoort interrupted.

"If that's everyone in? It gives me great pleasure today to preside over the joining of the two men before us: one, an esteemed Alliance officer- which grants me the purview to officiate- and the other a respected veteran. Heroes both. And aspiring writers, apparently, as I understand you've composed your own vows?"

"_These_ should be interesting," came Joker's voice from the middle of the gallery.

-3.4

Ten hours later

-3.4 [recommended soundtrack "Surface of the Sun" by John Murphy]

The door to the captain's cabin split and folded apart, and Kaidan, with one of their wedding gifts- a half-drunk bottle of his parents' wine- in-hand, shuffled inside carefully with Hadrian's hands over his eyes from behind. "Is it Cortez and a stripper pole?" Kaidan joked, grinning wickedly.

"No. What? Holy hell, I really _have_ been a bad influence on you, haven't I?" Hadrian chided, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, I was without you for a long time. Don't hold it against me that I sort of tried to get 'closer' to you by thinking a bit more like you. Oh, is it _Vega_ and a stripper pole? He looked drunk enough to do it when we left the reception."

"No, shut up. Alright. Here it is, go ahead and look." Hadrian lifted his hands, resting them on Kaidan's shoulders, and Alenko opened his eyes, surveying the room. He was met with a sight that was largely familiar. To the right was a double-wide work space desk with private terminals for each of them and a glass display cabinet. To the left, new to the picture, was a modest en-suite kitchenette. Directly in front at the bottom of a few downward steps was a wall with side-by-side armour lockers- the bathroom had been re-located to the other side of the wall and its volume now divided the familiar layout of the bedroom and sitting area on the right from a living space on the left, which was dominated by a poker table.

"Wow. You _didn't_," Kaidan said, eyes wide and his mouth agape in a disbelieving smile. "Is that...?"

"The same one. The museum is now home to a faithful replica. And the mattress on the bed is the same one. Same models in the display cases. Same couch. We just have a little more space overall." Hadrian beamed proudly.

"How did you swing all of that?" Alenko asked, stepping down into the lounge area and leaning back casually, invitingly against the edge of the game table.

"Me? No, no, a different Shepard did all this. A certain admiral who was assigned as the 'Director of Cooperative and Diplomatic Projects' at the Joint Advanced Starship Design Bureau. She pulled some strings. Said something about missing three birthdays, so..." Hade approached, straddled Kaidan's crossed legs and wrapped his arms around his waist. They looked into each other's eyes for a long minute, taking it all in, breathing each other. Four years now since they'd met and started this whole insane adventure together. The wasted time. The separations. All the pain and loss and confusion. The tread and re-tread footsteps. The broken rules and criminality. The imprisonments and uncertainty.

Now as their lips gravitated slowly towards each other, it was all somewhere far away. All that mattered now was freedom. Reunification. The _Normandy SR3's_ engines hadn't yet been brought to life and the cabin was quiet- quiet enough to hear each other breathing. The newly wedded pair reached out with their thoughts.

_So... you want to break this thing in?_ Hadrian rapped his fingertips against the card table's edge, tight against Kaidan's hips.

_Eventually_, Kaidan cracked a sly grin, _but I don't care about the where right now. I just want you._

"You've got me," Hadrian said out loud. Their mouths were less than an inch apart now. "For the long haul." The words were hot, and smelled slightly of the wine, and tickled Kaidan's lips.

"I _love_ you, Hadrian Shep-" Shepard closed the gap and his tongue was in Kaidan's mouth. They both closed their eyes and felt the 'fireworks,' their bodies electric.

_I feel everything you feel. You feel me?_

Kaidan broke their liplock, breathless, and said "I do. God, this is- I _do_."

Hadrian's hands slid down Kaidan's lower back, gripping his buttocks, and as Kaidan un-crossed and shifted his legs to the outside, Hadrian he lifted his new husband easily off the edge of the table, swinging him around and carrying him toward the bed. Alenko wrapped his legs around Shepard's waist and they could feel that each other were already hard as rock. The 'new body' didn't have the original Shepard's cybernetically enhanced strength, but the powers conferred by his adori biotic nodes- laid down in situ by circumstance rather than genetics, and inherited from his body's 'former occupant'- were even stronger than ever and more than made up the difference.

He laid Kaidan back on the bed and continued kissing him deeply, crouching on all fours on top of him. Shepard's weight straddling Kaidan felt as natural as his shadow.

_We should disable our amps or we're going to tear this pretty new ship into a million pieces_.

Hadrian laughed a little, remembering that morning.

"I don't have one anymore, remember?" he teased, and reached for the back of Kaidan's neck at the base of his skull. He found the small control chip housing, placed his finger on the toggle button, and pressed it until the sentinel told him the device was disabled. His hands immediately moved to Alenko's jacket collar, unsnapping and unzipping it. He pulled up the t-shirt underneat and kissed Kaidan's chest, his breath hot against his lover's skin.

"So. Once this bird leaves the nest and until the Council gives us orders, where do you want to go first? Where are we 'honeymooning,' hmm?"

"I want you to fuck me at Eden Prime, where all of this started," Kaidan said excitedly, without hesitation, squeezing Hadrian's shoulders.

_I want to fuck you in the summer home we're going to build on Rannoch_, which was accompanied the mental picture of a cabin on a stony shore. Shepard's hands slid to Kaidan's waist and between moments of massaging his hips he undid the sentinel's pants.

"_I_ want to fuck _you_ in the wreckage of The Illusive Man's station's control room, right where you took out Kai Leng for me," Kaidan hissed, imagining how it would spite those murderous assholes to make love there.

"_I_ don't remember _that_," Hadrian chuckled. He pulled Kaidan's bottoms down over his pelvis to his knees, then lifted his legs and slipped his head between Alenko's thighs so that they and the bunched-up pants encircled his head. "I want to do _this_ at your parents' vineyard," and then his hot, wet mouth encompassed Kaidan's achingly hard cock. Kaidan gasped and his heels pressed hard against Shepard's meaty back.

"Ohhh god!" He put his hands to his face and pulled his own hair as Hadrian sucked on his throbbing hard-on. "I- I w-want-" _I want you inside me!_

_Mmmmm. Where?_

"Right fucking _here_!" Kaidan shouted.

_Soon, soon. First, though..._ Shepard's hand wrapped around the base of Kaidan's cock and squeezed it as his mouth withdrew, stroking him slowly. Kaidan bit his lip, trembling, as he felt Hade's face move lower- his nose nudging Kaidan's scrotum, and then that tongue- molten and wiggling between his cheeks.

"Awwww f-f-f-fuuuuck!" _Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!_

Hadrian rimmed him eagerly while pumping his dick with his hand a minute longer while Kaidan writhed, frantic, begging empathically and out loud for more- begging for everything. He felt out of his mind, like he was forgetting everything- everything that wasn't Shepard's body, or his penetrating love, or the geography of their bed.

When Shepard stopped, he reached up on either side of his head, gripped Kaidan's pants, and pulled them up off his legs completely. Freed, Alenko eagerly started to move to roll over but Hadrian's hands on his naked pelvis stopped him. Shepard's shoulders slid back into place behind his knees, and as he positioned himself and opened his own trousers Kaidan felt the wet tip of Shepard's pulsating member slip slickly between his flexing buttocks.

He wrapped one arm under Hadrian's shoulder, fingers digging at the vanguard's back on the left side and- pulling him close- hooked the other around the back of Hadrian's neck and holding a fist full of Shepard's hair. Impatient, he used the monkey-like grip to slide his pelvis into his husband's and gritted his teeth, groaning as he felt Hade's thick manhood slide inside him. Hadrian grunted and, joining in the abandon, gave a thrust. He felt it inside himself, too- he was in both their places at once as their feelings flowed into each other. He felt the burning, quivering, infiltrating pressure and it took the breath out of him but Kaidan didn't back off because he felt that _he_ was 'inside' too, and it oblitterated the pain. Each of them grew inebriated from each other's sensations.

It started out frantic, but when their eyes met both could see that the other wanted to make this last. To take their time, now that they'd been gifted with so much of it. The war was over. They both took deep breaths. Hadrian slowed his pace, sliding gently in, then loitering- kissing his man and stroking the side of his face, or his erection, or squeezing his hair- before slowly withdrawing, savouring Kaidan's hungry, wanting-for-more expression.

They found their rhythm and over the next minutes and hours they lost track- of time, of where one's body ended and the other's began, of whose feelings were whose. Their bodies tangled in a dozen different configurations, their minds mingled and intertwined and alloyed together.

In the 'pocket dimension' of their cabin the pair formed a perfect, closed loop- alive and dead and back again for more. They annihilated each other from the inside out and put each other back together a hundred times, and the universe outside their room could have burned up or evaporated or been harvested by the Reapers- picked clean and left like sun-bleached whale bones on the plains of some dessicated sea- it wouldn't have mattered because at long last they were together again. Whatever happened, they were finally home.

And when they _finally_ fell asleep, wet and hot and wracked with exhaustion, they dreamed together. Ecstatic dreams of places they'd been and placed they wanted to go. They filled the whole volume of their new ship with their dreams, broadcasting them. From their bed to the far ends of the galaxy, they radiated satisfaction and hope for any and all to hear.

-3.5

Meanwhile, somewhere on the rim of the Milky Way

-3.5

The 'fabric' of space twisted, and warped, and flickered. A distortion appeared, miniscule at first, and began to grow. Inch by inch, foot by foot, it widened like the yawning maw of a lion. Within its radius, strange, malicious stars shone.

A harsh, unnatural form slipped through, and began to listen.

['ending credits' recommended soundtrack


	5. Announcing Disconnected

To fans of this piece who've waited patiently since its release in May of 2012, I'm excited to report that I just recently finished the sequel I envisioned. It tells a whole new story for the newly married Hadrian Shepard and Kaidan Alenko, and their allies (some familiar, and some original characters I've created) aboard the new CSV Normandy SR-3; it features a new antagonist driving a new crisis even as the galaxy continues to deal with the aftermath of ME3 and A Longer Haul. It's in the hands of a couple of trusted friends right now for their input as fans of Mass Effect and my previous work, so that I can fine-tune it for public release, but I have a good feeling- that it doesn't actually need much more work. Because I'm already pretty happy with it. Proud of it, even.

And I don't think I could have (or, at least, I don't think I _would_ have) crafted it without the input and encouragement of those who read A Longer Haul and were so generous with their constructive criticism. You told me what "worked" for you, and what didn't, so that I could capitalize on what was successful and try to trim what wasn't. It's a big new adventure touching on themes near to my heart. So I'm grateful to the creators of Mass Effect for creating this fantastic storytelling vehicle that I've hijacked :) And I'm grateful to those who favourited and fanned and reviewed my first stab at fanfiction for public consumption. If you hadn't received by work with such kindness I might have kept the further adventures of these characters I love so much bottled up in my head rather than sharing them.

The sequel is called "Disconnected," and it should be published soon. So... I hope people will come with me on a new journey. And I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed having it unfold in my imagination.


End file.
